Roberts Supreme Court Rulings We're Likely to See

We got a little taste of what we can expect from the Roberts Court last week. It was just a taste though -- kind of like those first few banjo twangs in Deliverance.

Wait until these boys get cranked up and going. They'll be churning out the dumb, dangerous, splay-toothed and slightly-inbred activist decisions like Carters cranks out those little pills.

A few of the rulings we're apt to see:

1. Bush vs Anybody. Splitting 5-4, the Court rules that Bush wins every time. Writing for the majority, Justice Scalia says, "No matter what. This means you."

2. Roe vs Brown. Upholds an Alabama lower court ruling upholding a law providing separate but equal accommodations for anyone in favor of a woman's right to choose.

3. Skin Cell Doe vs Doe. Establishes personhood for sloughed skin cells, outlaws the use of loofahs, except for Bill O'Reilly.

4. Reverends Billy Bob, Billy Jim, Billy Dean et al vs the United States of America. Court strikes down Establishment Clause. Makes First Church of the Snake Handling Tennessee Two-Step the official religion of the United States of America.

5. WalMart vs Henderson. Sides with giant retailer, making WalMart the company store to which all middle and lower class Americans owe their soul. Those with income over $200,000 per year are exempt.