The other day I called David-Dorian Ross, a three-time Olympic medal winner in t'ai chi and the wellness manager at the Montage Resort & Spa in Laguna Beach, California, just to make him beat me up about the fact that seven months have passed since he strongly advised me to study t'ai chi to ease my back problems, but I have done nary one form. (Is that even what they call those graceful moves?)
It's not like I don't have great excuses. Like, first of all, who would trust a guy who goes by the handle of Dr. Tai Chi? Then I discovered he is also a card-carrying life coach. I have an allergic reaction to life coaches. And who - other than 1.3 billion Chinese people - ever heard of an Olympic event in t'ai chi?
But desperate times demand desperate acts, so after my last back "incident" - I call them incidents the same way they called Three Mile Island an "incident" - at the Montage (see my very first post), I turned to David-Dorian (that's him pictured above) to help assuage my big-time suffering. He told me my back problems were a metaphor for my not-so-metaphorical issues with support and structure. Duh. I didn't need an Olympian life coach to deduce that; just looking at my checkbook sends my oblique muscles into spasms. But his t'ai chi suggestion made intuitive sense to me. Not only does it strengthen and flex the pivotal area surrounding my delicate lower back, but it also offers a philosophic system for deflecting the psychological onslaught that can literally bend me out of shape.
So why don't I practice it - or any of the other exercises I know my back appreciates? Naturally, David-Dorian had a theory about that too when I called him recently. Naturally, I will ignore it as well. He said I have a problem with authority. I told him he could eat his medals. He said, "See what I mean?"
But in an egalitarian gesture, and as part of my personal authority management 12-step program, I will share the other things I don't do, with the hope that you will share the ones you don't do either. And, at no additional charge, I'll let you too beat me up.
Core Trunk Stabilization. The muscles that surround your pelvic area are like the roping that holds a trampoline tight to the frame. This isometric exercise will strengthen them. Lie on your back. Invert your lower back so that it's flat on the floor. Now stretch your right arm high behind your head so that the back of your hand presses against the floor. Stretch your left leg. Keeping your abdominals tight, simultaneously press your right hand and left heel into the floor. (Bend your right knee bent if it feels more comfortable.) Now reverse: left hand and right leg.
Yoga for Dummies. There are currently more varieties of yoga than there were yogis when Vedic culture flourished at the time of the Buddha 2,500 years ago. When I do yoga at all, I like to keep it very simple, though. Three asanas and I'm ready for kung fu - I mean to watch "Kung Fu." They are....
The Cat: On all fours, arms straightened, elbows soft, exhale and slowly arch the entire back, like a scared cat. Slowly. Now inhale and slowly reverse the arching back, from concave to convex, lifting your tailbone. Slowly. Find a slow rhythm and repeat this series five times. Did I mention slowly?
Downward Facing Dog: Much less sexy than it sounds, in fact it feels a little awkward. From all fours, straighten your legs and push into your hands to elevate your butt toward the ceiling. Try to touch the floor with your heels, stretching your Achilles tendon. At the same time straighten your arms, keeping your elbows strong. Lower your chin to your chest so the back of your neck straightens out.
Child's Pose: From all fours, stretch your tailbone back until your hips meet (or come nearer to) your heels on the floor. Lower your forehead to the floor. Spread your knees a little. Let your arms relax by your side or stretch them forward. Breeeaaaathe!
Inversion Table. I'd swear by this thing - if I'd only use it more. I bought it secondhand for $200 from my friend Neila Hoffman, a terrific Martha's Vineyard massage practitioner with her own occasional neck strains. It takes up a corner of my living room, a constant reminder that I am not getting on it enough. When I do, though, it really does help. Suspended upside down, my spine can breathe. Gravity does the work of opening the spaces between my vertebrae, relieving my discs from supporting my 160-pound torso. Extra added bonus: inversion speeds the flow of lymphatic fluids, which flush the body's wastes.
Proper De-bedding. Turns out I've started every day of my life adding insult to back injury. Like you, since childhood I would bolt upright, yanking my head up along with everything else from the waist up. In retrospect, I can see this was stupid of me. My longtime friend and personal chiropractor, Steve Katz of Mill Valley, Calif., had to reprogram me to get out of bed correctly. Here's the right way: lying on your back facing the ceiling, roll to the right without getting up. Bend your knees slightly toward your chest. Place your left hand palm down on the mattress in front of your chest. Now simultaneously push yourself up with your left hand and swing your legs to the floor. This does not work, however, if your bed is flush against the right wall.