I lived my entire childhood and young adult life feeling incredible hopelessness and shame. I lived with constant worry and self-doubt.
I couldn't imagine ever feeling differently. I couldn't imagine having someone in my life who would be able to love me.
I believed I was the reason these bad things happened. I believed they would continue to happen. And they did.
There were times the hopelessness and shame were so strong I just wanted it to be over. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I couldn't imagine another day, certainly not another year, of living in this prison of pain.
Many nights as I waited for sleep, I wished I wouldn't wake up. In moments of intense shame or fear I thought about driving my car into a tree.
Fortunately, my story doesn't end there. For many it does.
I was sexually abused/assaulted from the age of 5-13. I was assaulted again at 15.
I always thought my story was unique. I had more than one abuser. None were my father. At that time there were few public stories, of the ones that were, it was often a father. And, I wasn't afraid of sex.
Unlike other survivors, it had to be my fault because more than one person saw the real me, the evil, underserving little girl. Since I wasn't afraid of sex, I must not be affected. If I'm not affected...well, what the hell is wrong with me!? Clearly, I am beyond hope or help.
There were many other things I believed that made me somehow different than other survivors. It's one of the ways we tend to cope. It's also one of the things that causes us to feel even more shame.
My story took a turn in my early 20's. After a particularly bad week, I decided I needed help.
My journey to freedom began with a call to my local rape crisis center. The same center I ended up working at as a therapist and advocate at years later.
It has been many years since then. Not only have I been able to heal the wounds of betrayal, but I have dedicated my life to making sure every survivor knows the shame is not theirs and healing is possible.
For the past 16 years I have been doing this as a therapist and mentor for survivors who struggle with the shame, unworthiness, unhealthy relationships, and hopelessness created by the abuse and subsequent silence and isolation.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM). This year I interviewed some very courageous woman who wanted to share their courageous voice, stand in their truth and provide inspiration to other survivors.
Initially the hope was it would inspire other people to speak their truth. I quickly recognized the incredible healing benefit it had for those sharing their story in such a big way.
According to a CDC study, one in four girls and one in six boys is sexually abused before they reach the age of 18. We are not alone. We are not to blame. The shame is not ours!
If you have been sexually abused, please don't give up. Don't allow the fear and shame to keep you from living the life you deserve. Healing is possible and you deserve everything awaiting you on the other side of healing.
You don't have to do this alone. Many communities in the U.S. and internationally have free or lost cost services. Search for rape crisis in your community.
If you want to experience connection, support, and inspiration consider joining us at Courageous Journeys or our Tribe on FB. We would love to welcome you in. We are stronger when we stand together. For even more healing and connection you can join us for my Journey to Freedom retreat this August.
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Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-656-HOPE for the National Sexual Assault Hotline.