8 Tips to Get a Better Butt

There are lots of nicknames for it. The junk in the trunk, the caboose, patootie, booty, arse, the badonkadonk.

Whatever you want to call it, the gluteus maximus gets a lot of attention because it is one of the biggest, bossiest muscle in the body.

Humans usually have one of three types of behinds. The first group has not enough butt, sometimes known as flat butts or what I like to call party platter butts. These are the people you see on America's Funniest Videos in the pants-falling-down category- not to be confused with AFV's old folks-falling-down category, which has more to do with balance than with bottoms.

A little known side benefit of having some junk in your trunk is that it keeps your pants from falling down. Paula Dean is an excellent example. She is by no definition thin, but(t) her butt is flat and when she wears spanks she is especially susceptible to losing her pants.

The second group has too much junk in the trunk and this is where the majority of adult women end up. They never lose their drawers. Ever. Instead, their struggle is to get their pants up and over.

The third group has the indiscernible butt.They never look back there because their behind is boringly medium. This lucky group has no opinion whatsoever about their own tush. Many men are categorized here.

Unlike belly fat which, if you have the bad kind, can be lethal, fanny bulge is just annoying, unattractive, uncomfortable and unhealthy in a more vague way. This is due to the anatomical fact that no vital organs are stored in our hiney, although I have known some men who've made me question this.

If you don't like what you've got back there, here's what you can do:

If Your Rump is Flat:
- Lunges and squats with heavy weights can give the appearance of lift and separation if you have good form. Lift a challengingly heavy weight for your size and work through your heels. By that, I mean keep your weight out of your toes, because you don't want to work the front of your leg.

-Remember the Jane Fonda pizza lifts? Get on your hands and knees and extend one leg, bend your knee so your foot faces the ceiling and lift and lower your extended leg. This will directly work the glutes.

-Do stair climbing, either on a machine or preferably on real stairs. The major mover in your body when you climb is the glutes.

-If you really yearn for a bubble butt and don't want to work for it-and it is hard work-you can buy a silicone butt pad enhancer. They are the Ebony to Spank's Ivory. It may sound ridiculous, but if those of us with a tummy bulge can spend $40 on Spanks, then $30 for a bubble butt sounds like a reasonable investment.What these body shapers lack in comfort, they make up for in self-confidence.

If Your Bottom is Too Big:

-Do tons of cardio, preferably running or if not running, jogging. Nothing will change your rear-end size like high-impact cardio. Don't bike a ton of biking or do heavy-weighted squats/lunges. If you do indoor cycling classes, keep your toes angled up and your heels in a dropped position.

-Do LSD workouts. This stands for Long, Slow Distance. Try for a 60 minute walk, vigorous golfing or tennis. Any length of time over 45 minutes will be burning fat stores and if your fat is in your behind then 30 minute workouts aren't gonna cut it. This is hard to do if you hate exercise so find a buddy to walk with. It'll help pass the time.

- There's no such thing as spot reduction. There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. Spot. Reduction. If your rump is too big, you just have to lose weight.

-One more hack: Wear black and avoid horizontal stripes around the midsection.

And finally, if you can't be with the butt you love, Honey, love the butt you're with.