At my final meeting with 10-year-old Quentin, a boy I'd been observing for many years, I gave him a gift. It was a video called Yankee Sluggers, and told the stories of Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. For me, the gift symbolized my journey with Quentin and spoke directly to the very boyish boy I had come to know so well.
Quentin, the son of two mothers, was wearing a plaid lumberjack shirt he'd inherited from an older cousin. He examined the package thoughtfully and analytically -- very Quentin-like behavior -- shaking it, measuring it, and making some guesses about its contents. As he gingerly unwrapped the gift and began to see what it was, he began talking about how, exactly, he was going to extract and share information from the video. "I give a 1-minute quiz to my friends every morning and now Babe Ruth is going to be in that quiz," Quentin told me excitedly. "I'm going to teach Jake, Noah, and Alan all about Babe Ruth."
Our culture is obsessed with the idea that boys who don't have fathers living in the home are somehow being deprived. But does a boy need a man in the mother's bedroom in order to have men to look up to? The answer is no. I've observed that boys can -- and will -- find their own role models. This is good news for all parents, whether in a mom-only household or the "traditional" mom-dad-kids configuration. Boys in mainstream families don't always have as much access to their fathers as they'd like.
The fact is that no parent -- be it mom or dad -- should/can be all things at all times to his or her child. There are four easy ways to encourage your son to crave, and relate to, strong role models:
1. Actively recruit. For single and partnered moms, this could mean seeking out male figures like babysitters, coaches, tutors, and neighbors. But for any parent, this can also mean seeking out men your son will never even come into contact with. Boys will naturally extract male models from the culture (even boys with dads will develop heroes from other sources). But you can, and should, help guide him in his selection and steer him toward those who exhibit the kinds of human qualities you deem important. That can be a sports hero, an author, a scientist, or a CEO. It could even be a fictional character, like Harry Potter. Go for a range; your son will pull what he needs and admires from each.
Tasha and Hannah, moms to 12-year-old Kenny, consciously and specifically pointed Kenny toward basketball player Grant Hill. After receiving and reading a few books about Hill, Kenny said, "it seems like Grant's a really cool guy. He thinks kids should be good sports and put their all into things, but first and foremost treat other kids with respect. After reading that, I thought, 'Wow, he's a really good player.' So I'm gonna go on with him." 8-year-old Brad was an outstanding athlete, but small for his age, which elicited some teasing. One day, Brad discovered the story of David and Goliath, in which the smaller David uses smarts to defeat the giant Goliath. "Goliath is one of those guys who just goes out there and hits," Brad said. "But David thinks about it. He uses his mind." Like David, Brad told me, "I try to think before I act."
2."Dad" is not the only parent that embodies so called "male qualities". So you're not a man. So what? Not only can strong mothers provide their sons with a range of models for manhood, but they themselves can model what we traditionally consider "masculine" attributes, such as the heroism and cool-headedness our culture traditionally associates with dads.
When he was 3, Henry and his two moms were tossing a beach ball besides a pool. The ball slipped out of his hands, and Henry instinctively went after it -- even though he hadn't yet learned to swim. Mary, his biological mom, panicked. "But," Henry recalled with admiration, "Laurie came into the pool to save me." The modeling can transcend biology as well as gender. 8-year-old Nathan, who aspired to be a pro basketball player, credited his athleticism to his adoptive mom, Stephanie. "Nessa's my birth mom," he said. "I look like her and I act like her, but she and my dad -- they're not good at sports. Stephanie's good at sports, and that's something I think I got from her."
3. Encourage selectivity. Our culture still implies that to become a man, a boy must toughen up, turn away from his mother, and identify with his more aggressive father. But this notion not only separates boys from their mothers; it can also propel them toward dangerous tendencies. Though we often idealize and elevate the role of dad in a boy's life, we don't admit that actual fathers can be destructive. And, in fact, in my observations, the sons of mother-only families often had less to "prove," because they weren't faced every day with an idealized masculine model.
Boys who have the ability to pick and choose their role models, however, can be selective about which of the qualities they want to emulate and which they want to step back from. Though Nathan admired his soccer coach for being smart, he looked to his engineer neighbor, Bob, for help with school papers. 10-year-old Steve liked playing guitar with his teenage babysitter, Julian, but opted not to sing all of Julian's sometimes-racy lyrics. One mother told me, "There was a neighbor who took an interest in our son and wanted to play ball with him. Only this guy was rigid and militaristic -- he had lots of rules and set specific 'goals' for the ball playing -- and our son hated it! He knew this wasn't what he wanted and just sort of pushed the guy away."
4. You're a woman, so embrace it (he will, too). Make it clear to your son that he can choose qualities to emulate from both men and women. The boys I observed did not grow up in male-dominated homes where competition and control can be mainstays. Instead, they developed what are thought of as more "womanly" traits, such as self-expression, the ability to compromise, and a stronger attachment to the people, pets, and places in their lives.
After we'd been working together for a number of months, I learned that Henry had asked for a tape recorder as a holiday gift. "Your asking me questions made me think about what I want to know about other kids," Henry told me. "I want to find out what people are like and then report on them." I realized that Henry had formed a strong attachment to me -- as I had to him -- and wanted, in this way, to be like me. If two people spend time together, as we had, an emotional bond develops. They will learn from and draw strength from each other -- no matter what their gender.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
I've always believed very much in the old proverb "It takes a village to raise a child"; BECAUSE kids are influenced by all of these people in your "village" whether you like it or not. If at all possible, choose your village wisely. It is a crucial factor in your kid's development.
And she does it all by hiding behind the persona of the 'good and loving mother'.
Drug Use: "...the absence of the father in the home affects significantly the behavior of adolescents and results in the greater use of alcohol and marijuana."
Source: Deane Scott Berman, "Risk Factors Leading to Adolescent Substance Abuse," Adolescence 30 (1995)
Psychiatric Problems. In 1988, a study of preschool children admitted to New Orleans hospitals as psychiatric patients over a 34-month period found that nearly 80 percent came from fatherless homes.
Source: Jack Block, et al. "Parental Functioning and the Home Environment in Families of Divorce," Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 27 (1988)
"Father hunger" often afflicts boys age one and two whose fathers are suddenly and permanently absent. Sleep disturbances, such as trouble falling asleep, nightmares, and night terrors frequently begin within one to three months after the father leaves home.
Source: Alfred A. Messer, "Boys Father Hunger: The Missing Father Syndrome," Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, January 1989.
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.
85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)
Clearly, fathers represent safety, protection, guidance, friendship, and someone to look up to.
That is hardly unexamined evidence. It's just not what you want to hear.
They don't like anything contrary to the status quo where men are the predator and women are all victims.
But a bad father is often worse than no father. It is much harder on the children to grow up with a violent-tempered alcoholic father than with a stable single mother.
The problem is that there are not nearly enough good fathers around. There are the dog men, who want to screw anything around and do not care about or support all the illegitimate children they father. There are the violent, sick, mean, alcoholic, drug-addicted, pedophilic, rapist fathers who destroy the spirits of their children.
But this leaves some number of fathers, maybe 25-30%, who do a good job, who support and encourage their children and take an active part in the children's lives, who set good examples for children and show them, love, affection, kindness. All children should have the advantage of two adults who love then unconditionally and who put their energies into the child's growth and happiness.
Just as, no man could have taught me to be a woman - IMPOSSIBLE.
*** And the reasons it's impossible would require me to write for hours. ***
I had a STRONG father & he taught me invaluable lessons.
He saw things in me that needed to be corrected that my mother didn't.
Just his presence alone was invaluable.
One of the reasons that I have no jealousy towards other women is because of MY FATHER.
The only problem was that I grew up thinking all men were strong, powerful & indefatigable.
HOW WRONG I WAS when I married my ex-husband, a spindless, piece of cotton candy, shi....(t).
And one of the main reasons he was like that was because his father was a horrible role model.
No ... horrible is TOO kind of a word.
Just say'n.
Yes, a spindless, piece of cotton candy, shi....(t) who just turned on the "waterworks" every wknd after his drinking binges.
ღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღღ
No one ever taught him to be a man.
Sweetie, please.
But ... whatever floats your boat.
That's the problem with folks like you (the "vanillas") ... NO COMMON SENSE ... must rely on a "study" instead of basic common sense to tell you what to think.
You're barking up the wrong tree, so I suggest you heel.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
And ... let me be clear, so that you don't misconstrue my comments: This is not about Gay Rights (which I totally support).
But, if you think that I'm going to waste time arguing with you, then think again.
So, take YOUR STUDIES elsewhere.
I am not talking about masculine OR feminine, sex, etc.
You are so into whatever your MINDSET is, until my comment flew right over your head.
Have a good wknd.
How about telling that to all the teacher bashers.
Parents are the ONLY ones who can do it, and that is where the accountability lies.
I don't doubt that boys can find male role models in other places and grow up perfectly well adjusted, and I don't want to dump on other family structures, but I admit that I feel a twinge of sadness to know that other boys don't get the chance to have what I had.
Is the notion that only "likes" can be role models.
That women must look up to women. Men to men. Whites to whites. Blacks to blacks. Etc.
I think a black girl can look up to Steve Jobs just as much as a white boy.
I think a white girl can admire Lebron James.
I think a Latino boy can be influenced by Hilary Clinton as much anyone.
But too many people make their livings as race or gender merchants to allow such thinking...
And mothers can't be the WORST role models for kids as well?
Children internalize the messages of patriarchal culture. Children grow in the culture and the culture grows in them. Children internalize the meme that men are heroes, men are to be admired and looked to as role models.
In child development research where chidlren wee asked if they would change their sex if they could, zero percent of boys would choose to be female, while over half the girls would gladly change to being boys. Whoa, in your culture, girls hate and devalue themselves so much that over HALF would choose to be male.
Studies where children are asked to name their heroes and admirable people, other than parents, boys named presidents and male sports, action and entertainment figures; girls name presidents and other male figures. Children learn that females cannot be heroes. Patriarchal conditioning continues today: Lego custom hero toys can only have boy's names. See also, http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst?docId=5002457119 Basically the culture teaches that men are to be admired , while women are liked only as disposable sex objects.
Who are your heroes? I ask this of children and adults; the answers are revealing. One would like to think a child's list, girl or boy, could contain Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi, Mark Twain, Alice Walker, Wangari Maathai, Chico Mendes, Gloria Steinem, Morris Dees.
I agree with you fully, excepting for your comment about how women are viewed as disposable sex objects.
Many years ago a local all girls private college voted to go coed. The decision was based largely on financial considerations. My neighbors, a young lesbian couple, were students and opposed the decision.
During the new academic year, a new student president was elected: a male student! The college was still over 90% women. My neighbors transferred to another university. They were totally outraged.
Yes, our culture does accord privilege to men. It is a simple fact. But, is patriarchy the problem? Just asking. In the case of the college above, these adult women did have a choice.
Btw, I do have female heroes: Oprah, Margaret Thatcher, Mother Theresa, Flannery O'Connor, Joan Robinson (British economist), Jane Austin, Harriet Tubman, Katherine Hepburn....
Great post.
There's a reason we don't admit that "actual fathers can be destructive".
Because there's not a shred of truth to it.
Only a misandrist would think it.
If it includes tarragon, do I hate chives?
forgodssakewakeup.
What a sad, sad society.
I think the point she generally tries to make is that, given how many children end up without men in the house, mothers must be encouraged to face that problem head on and in a positive manner. She's just facing the reality that many will be in that position and it has the potential to work out beautifully, given the right attitude. I do think it would be a nice counterweight to show that single fathers are equally capable of raising healthy, happy girls.
I also think that what provokes so much ire is that she raises an issue many men don't want to hear - that sometimes dads are a BAD influence, that many boys learn misogyny and violence and substance abuse at their daddy's knee. It's like we can't mention this reality, despite it being extremely common- perhaps more common than the reverse. Once we accept the idea that manhood is something men "get" from older men, we are almost condoning that anything older men model for boys is inherently good. And in my experience, that is decidedly untrue. Too bad it's a taboo subject for most men.
Very well said.
I have always been fascinated by the idea that men think they have to be "made" into men. You are a single dad with a girl. Did you have to "make"her into a woman? Did you ever feel that was something that had to be forced to happen? Or did it just happen naturally? In my experience you can teach children to be good strong people. But "making" them into men and women is Nature's job. It happens with or without us.
I don't think women ever think they are teaching their daughters to be women. Maybe help them adjust to some of the physical realities, but not how to "be" a woman.
Yet men seem obsessed with "teaching" manhood, as if it will disappear if it isn't passed down - like history or religion. My only point is that much of what men teach is bad - violence, misogyny, drinking, bullying. And if we accept the premise that men have this sacred right to pass down their manhood, we have to accept ALL of what that means.