As a writer, you can probably guess what I spend my time doing most mornings; That's right, I watch several hours of TV. Lately, though, it's starting to freak me out. Not because I'm wasting time. Hell, I'm better at it than in writing a simple, declarative sentence. It's because of all the terrifying commercials. My recent favorite shows a pleasant-looking guy with gray hair, who looks like the dean of some loopy liberal arts college. He stares at the camera and says, "I still can't believe it. A heart attack at 53."
I don't know how the rest of the commercial goes. Because, being 53 myself, I'm suddenly too busy chewing a handful of aspirin and checking Amazon to see how fast they can mail me a defibrillator. Should I switch channels, you can be sure the next thing I hear is, "Have you or a loved one used (insert medicine here) in the past year? You may be entitled to a huge cash settlement!" The next station I turn to is no relief. They are usually telling me how I can sue, now that I've been suffering with mesothelioma. Or how my relatives can sue, considering that the disease races through your body and kills you in about the same time it takes to watch the commercial.
And on and on it goes.
I can't say for sure, but I think television was a better place to go before the war on terror. They use to suggest that you try cholesterol-lowering medications. Not have someone's grieving widow tell what you life was like before their husband dropped dead. Because he didn't take the stuff.
And since when did they start talking about the price of a funeral and how you better take out funeral insurance, so your loved ones won't be stuck with the tab after you die. From not taking that cholesterol-lowering medicine. I know I'm old, but I remember soothing commercials for pills that promised you a good night's sleep. Not how screwed everyone was going to be if you took the wrong kind and didn't wake up in the morning. And what law firm your family should contact when you didn't. Like our current recession, I think this is all the fault of the last administration.
Seriously, isn't all this scare-tactics stuff, just a TV version of our color-coded fears of another terrorist attack? Is Dick Cheney on retainer for various companies, advising them about how to scare the public into buying cholesterol-lowering medicine, worrying about mesothelioma and how to get started now and buy casket insurance? If I thought such medications were helping Cheney, I probably would begin taking them. But you know, they're not. After 14 heart attacks, it's clearer than ever, he's as immortal as Vlad The Impaler. Without the warmth. And will live through the ages to come.
Cholesterol-lowering medicine has nothing to do with it. Haven't we all had enough to be frightened of these past 7 years? Don't answer, it's rhetorical. TV use to be a place to go to get away from the ugliness that we have to deal with on a day-to day-basis. Alright, there was The Dennis Miller Show, but that was a fluke. Advertisers, listen up: I can't stay locked onto Turner Classic Movies every minute of the day. I'll still get charged for all those 411 other stations in my cable package. We have a new administration now, reflecting change and a positive attitude toward life.
So, let's make a deal. You can scare us into taking a new pill that will absolutely prevent us from getting swine flu. You can tell us what funeral insurance to buy in case we don't take the pill and die. Or what law firm to contact, in case we do take the pill and the side effects of growing another head kick in. But after that, can you cool it for a while? This writer needs to take a break in the morning, watch the tube and just feel a little bit bad for not getting any work done.
That's about all I can handle. Do we have a deal?