The Gaybe Boom

As we careen into full blown campaign season, gay marriage will likely move from a simmer to a boil. Declarations will be forced, answers will be parsed, fine lines will be tiptoed.

But as both sides of the cultural divide argue about the rights to a happy and legal union, there is another issue that is moving steadily, if quietly toward acceptance.

That is gay and lesbian couples - and increasingly singles - adopting, having and raising children. According to The FamilyNet project at the Human Rights Campaign says that a review of American Academy of Pediatrics research indicates that there are between one million and nine million American children under 18 living with gay parents. Other studies put the figure much lower.

The fact is, nobody really knows. But most sociologists agree that the growth is enough to warrant its own snappy trend label: "The Gayby Boom."

Whatever the number, it is increasing despite some formidable obstacles. As a gay couple I know who have been through the gauntlet twice (and have two amazing little girls for their effort) told me: "Think how hard it is for hetero parents to adopt a child - all the background checks, all the Social Services visits, all the bureaucracy. When you're a gay couple, you have all that to a power of 10. I can't even imagine what it's like if you're single - especially a single man."

This drive for family, then, must be very powerful indeed.

The amount of drive required depends, to various degrees, on where you live. The Urban Institute reports that 11 states and Washington DC explicitly state that sexual orientation cannot be the basis for adoption denial. Mississippi and Utah have limitations. Florida is all alone with an outright ban. In the rest of the states, it's mainly up to the judges and adoption and foster agencies.

The gay and lesbian adoption bans that many feared would be used to muster conservative turnouts the way gay marriage did in 2004 never materialized.

One reason is that America is changing.

Among those not playing to the fearful prejudices of narrow constituencies, gay and lesbian adoption is gaining wide acceptance. Ohio was the only state in November 2006 to actually introduce a ban. It failed when the backers couldn't even get Republican backing. It was an admission, political observers say,that orientation-based divisiveness just isn't what it used to be.

In fact, some 62 percent of Ohio respondents to a Pew study said they would allow gay and lesbian adoptions with conditions. Only 33 percent said the state should never allow it under any circumstances.

Nationwide, the Pew study showed a significant shift in sentiment. In 1999, 57 percent of Americans opposed gay and lesbian adoption and only 38 percent favored it. By 2006, it was 46 percent for and 48 percent opposed.

A 2007 CNN/Opinion Research Poll shows the shift continues. Some 57 percent of the respondents said gay and lesbian couples should have the right to adopt children. Forty percent said they should not.

So the good news - especially for the hundreds of thousands of kids in foster care - is that as wedge issues go, gay adoption does not have the same resonance as gay marriage. The big question, of course, is about demand. How many of those high-income, free-to-travel gays and lesbians really want to take on the expense and response of a family? Actually, more than ever.

A 2006 OpusComm-Syracuse University S.I Newhouse School of Public Communications study found two thirds of lesbians and a third of gay men plan to add children to their families over the next three years. Striking in their annual study of gay and lesbian attitudes and lifestyles is the fact that just four years ago, the figure was 18 percent for lesbians and just 5 percent for gay men.

What's going on here? Is it the ticking of the clock for a generation of aging gays and lesbians? Is it a growing acceptance that makes the idea of family actually within the reach of a new generation?

As someone who has dedicated a good part of my career to studying families, I would love to hear from those who have made the choice, and what that choice has meant to your lives.

Comments

[drudolph]

I have to agree with Journeywork above. The latest research shows that same-sex parents are more likely to have fewer economic resources than their opposite-sex peers.

You ask: "Is it the ticking of the clock for a generation of aging gays and lesbians? Is it a growing acceptance that makes the idea of family actually within the reach of a new generation?"

I think it's a little of both, as well as progress in reproductive technology that makes access to fertility services more convenient and more likely to succeed for more people. Broader corporate benefits, which allow same-sex couples to take advantage of fertility programs (as well as additional family benefits post-birth, such as adoption assistance and family leave that includes same-sex partners), are also a big factor.

Let's also not forget the many people who come out as LGBT after they already have children from a straight relationship. Research from the Williams Institute again shows that they are a significant part of the LGBT family population. While their numbers can't be attributed to a gayby boom, their increasing visibility is partly because of growing acceptance as well as the work of organizations like COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere: http://www.colage.org).

My partner and I are the parents of a four-year-old son. The choice has meant more to our lives than I can express here, as I imagine is true for most parents. Nothing LGBT-specific about it, except for the mechanics of getting started.

On a more practical note, parenthood has inspired my blog Mombian, which covers parenting, politics, and culture for lesbian moms and other LGBT parents: http://www.mombian.com.

[journeywork]

I need to correct one item in the article: when Drexler talks about "those high-income, free-to-travel gays and lesbians," she is perpetuating a dangerous myth about the actual economic strength of LGBT people.

The UCLA Williams Institute has excellent research into a wide array of issues affecting LGBT people, including a summary of income and wage-disparity studies published last June. Some of the consistent findings " such as gay men earning *less* than their straight counterparts " run directly counter to the stereotype.

Even more relelvant to this article is the December 2007 "Census Snapshot" for the U.S. The analysis of data from the 2000 Census shows clearly that same-sex couples with children have significantly fewer resources than married couples with children (median household income is 23% lower).

You can read more about these studies at the UCLA Williams Institute site:
www.law.ucla.edu/williamsinstitute/publications

On a personal note, my partner of 10 years and I have been talking about starting a family (we're both bi women), and I can tell you that the whole thing is extremely daunting. Everything about the process -- from choosing a sperm donor to ensuring that we'll both be recognized as a child's legal parents -- takes extra effort, expense, and determination. Whether adopting, fostering, or giving birth, there's no such thing as an "accident" for same-sex couples who want to raise children.

Isn't that exactly the level of commitment we should look for in parents?

[klmebane]

if you think about it, gay couples are the perfect families to adopt children. a gay couple will never find themselves accidentally pregnant, it will be a planned event, and one that they are as ready for as they are going to be. as for all those anti-gay xians, as much as they rail against treating gays as equal human beings and americans i don't see them rushing around trying to empty out orphanages. if they aren't going to adopt these children (many of whom will say that every child is a wanted child) then who is? a gay couple that chooses to adopt (just as any couple who finds themselves unable to make a baby) can provide for a child, give them love, encouragement, stability, and a home. those who choose to adopt are usually in a much better place than the teenager who gets knocked up at 15 because all she was ever told was abstinence.

[PoliticalAnimal]

Just among our friends two gay couples have gone through the adoption process and expect kids this year.

[Hugo de Balsac]

it will be a hard sell to turn the focus of this issue in purely humanistic terms to make Republican voters allow gay rights a wide berth (pun intended)in public debate, which is ironic because in so many ways, this is a "private debate" between individuals pullings levers in voting booths.

these "guilt-ridden" people hide behind a mask of righteousness that "knows" all of the answers to life's problems, and when they're not looking backwards into the Past to find a moral imperative, they're staring through everyone into a Future with the threat of doom and condemnation. it's as if the Present had no value to them whatsoever. most self-annointed "Conservatives" (i have a problem with what gets labelled as "Conservative" these days) have unchecked control issues that they need to find another outlet for dealing with in their lives. go take up archery or tennis -- get out more! stop wallowing around in your 3 states of consciouness and find NOW! live there and let go of all of that jargon these "officials and experts" are putting in your head!

as for my "real" opinion (heh), everyone should be able to live as they choose so long as they do right by their decisions, challenge complacent ideals and practice respect for actual long-term accomplishments. the rest will work itself out over time as always.