Can Conflict Actually Improve Relationships?

Conflict resolution is a process that not only resolves the problem at hand, but also can actually improve relationships. Conflict is a natural element of all human relationships. It cannot be avoided. In fact, avoiding conflict tends to lead to more and increased conflict at a point in the future. We all reach a point of choice in our lives on how to navigate the waters of human relationships. Some of us give up and others attempt to adjust. This topic is rarely covered positively at home, in schools, in the media or on the street. Since we have not learned to adjust our response, we often act on impulse allowing a situation to lapse into fight or flight. This response leads to a perpetuating cycles of misunderstanding and violence.

Conflict can lead to division and discord as the two common misconceptions have trapped us in fight or flight reactions. We overgeneralize and judge, seeing the other side as the enemy. In hostile reductionism we narrow our vision, diluting the human experience to that of one thing or one point of conflict. The other alternative is to simply flee from the conflict feeling shame for disagreeing thereby denying our own concerns to avoid confrontation. Never communicating our needs, we give in and settle for a superficial and temporary remedy. Either response is dualistic.

Instead of labeling the other person or our ourselves as bad or wrong, see this as an opportunity or contrasting life situation that will allow you to build a bridge to a better place, a more desirable moment. Conflict becomes a means for better understanding ourselves and one another. It can create a barrier or a bridge, depending on how one responds.

In the western world, we habitually fall into the logical fallacy seeing all life as either win or lose, right or wrong, all or nothing. Yet if we look to nature for wisdom, here we will see that all creation is comprised of complementary opposites. Dualism limits our options and makes us see differences as threatening. See others as part of the life's journey, either in alignment with one's desire or a pointer to one's newly learned desire. Rather than picking sides, how about seeing any point in time that does not feel right as a point of contrast? This marks the opportunity to better educate, to understand, to learn and then either resolve or to realign behaviors with yet a new desire or objective. This creates a flow that always moves us to a better place. The alternative is to "be right," static and stuck.

Look beyond friend or foe,
Profit or loss,
Fame and disgrace.

You will always prevail in any conflict situation using this approach.

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Comments

[JesperDK]

11:06 AM on 02/26/2012

Hey Peter!
Communicating our needs and desires to our partner is the best way to keep a relationship healthy and stable. Most of us just seek temporary relief, but those relationships don't last long because at some point either one of the two persons always gives up because there's a lot of resentment accumulated.
great article!

[ChristopherAnderson]

02:16 PM on 02/21/2012

To be able to perceive conflict as a positive step to improve our relationships is a key element. I don't see nowadays many people who would take conflict as a bridge to build and construct a more positive relationship. Most people break up during moments of conflict because they blame one another, and have no willingness to accept. But, those who do it get rewarded with the benefits of a healthy relationship. Not many people know how to listen...
I totally agree with you, Peter!

[Jimenez50]

12:40 PM on 02/21/2012

Conflict is, indeed, a means for better understanding if both parties are open minded and considerate. Normally, blaming takes over us, and stops us from seeing that conflict is actually a positive step to improve our every day relationships!
Greetings!

[CharlotteBarnes]

06:48 PM on 02/20/2012

It's true! Ego takes over us most of the times when we get into arguments, and we have the tendency to blame one another, which ends up causing more pain.

[ChristianTX]

12:15 PM on 02/02/2012

Interesting way to look at conflict, Peter! Schools and media coverage about this topic is vague and negative. As you well say it, differences are not a threat but an opportunity to grow.

[ChargerFan11]

11:27 AM on 02/02/2012

Conflict should indeed be taken as an opportunity to create a desirable moment and build what you call a bridge. We always overgeneralize, and see others as our enemies instead of taking it as a hint to progress and change.

Must relationships end because of communication issues, and must of the time it is because we don't give the other person the chance to talk freely without being judged or blamed.

Great article and great approach!

[ChristianUK]

10:42 AM on 02/02/2012

Wow, I would have never thought that conflict was positive. You are always very positive. I always struggle with this...Thanks for sharing!

[MiaSvensson]

10:38 AM on 02/02/2012

Hey Peter! You are right. Dualism definitely limits our options. To see a broader picture of a conflict, we have to open ourselves up to understanding, and allow ourselves to be more flexible and less judgmental. To be compassionate is a virtue in relationships.

[Andersdk]

10:19 AM on 02/02/2012

We are indeed extremist on the way we think, behave and act. We see it all black or white, and forget that grey may bring a balance in our lives. The key is balance. When we talk about relationships, it is interesting to see how we have that tendency to blame each other. As you mentioned, we can create bridges or barriers.
Loved the article!

[Natale Teodoro]

08:13 PM on 01/31/2012

This article makes a good point. I would add that it is not the conflict itself that improved relationships. It is the nature of the resolution that leads to relational growth. There are plenty of couples who have frequent conflict but are struggling to last because they lack the skills to regulate their own emotions, to communicate, to problem solve, or to balance standing one's ground with accommodation. With a little support, couples like this can learn how to use conflict for growth opportunity as opposed to hindrance. One thing that is helpful is to let go of the myth of living "happily ever after," unless your talking about your own cultivated inner sense of peace. All healthy and lasting relationships have conflict, but also have the ability for positive resolution.
-Nate Teodoro, LMFT
www.modernfamilytherapy.blogspot.com
www.modernfamilytherapy.com

[Mericiana Howard]

03:52 PM on 01/31/2012

Great article Peter. I've been feeling the push to be more public, to go out into the world more, I know a lot of you are feeling like its time to step up or step out of your "Psychic Closet." For some of you this just means being willing to say what you want and be as big and cool and spiritual as you really are, no matter where you are. So lately I have been creating techniques that allow me to be my Authentic Self. I sometimes feel that others don't see us as we truly are, it's like being in your own dimension and even being influenced by others who are unable to decifer our energy of our greater self. It's the human costume that other's wear and so we may end up having to explain ourselves, feeling dissapointed by their response. The authentiic self is aware of another's hidden truth, yet they are usually hiding behind their dogma of religion, separation, as most of us have learned to hide ourselves. If we all learn to love unconditionally, we would have no reasons to hide who we are.

[Dolphinfan33]

09:08 AM on 01/31/2012

It is rare to see someone approaching conflict positively. It would make relationships progress so much better, and perhaps the divorce rate would not be so high. We should look at conflict as opportunity instead as of failure. You are right on it when you say that conflict becomes a means for better understanding ourselves and one another.
Once again, great article!

[rowdiman]

10:10 PM on 01/30/2012

I used to avoid conflict at any cost. Now I have learned that it can indeed, strengthen a relationship. When you learn how to express your point in a clear and calm manner and LISTEN to the other person, it is amazing how receptive both of you become towards finding resolution. Keep your voice down, try to see things from their point of view and really think about "is this what matters to me on my deathbed"?

[Peter Baksa]

12:55 PM on 01/31/2012

Nice perspective - but who cares if you are going to die anyway....Just kidding. Thanks for participating.

[TOGOMedia]

02:45 PM on 01/30/2012

"Truth springs from argument amongst friends." ~David Hume

Great post.

~Mark

[Peter Baksa]

12:52 PM on 01/31/2012

Great contribution - thanks for your participation. Best, Peter

[TOGOMedia]

01:25 PM on 01/31/2012

Thanks, Peter.

Great choice of topic—very misunderstood.

~Mark