Mothers and Sons: How Close Is Too Close?

Is your son in danger of becoming a mama's boy? That's the stereotype so many people associate with sons raised by women alone. Like most stereotypes, it simply doesn't hold up to reality. In fact, fostering a close connection with your son actually strengthens and confirms his identity and helps him grow toward independence.

Hugs and kisses

Who says boys don't need hugging? Of course they do. Physical contact is essential in infancy and our desire and need for it develops and varies throughout life. What's important is to take our children's cues and respect them as they grow.

As a small child, Henry* was physically affectionate, even to the point of holding his little sister's hand and carrying her around. Then at Christmas one year, when everyone got to say a holiday wish, Henry's was, "Don't kiss me in front of my friends."

"It's a signal of transition," his mother said. "I can accept that. We are very close, but it's just no longer okay for me to jump out of the car and give him a big kiss when I pick him up from school." They worked out a compromise. Now she is allowed to kiss him when he gets in the car.

Will you make him gay?

A persistent myth tells us that too much closeness with our sons can make them gay or feminine. In fact, most boys turn out to be heterosexual, no matter how their mothers raise them. What boys need is their parents' full acceptance, whether they are gay or straight.
When her son came out, Sheron Rosen knew nothing about gays. "I went to the library and learned. I read propaganda. I read scientific journals," she wrote. Then she ran it all past her son, Roger. "We're a family that communicates. I told Roger that no matter what I read or who I talked to, he needed to be my primary resource, because I can't know about this. I'm not gay."

Margaret,* another mother, is haunted by the memory of a psychiatrist telling her not to hug her son too much. She rejected the assumption that moms are responsible for making boys gay and that boys do not have the same need for nurturing.

"Young boys who learn to be giving and gentle and kind have not lost any of their masculinity," she says. A boy needs tools to experience the world and freedom to grow into a complete person, she believes. "If more adults were accepted for the complete people they truly are, more children in the world would receive the same kind of nurturing."

Building emotional connection

These and other mothers I interviewed for my book, "Raising Boys Without Men", are raising what I call "head and heart" sons-boys who combine strong male identity with an unusual capacity for connection and emotional awareness. These mothers make time, and find creative ways, to communicate with their boys and talk about feelings, including negative ones.

Kenny,* the son of two moms, deals with his anger the way his mother Crystal* does, holding it in for a long time and then spewing it all out. On one occasion, when his anger erupted all over his other mother, Tami,* she was baffled and upset. But Crystal pointed out "how great it was that he told me he felt safe enough to get so angry." While we mothers might sometimes wish our kids didn't feel quite so safe, we certainly don't want the reverse: the boy who won't express his emotions for fear of reprisal and ridicule.

Maintaining a lifetime connection

Being loving and involved, but respecting your sons' choices and boundaries, helps mothers stay close when their children become adults. Jane Snyder* has spent a lot of time pondering her grown son Nicholas's* decision to become a Muslim, but has never tried to dissuade him from it. "All I want is for my children to be well and to do well and have a life that is enhancing to them," she says.

Holly Saxton* says connection became especially important after her son left home and couldn't find a job. Often, she missed her evening yoga class to talk with him as he struggled. "This was a year of parenting that I hadn't planned on, but it was probably the most crucial year of parenting I did," she remembers.

It's time to acknowledge that mothering does not equal smothering. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite. To raise a son who is both strong and sensitive, stay close to him-now and throughout your lives.

*The data I compiled and the patterns I've observed are presented as
collective experiences. I have honored promises of confidentiality by changing names
and disguising identities.

 

Comments

[meemu]

I raised 2 sons alone, because after 7 years I realized their mostly verbally abusive father didn't love me enough to change. It was incredibly hard financially as I was a low wage earner. But I finagled to get them in the best public schools. I had always spent a lot of time with them both--taking walks in town, on the beach watching dolphins at sunrise, with coffee for me and milk and Dunkins for them. Discussing different things we saw on TV. It was absolutely the best thing I've ever experienced in my life They are both in the Army now on bases only 2 hr drive apart and they are close and we are close.

I have to say though, that being a child who had a step-mother, I decided my boys would never have a step-parent while they were under their teens. And I stuck to that even tho I also had a step-father who was a much better father than my own father had been.

Anyway, I'm glad to see the idea that a single mother is going to produce gay sons is not necessarily true. That was actually never a thing I worried about--but I did worry that they would lack "a man's influence" but decided no man was better than an abusive mans' influence, lol.

[Eleka bobV]

It's very important to have to have right relationship: to show your love and be strict in the right time

[nightwind928]

If you love with anything but an open heart, your cheating yourself and those you direct your love at. Don't let some misguided,overeducated fool with a college degree cause you to worry about "loving too much"....only about loving too little... and remember that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

[gutenmorgen]

The nature of a boy growing towards manhood is only determined by the amount of testosterone he produces.

[Paros]

As a widowed mother of an 8 year old son, I appreciate your article. Though you make a couple of points that I might take issue with, I find it affirming that you write about the importance of a close relationship between mother and son when there is no male in the picture.

The task is difficult enough, not the least of all b/c of reduced resources (man power for one) and b/c societies unconscious/subconscious cold shoulder to such fatherless families and boys. I will take knowledgeable encouragement where ever I can find it.

Thank you.

[yappnmutt]

all people respond well knowing they are loved by someone, moms included.

there is the unspoken correlation between gay sons and single parent families(moms). many, certainly plausible, explanations are made but the correlation stands out like a cowlick.

[GranE]

Mom's who are secure with themselves and who play it straight and loving with children will raise good kids. There's alot of sons who have a father at home who could care less or is overbearing, and there's good fathers period. Life does not always hand you both skilled parents. Consistency in every aspect of raising a child is the key to a balanced child, both male and female. Be consistent with love, with listening, with discipline, with rewards, with fairness. Be someone they can count on because you are first consistent and balanced, and with loving they'll be good kids.

[OnTheCusp]

How does one "play it straight?"

[robadeaux]

"Be consistent with love, with listening, with discipline, with rewards, with fairness. Be someone they can count on because you are first consistent and balanced, and with loving they'll be good kids."
your question was answered was in her last line...did you read her whole post? Jeez, it wasn't that long.

[Billy D]

Being a mama's boy hasn't hurt the president.

[OnTheCusp]

It's hurting you, though.

[ewlibby]

President Eisenhower and General MacArthur, famous for their leadership during World War II, were "mama's boys." Both report their relationships with their mothers gave them the confidence necessary for success. Every kid want to feel that in their mother's hearts, they are special, that they are her favorite.

What's tricky, though, especially for a single mother, is for mom to NOT look to her son to fill HER needs. If a mom rewards her son because his achievements make her look good, then her son's psychological growth is impeded and the dark underbelly of favoritism takes root.

[Paros]

well put.

[tlgeiger62]

I am a 47 yr old woman who is married to a now 41 year old man who was raised by his mother, alone, starting at age 12. His brothers were 10 and 7 at that time.

I am constantly in awe of what this woman has wrought in her sons. The 2 youngest still live with her. They are 39 and 36 respectively. They do not have jobs (one has but the other never). She has gone bankrupt twice since I've been in the family (15 years) and she lives in the basement of a house she pays a $1200 mortgage on (and it's not a big house). The older "boys" live upstairs in the main part of the house.

My husband spends more time defending and singing his mother's praises than I can even write about here. She is the bane of my existence. To say I hate her is an understatement. But after 15 years, I know where I stand. And it's not on top I can assure you. My husband has gone behind my back on more than one occasion to loan her money (that we don't have to lend) and she recently IM'd my husband that he "deserves a new wife and a new mother for" our daughter. This was due to my harrassing her about owing us $10,000.

You will never convince me that women raising boys is a good thing. NEVER!

[peterbeagle]

most probably your Mother-in-law is the exception. Not all single moms are enablers.

[Paros]

your post is a display of your lack of logical aptitude.

Ever wonder why you picked your husband or why he picked you? think about it.

[boomer1949]

And I have a friend who has traveled a lot for years. Used to hear stories about how Mom would have the oldest son sleep with her while Dad was out of town. Went on until he was 10 or so. Mom thought it was okay and Dad disagreed; many arguments ensued, but she did not put an end to it. Explain that one to me?

[Weirdo]

All this advice seems like it would come naturally to any parent. How is it that people come to need to be reminded about what their gut probably already tells them? If your gut says hug them, hug them. If you feel like giving your kid a smooch, lean over and do it. You need no reason for it and there are no barriers to it, aside from the ones your child may erect because he doesn't want to look like a geek in front of his buddies. Those are the only ones that should be respected. And even that one is probably something your child is learning from the outside world, that boys don't hug their mommies.

Anyway, I say follow your gut, which most of the time probably tells you to be close, love them, hold them tight, and lift them up. You can't go wrong with any of that stuff.

[whitequeen96]

I have a 12 year old son who has mild autism. Although he appears normal, he has a real developmental disability. He can get upset by crowds, loud noises or other stimuli, leading to a serious "melt-down" (dreadful tantrum). Yet he must learn how to function in the real world. If upset, he might need me to give him "deep pressure," which helps calm his over-stimulated nervous system. The most effective way to do this is by hugging him from behind, while murmuring something soothing. The strange looks people give me used to upset me terribly. I now know it is only their ignorance, but it still makes things harder to bear.
"Autism moms" have to do other things out of the ordinary because of their child's "invisible disability." (I had to bring my son into the ladies' restroom until he was 10.) These children are no longer shuffled off to institutions or isolated at home, but are being raised to be productive members of society. The costs are too high, both to the children and to society, to do anything less. Autism rates have skyrocketed, so people had better get used to seeing this sort of thing. A mother dealing with an autistic child has enough to handle without strange looks and nasty comments. So remember that the next time you see a mother being a "little too close to him in her verbal and physical behavior." You know not of what you speak.

[techjockey]

Thank you for that, it is too easy to be judgemental & a little reality check never hurt any of us.

[Woolfienne]

My 7 year old has Asperger's syndrome. Same thing (needs the deep pressure too). I get odd looks. But I'm just as affectionate with his NT 4 year old brother. I remember when the oldest was a baby, I was nursing, and we got comments about how mothers shouldn't breastfeed sons as long as daughters--same sort of ridiculous thing about how mothers and sons "ought" to interact.

[willitell]

It's all very subjective and always will be. I did recently stand in line behind a woman and her 12 year old son. It was weird. Without going into detail, She was a little too close to him in her verbal and physical behavior. I felt sad for him, knowing how difficult his life will be because of this relationship. I think by that age ( and even sooner) a boy needs more independence. Her own neediness was obvious to me, but obviously not to her.

[Weirdo]

Was the boy uncomfortable, or were you the only one squirming?

[Toysoldier]

It is interesting this article does not touch on the things mothers should do to prevent inappropriate relationships, such as making their sons into substitute husbands or boyfriends, which is unfortunately quite common. Much of what Drexler discusses is often part of the sexual abuse mothers commit, and as some recent numbers shows http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/southwalesnews/Child-abuse-mums-rise/article-1493204-detail/article.htmll) mothers far more likely that previously acknowledged to sexually abuse their sons. It is important to curb the mother's desire for intimacy and to understand that a son's boundaries and limits should be respected.

[capitalismisntamoral]

@willitell, toysoldier:
an entire blog and then 5 pages of comments and now, finally, a couple of comments that address the title of the blog.

thanks.

[lakeharriet]

A man will sometimes interpret a mother's love for her children as sexual. In this sense, male humans and female humans are like two different species. The man has no maternal instinct and tends to sexualize relationships. Since for him relationships with both women and children may be sexualized, he projects his way of relating to others onto women. When he sees a normally affectionate mother with her children, her may interpret what is going on to be "sexual abuse" simply because of his own mindset.