My son was nearly two years old and had yet to utter a word. It was driving me nuts.
He was my first child. Like many new moms, I felt a special pressure for him to succeed. That's our burden as mothers. For decades, women have been told that when it comes to our children's achievements -- or shortcomings-- we hold all the cards. When he was small, I relied on all the most popular child-rearing books, and when my baby boy didn't fit neatly into one of their categories or didn't behave or progress as he was "supposed to," naturally I blamed myself. Had I not gotten enough sleep while pregnant? What about that time in his infancy he accidentally banged his head on the sink when I was giving him a bath? Of course, I didn't bother to note when things were going well.
The other mothers I found myself surrounded by didn't exactly help me feel any better. Highly educated and high-powered, Manhattan moms are a particularly eager, anxious, and competitive lot. One afternoon, I confided in the mom of a little girl in our late infant/early toddler playgroup whose daughter wasn't yet walking that I was concerned my son wasn't walking, either. Immediately, defensively, she shot back: "At least my child is talking." Ouch.
On the advice of some friends who suggested music class might stimulate my very young son's speech development, I enrolled him in the best Manhattan music academy for toddlers I could find. It was hard to get to and terribly inconvenient, but I was getting pretty desperate. A few weeks in, he was having great fun -- and mumbling lots of incoherent noises that I obsessively tried to decipher -- but still not forming actual words.
One winter afternoon, following a healthy dose of tambourine banging, we wandered outside to catch the uptown bus home. It was snowy -- and getting snowier by the minute -- and after a few minutes of waiting, there was still no bus in sight. I decided to hail a cab, and couldn't find one of those either. Though we were dressed appropriately, we were a good few miles from home -- way too far to walk. That's when I started to panic.
And that's also when my little boy put up his hand and shouted, "Taxi!" Just like that.
Even the most come-what-may mothers know that worrying is an inescapable part of the job. In large part, that's because we're expected to do most of the work and forced to accept the blame when something goes wrong -- without much praise when something goes right. Years ago, people actually believed that a mother's behavior could cause her son to be autistic, schizophrenic or gay. And while the thought sounds ridiculous now, the tendency to heap blame onto mothers persists. These days, we're overprotective if we worry too much and negligent if we don't. We're smothering or bossy if we engage too eagerly, icy if we give kids too much space. If we pursue a career (or even work at all), we're overly self-indulgent, and if we don't, we're overly-involved with the kids.
Years of studying gender and psychology have shown me that mothers continually get a bad rap, which can cause us to experience needless worry, anxiety and self-doubt. In fact, there's absolutely no research to back up the idea that "good" mothers turn out "good" kids, while "bad" mothers turn out "bad" kids. That's why it's time to rethink the tendency to assign -- and accept -- blame, and focus on what's important when raising your kids: good, loving, growth-encouraging parenting.
1. Refuse to be judged. Reject social judgments about your family structure or how you choose to parent. By making no apologies and ignoring judgments, you'll provide your kids with an example of strength, character and conviction.
Nicole and Michelle parent two boys now in their teens. When Conner was in first grade, he came home in tears. He'd been asked to draw a picture of his family, and had drawn himself alongside Nicole and Michelle. The teacher looked at it and said, "That's not what I mean. Everybody has one mother and one father." The other kids in the class argued that the picture really did represent Connor's family, but the teacher wouldn't listen. The kids understood what many adults do not: That Connor's family was every bit as valid as a mother-father family.
2. Be yourself. The idea of the "perfect mom" is a myth. These days, we come in all shapes, sizes, forms and sexual orientations. As Anne Lamott writes in the foreword to Mothers Who Think, "Somewhere along the way, we figured out that normal is a setting on the dryer." Note how high-profile moms like Edie Falco, Charlize Theron, Jodie Foster, Diane Keaton and Sandra Bullock are parenting sons and daughters without husbands. Yet despite their deviation from what's been deemed a "normal" family pattern, the media routinely portray these women in a positive light. And they should. Parenting a child is a huge undertaking and should be applauded and celebrated. You're no different.
3. Make time for what's really important. The reality is that it's how a family acts, not the way it's made up, that determines whether a child succeeds or fails. Family priorities should include eating dinner together, spending more time together and talking with one another. It should include watching your kids play sports, perform in recitals or otherwise encouraging their interests. The number of times parents eat dinner with their kids is a better guide to how well they'll turn out than the number or gender of the parents at the table.
4. Be your best you. The notion of the "working mom" is always a hot button topic, and the current discourse is no different. Even today, the term "working mother" carries a sniff of disapproval and feint praise -- no one debates about "working fathers," after all. Some Republicans would have us believe that only economically disadvantaged moms should work, while one Democratic pundit came under fire for asserting that well-off moms who choose to stay home with their kids are self-indulgent. But whether or not to pursue a career or hold a job outside of the home is a very personal and entirely individual decision that depends on many, many factors. And smart moms know that their personal achievements of any kind -- from schooling to the workplace to right there at home -- will help, not hinder, their kids.
5. Be active and thoughtful. Mothers who have thought ahead about being mothers and who line up other mothers as a support system are way ahead of the game. A good mother helps her child develop his or her full potential by encouraging growth, independence and a sense of adventure. A good mother talks to her kids. Over years of working with parents and children, I've found that most kids are willing to share endless amounts of information with me mainly because I'm willing to listen. Find out what disappoints, scares and hurts them. Be willing to question, learn and laugh. That's how you'll connect with your kids -- and, just as importantly, how you'll connect with yourself.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
But back to society...children growing up in broken homes (e.g., single parents and divorce) are much more likely to experience social and societal issues. Moreover, they are much more likely to grow up in poverty, be abused, drop out of school and end up in jail. Those are the facts. Oh, Peggy. You had to work the "two mommies" into the article as well. Sorry. There is plenty of spin and bad studies on the 2 mommies scenario. I am sure someone will share one.
It simply does not take a rocket scientist to know a mom and a dad provide different input and values to children. NEITHER can do the job as well as BOTH.
God ordained the sex in the marriage and a one man:one woman family for good reason. They are the best for children and society.
That being said, I do NOT applaud the irresponsible behavior (i.e., sex outside of marriage) that, more often than not, put folks into these situations in the first place. Then mix in married folks - in both Christian and secular households - not working through their issues with the far too easy “No-fault” Divorce laws and you have a recipe for familial, societal and economic tragedy.
Society has not only removed the shame and stigma with being involved in such behaviors, many (i.e., the Left) celebrate and encourage it via a culture of secularism and casual-sex with the backstop of contraception, abortion and divorce.
While there can be full forgiveness, salvation and healing, when you make bad decisions there MUST be repentance and acknowledgement of the bad choices. We must put God first and have Christ-centered relationships.
Bottom line - It is a matter of what is better for children and society, from a social to economic standpoint.
Truer words were never written. I was amazed at how each of my kids, separately, have told me at different times that the thing they think was best about their growing up was how we ate together - and also how we cooked together. They are all super healthy eaters to this day. Apparently our eating together made us an unusual family and all their friends commented on it.
If I had any advice for new parents it would be this: make dinner a kind ofsacrament in your household. Put on music and cook with your kids as often as you can. Then eat together and laugh and have a wonderful hour of family time every day without tv or computers or cellphones.
That is an oft repeated and worn argument from liberal theologians. It is a half-truth and dangerous. Paul warned of those who reject Truth and seek a gospel that was pleasing to man and the world’s ears.
Jesus didn’t say a lot of things. “Red letter” folks miss much. In brief, Christ did not come to provide a laundry list of sins; he came to “bear witness to the Truth” and to die, so that by grace through faith, you and I could receive forgiveness and be reconciled with God. Think John 3:16.
Scripture, both OT and NT, is very clear regarding sexual ethics – whether a person rejects or accept those standards is, of course, their choice to make. Christ stated that he came not to demolish the Law, but to fulfill it. That “neither jot nor tittle would pass from the Law until the Heaven and Earth pass away.“
Your posts remind me both of why I abandoned the "christian" church and why I am so incredibly happy to have done so. Jesus Christ would be appalled at those who perpetrate so much hatred, judgment and bigotry in his name. It's a disgrace.
That is absolutely not true, but only because it is so broad. "Personal achievements of any kind" includes climbing Mt. Everest (likely very motivating for the children) to being the best poker player in the world by playing 16 hours a day at the local casino (not very good for the children. This would be true of fathers, too.
As for "judgment" - if you mean being irresponsible (i.e., having sex) out of wedlock and ending up pregnant. Society is right to frown upon this. That includes BOTH the man and the woman. Woman tend to be the responsible ones in that mix. Thus, they bear more judgment. And that is very wrong! I would also "shame" those who divorce - unless the woman is abused or adultery is involved.
Yeah, that'll definitely 'whip' them into shape. Obedience, as you put it, should not come out of fear. It should come out of respect and an understanding of the proper ways to comport oneself in a world filled with other people.
What you ultimately end up with is a host of un-obedient adults b/c there is no more whip. We are smarter and more experienced than our kids. Surely, we can figure out more effective and healthy ways to discipline them. And teach them how to be good people throughout their lives.
Let's see what that does to our nation.
Our nation does owe any assistance to a woman while she is pregnant. That is the obligation of her husband. Moreover, it is not the employer's responsibility to provide maternity leave. Who will do the work while the woman is on leave and still being paid? In a small business, the absence of a single employee can be an unsurmountable burden.
"or from society that judges and blames women who are not rich and still have to work or aren't married or exercising and taking yoga 7 days a week during pregnancy as they think she should"
What do you expect from society, that it should condone unwed pregnancy? While I wholeheartedly agree that it is a much better thing than abortion, the society that does not encourage good decisions while discouraging the bad is one that will not survive long.
And one more thing: most married, working women with small children in this country "choose" to work; they don't "have" to. Regrettably, the choice is often forced on them by their husbands who would prefer a better standard of living from a two-income family. Nevertheless, so many people in these situations aren't willing to scale back their lifestyle for the good of the children.
That's funny. No one forces a mom to the majority of the work. There are plenty of good men who would be happy to do the vast majority of the work. If a female picks one who doesn't want to be equally or more than equally involved that's her choice. She forced herself. The same goes for men. And without much praise? Really? The TV, radio, and virtually the entire blogosphere has been a virtually non-stop generator of mom-love these last couple months. Am I really the only one who noticed?
As for blame--you're dead right. A parent's influence on a child is important, but it is not the deciding factor in anything. The deciding factor is the child. No way around that.
ps...that's a joke. I fully agree with you.
Imagine This Mother’s Day - Life Without Mother’s
Ever stop to think what life would be like without Mother’s giving birth,
There would still be flowers, rivers, sunrise, sunset, without man on earth.
Without man on earth sounds pretty sad to me,
Then you would have to say Mother’s should be treated reverently.
Hug your Mom and treat her with care,
For without her love, you would not be here.
Do not add to her burdens or grief,
Instead be her supporter and relief.
Live each day with her in your mind,
Also respecting all of her kind.
Every Mom deserves better then they get,
Though no matter what they love you yet.
Mother’s Day should be every day of the year,
For the greatest shame should be causing her to tear.