"I'm still not sure exactly what happened," said gaffe-prone, beleaguered Secretary of State John Kerry, "but I'm told I agreed to sanctions on myself."
In an exclusive, Kerry explained his mistake.
"So there we were in the Middle East. I travel almost constantly, and at my age, even with a large staff, it can get hard to keep track. I mean, have you ever been to the MidEast? Every place looks like every other place. It's hot, sandy, and each country seems to have some sort of odd headgear. Look, I'm not the first to get confused by all this."
"Anyway, so I'm tired. We're in West-Somewhere-Stan, some forsaken patch of garbage with no oil, where the national export is dust, and I'm shaking hands for a photo op with what seems like the same orphan I shook hands in Baghdad, Kabul, Cairo and Tunis. Does that kid travel on the plane with me? We had had some local food for lunch which did not agree with me, and so I proposed sanctioning humus. Maybe it was sort of a joke, maybe I meant Hamas, maybe it was the Ambien talking. Next thing I know, the State Department spokesperson in Washington is telling reporters I have imposed a sanction on a beloved food product."
"It really hits the fan then. Half the Middle East turns around and imposes retaliatory sanctions on me. They can't agree on something simple like not killing each other, and bang! overnight they band together on some silly food thing. I had hoped it was going to blow over like always, but then Israel joins in the sanctions against me. Cray cray, amiright?"
Kerry leaned over to an aide, who confirmed for him that he had read his printed talking points correctly.
"Can't be too careful, right?" joked Kerry, now chewing on the edge of the note card.
"So once Israel agreed to join every Arab nation on the planet in sanctioning me, my hands were tied. I mean, when Israel barks, I'm there with a Scooby treat, often a multi-million dollar treat. So, in a show of solidarity with Israel -- who indeed has the right to defend itself against me, which I strongly support -- I agreed to join the sanctions regime against myself. I even explained that the United States views the situation with concern to make it all official. Tomorrow I'll add 'grave concern.' That'll show me I mean business about myself."
"Next thing I know, everybody in the U.S. is on TV about it. I thought nobody actually watched those Sunday morning news shows, but it turns out that Fox has an intern who takes notes if she's up early. Pretty soon all of the media has opinions on this, some former ambassador is writing an Op-Ed and then Barack orders me to come home and not leave my room."
"So we get on the plane and I'm relaxing with a stiff drink when out the window I see three F-18's escorting us. My pilot tells me they're trying to force us to land somewhere, saying I'm violating my own sanctions by flying, plus I'm on the No-Fly list now. Guess what? I end up in Moscow! Nearest airport somehow. You'd think they had a lot of places to stay there with capitalism and all, but I found out all the VIPs are stuck in the same place, which was booked solid for the Ukrainian National Day celebration, and I get stuck on Edward Snowden's couch for the night. Awkward."
"At least the guy is pretty quiet, though he leaves his towels on the floor in the shower. And who doesn't flush? But we got along OK and he even helped me with my laptop. The State Department still runs some software thingie I'm told is called "Windows XP" and Snowden told me it hadn't been 'patched' since 'like when the first Matrix came out.' I had left the paper with all my passwords on the plane, but he knew mine somehow. He even said he installed a free 'keylogger' for me and some other good stuff. I asked him if I needed a new laptop and he was adamant that I should never, ever stop using the one he had installed all that magic stuff on. What could I say? Hah hah, I can't even program my VCR I told Ed."
"That was apparently funny, because my aide had to explain to Ed what a VCR was. Ed said 'LOL,' which made me feel good after all those sanctions."
"How it could the day get worse? One word -- Vladimir Putin. Really, what is that guy's problem? Putin shows up on TV opposing sanctions against me. C'mon, does that dude have to oppose everything we do? Yeah, apparently he does. So I have to throw together a press conference where I call out Putin for opposing sanctions on me, and call on the international community to robustly support even greater sanctions against me. The EU issues a statement saying they resolutely aren't sure what their position is, and the press sniping starts all over. I'm stuck 'accidentally' saying into an open mic I'm personally really angry at myself for not upholding the sanctions. What a mess."
"Next thing I know, my own State Department starts tweeting about the sanctions, hashtagging my sorry self with junk like #SaveALifeSanctionKerry. Worse yet, they're sending me emails asking me to approve the tweets about myself, something about policies come and go but bureaucracy remains. Man, me and Snowden had a laugh about that one. He knew my password for Netflix and so we just chilled after that."
"So here I am stuck in Russia with all these sanctions on me. I hear Obama is threatening to 'ratchet down' the sanctions on me if China doesn't lower tariffs. I'd like to fly there and sort that out, but with the sanctions I'm really over a barrell. I can't even use my card at the ATM. At this point I'm not sure what to do next. I'm thinking of calling up Jon Stewart and seeing if he'll weigh in for me. He's about the only guy left Barack really listens to. Wish me luck."