Dadmissions: 'Fifty Shades of Grey' (Alternate)

07/16/2012 07:27 pm ET | Updated Sep 14, 2012

Christian Grey is in his mid-twenties, short in stature and tall in irritation.  When he walks into a night spot with his beer cozy in hand, look out, because he is the man! Picture the men of Jersey Shore with more hair product and fewer brain cells. That's him. He has an obnoxiously loud voice, wears his sunglasses inside, buys his hair product in bulk and can't wait to tell you about all the girls waiting to get his number. Yes, he loves the ladies and has an inner tiger growl that can't be tamed. Grrrrr.  

He quickly sets his sights on Anastasia Steele. She is a young college graduate, shy, kind-hearted and virginesque, who doesn't realize what is about to hit her. Christian walks up beside her at the bar. He takes a seat right next to his ego, and Anastasia, and says, "Is it hot in here or is it just you?" Christian would high five himself if he could.  What a line!  Surely Anastasia will want to do wild sex things with him.  So he gets ready to leave the bar with her, but she just sits there drinking her wine.  There must be some mistake.  Christian circles back and tries again. "Are your legs tired?  Because you've been running through my mind all night long." That line is money!  Ana will want to have multiple orgasms in varied positions with him now for sure.  Bada bing!  But she just sits and sips her wine.  

Christian isn't used to women who play hardball.  But he's up to the challenge and approaches the young college girl again. "Excuse me, is your name Visa? Because you're everywhere I want to be!"  Bam! Christian is on his game.  He kisses both biceps and waits for her to fall into his arms.  He wouldn't be surprised if her clothes fell off on their own.  But Ana just sits there, annoyed, and drinks her wine.  Christian checks his hair in the mirror, makes sure it's parted in just the right spot, goes at her again and says, "Hey cuteness, do you believe in love at first sight?  Or should I walk by again!"  

But Ana's had enough.  There will be no outrageous sex tonight that millions of people will need to Google and study up on.  Instead, she stands up, kicks him where it counts, tells him he's a loser, and walks out, leaving Christian and his cologne-soaked cutoff shirt sitting in front of a bar full of people getting a big laugh.  Mr Grey is left 50 shades of embarrassed with hurt pride and bruised family jewels.  

As the credits come up on the movie version of 50 Shades of Grey, women in the theaters hug their husbands, and cry in relief that this was just a movie.  They realize how great, wonderful, and good-looking their average husbands actually are. The husbands realize how great and wonderful their wives actually are. They go home and make mad, passionate love, in the two minutes allotted before the kids come running in and then jump in the bed. They then get up the next morning to continue mundane family life realizing Fifty Shades of Grey could have had a far different ending.

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