As a couple, Gina and Jeff weren't exactly opposites, but they were different. Where she was more reactive, he was patient. While she was diligent, he was more forgetful. She always paid bills on time; he paid them when he thought of it. She was more critical of herself and others; he reminded her to relax a bit, and focus on people's strengths. Each balanced out the other.
When it came to having kids, however, their differences became less complementary. As a first-time mom, Gina's instinct was to establish firm, consistent rules -- for the kids as well as for how she and Jeff parented them -- from which no one should ever deviate. Jeff was more spontaneous, and more inclined to react to a specific situation at hand. As a result, Gina was often the stricter parent, while Jeff was the "nice guy," which Gina began to resent. Jeff, in turn, began to resent what he saw as Gina's constant harping, which he felt often created a tense household. He felt nothing he did was ever right -- and, pressed, Gina might agree with that sentiment. "If Jeff promised to take away video games, for example, because of our son's bad behavior, he wouldn't always follow through on that if, say, the kids made amends somehow," says Gina. "That would drive me crazy. He is reluctant to be the enforcer, which means I'm left to do it." Jeff, meanwhile, says that sometimes Gina "scares the kids -- and me, too."
When your parenting style differs from that of your partner, it can be frustrating at best and destructive at worst, creating dissonance and distance between partners and confusion among the kids. At the same time, it's extremely commonplace: Many couples differ on the best way to raise children. This is true for male and female partners, but shows up among same sex couples as well. That's because many of the personality traits and personal beliefs that parenting calls on lie dormant until there's an actual child to parent -- and the qualities that lead us to fall in love with each other as people don't always lead us to fall in love with each other as parents.
Though many would-be parents study up on parenting before they have children, our styles are largely instinctual and unconscious, and based on how we were raised, what we observed in our own and in other families, and what we've been taught. Some parents, like Gina, are more authoritarian, where "parent knows best" and obedience is paramount. Others, like Jeff, are more permissive, afraid to upset the kids or reluctant to ruin the good time. Most of us are some combination. When practiced in conflict, differing parenting approaches can send mixed messages to the kids and ultimately undermine any form of parenting whatsoever. Conflicting styles can confuse kids as they wonder "whose side to take," and what the real rules are. Kids can learn to manipulate situations for their benefit, which can foster similarly manipulative or dishonest qualities in them as adults. And in extreme cases, children can end up anxious or depressed. The parents, meanwhile, argue more -- not only about parenting but also about other areas of their shared lives.
And yet different parenting styles needn't spell disaster. In many ways, divergent styles can help prepare kids for a world of negotiating various types of people. They learn how dissimilarities can be complementary, and that those dissimilarities needn't mean strife. What's more, kids don't have to have the same relationship with each parent, and it's important to remember that "different" needn't mean better or worse. And for parents, it's once again a chance to achieve balance through difference. We're individuals; we have individual ways of handling situations. That's okay. What's key is that each parent needs to be okay with the role they're taking on -- that is, if Gina is the primary disciplinarian, she needs to be okay with that. And that each parent supports the other in his or her approach, as well as offer counterpoints when they disagree -- but best not in front of the kids. Agree to disagree later, after the kids are in bed or otherwise out of earshot. The most important function of co-parenting is forming a united front, and reinforcing to kids that even if two partners might react to a situation differently, they have each other's backs. The message to the kids: Your parents are two distinct people, but as your parents we're a single unit.
Achieving a conscious, helpful individual parenting style involves ongoing effort -- we are who we are, but we can, and should, evolve, too. Parenting requires constant assessment and adjustment based on the individual child's development and temperament. The same goes with parenting together, as a unit. Compromise is good, and necessary, and the best interests of the child should always receive top billing. Discuss your goals for raising your children, and how each of you would come to those goals. Then work to achieve those goals separately and together through structure, limits, compromise, understanding, adaptability, and, above all, unity.
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I do not tolerate being told "No" by a child. It has cost my daughter her bed time story on more than one occasion. My wife negotiates with her, she is getting better though about not negotiating with her.
I have this OCD complex when it comes to schedules especially in the mornings when we are all getting ready. My wife is a lost cause before 8am, her words not mine. She is getting though about getting up and helping me in the mornings.
We are both different, we approach each situation differently. The one thing we do though that makes parenting really easy is we back each other up.
I am old fashioned but I know that it works. The mother is the greatest of all caretakers. The father is the provider and protector. If the father lays down his life for hers and the mother honors the father, life is awesome. If both parents share the same moral compass, life is even easier. If they are Bible believing parents and the father takes the lead, then life doesn't get any better.
Unfortunately, our culture has warped reality into something that does not conform with what God has created for us. Too many men are ill equipped to lead homes because they don't even know what it means to be a man. The very same can be said of women.
Ultimately, we want our boys to make healthy choices for themselves. It would be silly parenting if we didn't let them see lots of different choices!! The healthiest, of course, being organic kiwi fruit and immune boosting smoothies! Giggle!
Ultimately we want our boys to make good choices for themselves, and it would be a silly parenting move not to show them all the different ways that can be done! The healthiest, of course, being organic kiwi fruit and immune boosting smoothies!! Tee hee!!
Amen to that!
My wife and I were pretty different in our styles, and it is funny today when one of our daughters (both adults, one local and married, one single and in another state) calls "to talk," we always know what kind of issue needs to be discussed and how they want it handled by which one of us they call.
I noticed in the article that both the husband and children were often fightened by the mother......By extention her behavior must be out of control at times causing those feelings. The article just went on to assure parents that different styles are not that bad. When my Wife goes off on the kids, we rush to remind people that everyone has a breaking point. We empathize with her distress and accept her behavior.
Sounds like there is a lot more going on with the family in this article.
It's how society is. Example: If a woman breaks up or divorces her husband, he was a bad guy. If a man breaks up or divorces his wife "it's a bad relationship."
Ultimately, our boys will have to learn to take care of themselves. It would be foolish of us as parents if we weren't willing to example the many different ways that can be done! Of course, the healthiest of which being kiwi fruit and immune boosting smoothies! Tee hee!!
I think there's a little bit of bias in this description. I am more like Jeff, but I'm not permissive. I prefer to think of myself as organic. I respond to the situation at hand and adjust accordingly, bending but not breaking. There are still rules, and I enforce those rules and discipline when necessary, there are just fewer of them.
"And that each parent supports the other in his or her approach, as well as offer counterpoints when they disagree -- but best not in front of the kids. Agree to disagree later, after the kids are in bed or otherwise out of earshot."
If you can have a disagreement without it turning into an argument, then I think it is good to demonstrate to the kids how to resolve differences and come to a consensus. Also, if you're negotiating rules and discipline in front of them (in a calm and respectful manner), it reinforces to them that the parents ARE a united front, even if they disagree.
I don't think we're necessarily talking about "different rules" as much as different ways of communicating those "rules." "Different parenting styles" does not have to mean on parent demands the toys be pick up and the other doesn't care one way or another ... but how each parent works to teach how to pick up toys and instill the habit. A screamer and nagger and a coach can both have the same rules but vastly different "styles." And I'm not sure what jf12 means by "most unbending," but "unbending" and "compromise" seem antithetical to me, so if we're working for compromise, the unbending one probably IS to blame.