Is your son in danger of becoming a mama's boy? That's the stereotype so many people associate with sons raised by women alone. Like most stereotypes, it simply doesn't hold up to reality. In fact, fostering a close connection with your son actually strengthens and confirms his identity and helps him grow toward independence.
Hugs and kisses
Who says boys don't need hugging? Of course they do. Physical contact is essential in infancy and our desire and need for it develops and varies throughout life. What's important is to take our children's cues and respect them as they grow.
As a small child, Henry* was physically affectionate, even to the point of holding his little sister's hand and carrying her around. Then at Christmas one year, when everyone got to say a holiday wish, Henry's was, "Don't kiss me in front of my friends."
"It's a signal of transition," his mother said. "I can accept that. We are very close, but it's just no longer okay for me to jump out of the car and give him a big kiss when I pick him up from school." They worked out a compromise. Now she is allowed to kiss him when he gets in the car.
Will you make him gay?
A persistent myth tells us that too much closeness with our sons can make them gay or feminine. In fact, most boys turn out to be heterosexual, no matter how their mothers raise them. What boys need is their parents' full acceptance, whether they are gay or straight.
When her son came out, Sheron Rosen knew nothing about gays. "I went to the library and learned. I read propaganda. I read scientific journals," she wrote. Then she ran it all past her son, Roger. "We're a family that communicates. I told Roger that no matter what I read or who I talked to, he needed to be my primary resource, because I can't know about this. I'm not gay."
Margaret,* another mother, is haunted by the memory of a psychiatrist telling her not to hug her son too much. She rejected the assumption that moms are responsible for making boys gay and that boys do not have the same need for nurturing.
"Young boys who learn to be giving and gentle and kind have not lost any of their masculinity," she says. A boy needs tools to experience the world and freedom to grow into a complete person, she believes. "If more adults were accepted for the complete people they truly are, more children in the world would receive the same kind of nurturing."
Building emotional connection
These and other mothers I interviewed for my book, "Raising Boys Without Men", are raising what I call "head and heart" sons-boys who combine strong male identity with an unusual capacity for connection and emotional awareness. These mothers make time, and find creative ways, to communicate with their boys and talk about feelings, including negative ones.
Kenny,* the son of two moms, deals with his anger the way his mother Crystal* does, holding it in for a long time and then spewing it all out. On one occasion, when his anger erupted all over his other mother, Tami,* she was baffled and upset. But Crystal pointed out "how great it was that he told me he felt safe enough to get so angry." While we mothers might sometimes wish our kids didn't feel quite so safe, we certainly don't want the reverse: the boy who won't express his emotions for fear of reprisal and ridicule.
Maintaining a lifetime connection
Being loving and involved, but respecting your sons' choices and boundaries, helps mothers stay close when their children become adults. Jane Snyder* has spent a lot of time pondering her grown son Nicholas's* decision to become a Muslim, but has never tried to dissuade him from it. "All I want is for my children to be well and to do well and have a life that is enhancing to them," she says.
Holly Saxton* says connection became especially important after her son left home and couldn't find a job. Often, she missed her evening yoga class to talk with him as he struggled. "This was a year of parenting that I hadn't planned on, but it was probably the most crucial year of parenting I did," she remembers.
It's time to acknowledge that mothering does not equal smothering. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite. To raise a son who is both strong and sensitive, stay close to him-now and throughout your lives.
*The data I compiled and the patterns I've observed are presented as
collective experiences. I have honored promises of confidentiality by changing names
and disguising identities.
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The Monty Hall school of parenting
I have to say though, that being a child who had a step-mother, I decided my boys would never have a step-parent while they were under their teens. And I stuck to that even tho I also had a step-father who was a much better father than my own father had been.
Anyway, I'm glad to see the idea that a single mother is going to produce gay sons is not necessarily true. That was actually never a thing I worried about--but I did worry that they would lack "a man's influence" but decided no man was better than an abusive mans' influence, lol.
The task is difficult enough, not the least of all b/c of reduced resources (man power for one) and b/c societies unconscious/subconscious cold shoulder to such fatherless families and boys. I will take knowledgeable encouragement where ever I can find it.
Thank you.
there is the unspoken correlation between gay sons and single parent families(moms). many, certainly plausible, explanations are made but the correlation stands out like a cowlick.
your question was answered was in her last line...did you read her whole post? Jeez, it wasn't that long.
What's tricky, though, especially for a single mother, is for mom to NOT look to her son to fill HER needs. If a mom rewards her son because his achievements make her look good, then her son's psychological growth is impeded and the dark underbelly of favoritism takes root.
I am constantly in awe of what this woman has wrought in her sons. The 2 youngest still live with her. They are 39 and 36 respectively. They do not have jobs (one has but the other never). She has gone bankrupt twice since I've been in the family (15 years) and she lives in the basement of a house she pays a $1200 mortgage on (and it's not a big house). The older "boys" live upstairs in the main part of the house.
My husband spends more time defending and singing his mother's praises than I can even write about here. She is the bane of my existence. To say I hate her is an understatement. But after 15 years, I know where I stand. And it's not on top I can assure you. My husband has gone behind my back on more than one occasion to loan her money (that we don't have to lend) and she recently IM'd my husband that he "deserves a new wife and a new mother for" our daughter. This was due to my harrassing her about owing us $10,000.
You will never convince me that women raising boys is a good thing. NEVER!
Ever wonder why you picked your husband or why he picked you? think about it.
Anyway, I say follow your gut, which most of the time probably tells you to be close, love them, hold them tight, and lift them up. You can't go wrong with any of that stuff.
"Autism moms" have to do other things out of the ordinary because of their child's "invisible disability." (I had to bring my son into the ladies' restroom until he was 10.) These children are no longer shuffled off to institutions or isolated at home, but are being raised to be productive members of society. The costs are too high, both to the children and to society, to do anything less. Autism rates have skyrocketed, so people had better get used to seeing this sort of thing. A mother dealing with an autistic child has enough to handle without strange looks and nasty comments. So remember that the next time you see a mother being a "little too close to him in her verbal and physical behavior." You know not of what you speak.