Melanie's husband died suddenly at 35, leaving her to care for their three sons, ages 8, 4, and 10 months. She had no family nearby. Turns out, she had something just as valuable: A network of friends. Friends who really stepped up to the plate in the wake of Melanie's husband's death. These friends would offer to babysit, show up at Friday night Shabbat, and invite her to holiday dinners and on vacations. They'd reach out to her sons, with the men among them taking the boys on picnics and teaching them "dad" things, like how to throw a baseball and how to tie a tie.
They'd help even without being asked. Melanie remembers the time she was trying to call her oldest son in to dinner. He persisted in ignoring her. Until, that is, Melanie's next-door neighbor -- a sweet, protective older dad -- walked out onto his porch. "Bruce Addison!" he yelled to the boy. "Get your tush in gear! Your mother's calling you!" For years, the network continued to look out for Melanie, her boys, and one another, filling in when someone wasn't able to fulfill a promised duty. In this way, they created a new, but increasingly common, sort of family -- what I like to call "collected families," a vital new form of extended family that calls on "nonofficial parents" to help raise kids with a sense of community, security, and diversity.
To be clear: Good fathers and mothers, in the traditional sense, are vital to a son's and daughter's development (abusive parents are better if not around). Studies show that boys and girls benefit -- socially, emotionally, academically -- from having a caring and involved father and mother on site. But these days, there are a lot more single mothers than fathers. The Census puts it at 83 percent to 17 percent. That's not a statement of value. It's just a fact. There are various reasons for this. Most single fathers get children through divorce -- usually when the mother doesn't want to be the custodian, or she is judged incompetent. Interestingly, the number of single fathers is growing by 6 percent a year, double the percentage for single mothers. Two-mother and two-father families are becoming if not commonplace, at least unremarkable.
The Census tells us that more than one in four families with children under 18 are headed by a single parent; three out of four of those are headed by a female. And there are other circumstances that may prevent boys and girls from forming strong relationships with their fathers, including divorce, remarriage, illness, or occupational or financial need that may have Dad working long hours or in a different city, state, or even country. The fact is that, by chance or by choice, more boys and girls are growing up without fathers, or consistent fathers, in the home.
Which is one reason we need to see a rise in these collected families. The terms we use to describe our families are changing as fast as families are. Meanwhile, as families combine, split, and recombine, they create spiraling relationships as complicated as DNA. Collected families, meanwhile, grow organically and naturally through situation and circumstance. They are built on affinity, affection, and need, and so don't need to depend on blood or even marriage ties. In that sense, they are often more stable and dependable. And they are beneficial not just to mothers and fathers who can find extra help or support from the people in these constellations, but also to their sons and daughters, who can find love, comfort, and education from a wide variety of personalities and talents.
There's a French expression -- On choisit les amis, on subit la famille -- that means, "We choose our friends and endure our family." These days, you can choose your family, too. Here's how to start.
Collect people. When it comes to family, more is better, and not worse. People from all parts of your life -- blood relatives, friends, coworkers, neighbors, coaches -- can act as role models, teachers, confidantes, and friends to your sons and daughters. The late Lawrence Kohlberg, a pioneering psychologist in the field of moral development, theorized that a child understands how to deal with people in authority by engaging with a multitude of adults and learning from their relationships. The more people involved in a child's life in a caring, consistent way, he wrote, the more successful and moral they will grow up to be.
NCAA coach Mike Krzyzewski attributes his success to his mom, Emily, who gave him unconditional support and love while allowing others to have their own impact as well. "She had confidence in my teachers and coaches," he told me in an interview. "She never, ever would question a teacher or a coach. She allowed other people to teach me. She had confidence that I would learn from these people and adjust to good people. I think it was because of her that I never feared failure." In the end, the structure of our formal connections doesn't matter so much when it comes to raising strong boys and girls. It's intimacy that counts, and the responsibility that intimacy engenders.
Don't discount Dad and Mom -- your dad and mom, that is. As more women and men raise boys and girls alone, the fathers and mothers of those women and men can fill in the missing pieces in ways that no one outside the family can. When my own father died, my grandfather -- a man who'd burst through our front door with energy, good cheer, and gifts -- moved to a very important place in my life. Looking back now, I can clearly see how he helped, at a very critical time, shape my sense of how I fit into the world.
Grandfathers and Grandmothers have the wisdom of life experience; they have the family gravitas to teach and, when necessary, enforce values. They are a link between generations. What's more, recent studies show that involved grandparents can counter the threats in households at risk from dangers like poverty and drugs.
Emily, a single-by-choice mom I encountered in my own research, told me that she began thinking about male role models for her son as soon as she learned she was having a boy. "I can teach a boy to be a good person," Emily said. "But I can't teach him everything he needs to know to be a good man. But I had my dad. I knew he would fill that gap. And that was a great confidence-builder for me."
Embrace a "cafeteria lifestyle." When it comes to finding role models for your son and daughter, take some of this, add some of that, throw in a little bit of this, and come up with a combination that is fulfilling. Different personalities, skills, approaches, and temperaments add up to different parenting strengths, whether a person has a biological connection to a child or not. By mining all areas of your life for role models, you'll expose your sons and daughters to a greater variety of opportunity.
Stephanie and Nessa, mothers to 10-year-old Nathan, made a point of surrounding him with men -- from coaches to pastors to cousins. Even his sperm donor was part of his familial constellation, making a point to visit regularly and spend some holidays with the family. Nathan drew something from each man in his life: He admired his soccer coach for being smart and athletic. He looked to his engineer neighbor, Bob, for help with school papers. "It does take a village to raise a child," said Stephanie.
Olivia, a single mom by choice, formed relationships with older adults who have acted as "virtual" grandparents to her young boy and girl. They share everything with these friends, from birthday celebrations to weekend brunches, while Olivia benefits from having access to perspectives influenced by age and experience greater than her own. In fact, anyone who indulges in the act of mothering and fathering, even without the biological or custodial title, can help raise a child. In the end, after all, effective families are defined not by number or gender, but by love, humor, and enduring support.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
But cost aside, our daughter has had the incredible opportunity to not only have grandparents around, but she and her maternal grandmother are two peas in a pod because of how much time they spend together. And I can't put into words how happy I am that our daughter has been able to have this in her life.
This, instead, is something based upon the complete destruction of the family in American society. Easy divorce with no shame, illegitamate children birthed by unwed child mothers redefining the term family to include any kind of union all have contributed to asking strangers to do your job... to raise your kids correctly.
Children deserve and need two parents.
Be careful about becoming part of "the village."
Google "The Chartier Decision" and "Step parents child support."
Many single mothers know all about these laws and use them to get child support.
Men, know your rights and don't get caught in any traps.
Granted, most people now days are not wealthy enough to merit a palimony lawsuit, the legal precedent is still there...
I read your biography.
http://www.peggydrexler.com/about.html
"In part because of the loss of my father at an early age, I've had a life-long interest in how children are affected and shaped by their relationships with the men and women in their families."
Peggy, Now I am the psychologist.
Just because your biological father was absent, does not make all biological fathers "sperm donors." I would suggest, if you have not done so already, for you to track down your "real father" if he is still alive and get his side of the story.
If you have not done so already, I would suggest you interrogate your mother as to the reasons why your real father was absent.
Could it be that your mother abandoned your father?
Could it be that your mother drove your father away?
Could it be that this hostility that you hold for us fathers is somehow rooted in a myth perpetrated by your mother?
Even if your real father was absent mostly by his own choice, it does not mean that other absent fathers are absent by their own choice.
The divorce laws and bad mothers keep many men absent from their children's lives, thereby condemning a child to fatherlessness and anger (you know).
So don't blame us fathers for something that happened to you, when you may not even know your own side of the story, and certainly, you don't know our side of the story.
Had you had read the entire article you would have seen the above quote which specifies her fathers's "absence". The only reference to "sperm Donor" in he article is about a particular child who was conceived via a sperm donor. It sounds to me like you missed the entire point of the article which was the importance of both male and female parenting and how that might be organized if the "traditional" setting is not an option. One question: are you a psychologist? If you are, please read up on anger issues and the affect they have on the people around you.
Wow Peggy, I hope you didn't pay too much for the Phd that taught you that.
The way I see it, the global economic situation highlighting our level or interconnection. Being self involved got us into this gridlock. Now is the time to consider the community and working toward creating a world with social values raised above profit. If we all take into account the needs of the broader community and what it takes to make a loving community, then everyone's needs will get met. But only if each person in the community contributes -no leeches allowed.
With the increasing level of unemployment and the lack of government financial assistance in the near future, people will need to turn to each other. Lets hope we do it, as you say, with the opened armed caring of a supportive community. We need each other and can bring each other so much joy.
Focusing though on children, as this article has pointed out, it is necessary for adult parents to be proactive in making sure their children have the opportunity to develop relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and when that is not possible, for whatever reason, with any and all acceptable adults in their lives.
Arguing that this contributes to the instability of the original family unit is ridiculous. These people enhance the family unit. They enrich it, not threaten it. No where in this article is there even a hint of either spouse being "disposable". The suggestion being made is that in the event of death or divorce, when the other parent is gone or absent, then others can step in to help provide essential learning lessons for the children.
Those responding that this is a threat to the foundation of the family unit are obviously very insecure in their role as parents. Or fear for their role in their own primary family. This article addresses those situations where the family has already disolved because of death or divorce, or even the cases where the parents are single sex.
Am I the only one who finds the Emilys of the world revolting?
Well, ideally it takes both a family AND a village to raise a child. By all means, if a traditional family is not possible, a "collected family" is the next best thing.
You must admit, however, that assembling a collected family may pose a challenge to some single parents, as well as same-sex couples. Obviously, a traditional, loving family with a built-in mother and father living together is not as complicated as recruiting external role models and ensuring they have sufficient face time with the kids. If there are grandparents, teachers, coaches or priests that can step up - great. But not all people have such wide and varied social circles.
I did want to point out that there is more to fatherhood than taking boys to "picnics and teaching them 'dad' things, like how to throw a baseball and how to tie a tie." Mothers can throw balls and YouTube can teach boys how to tie a tie. Perhaps the most important lessons a Dad can impart to his son are unspoken, or implied. How to treat women with respect, and how to relate to other men, for example.
Otherwise, I found your article balanced and fair.
I've always had difficulty making friends and still do. Plus I move around a lot.
The few friends that I have are scattered throughout the country. My mom is 3 hours away by plane, my best friend is 3 hours away by plane in the other direction, my husbands parents 10 hours away by plane.
They would love to take care of my kids if something happened to me, but I don't see how.
If there is a manual on finding collective family do send me one!
Think about and choose your setting carefully,
don't be overly swayed due to feelings created by your current situation.
I am too far from my family (3000 miles), but way too close to hubby's (next door).
About 1500 miles away from each would be just right !