Are you ready for the holidays? Or, more specifically: Are you ready for the Hallmark Holidays? The Hallmark Holidays, which we've been celebrating by watching the Hallmark Channel since November 1 when you slackers were just digging into the Halloween candy, have their own special set of traditions. We've become fond and familiar with them over the years, and have developed a little quiz to put your Hallmark Holiday spirit to the test. Let's get started, shall we?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that attractive single people fall in love at Christmas when it snows. Your true love is definitively confirmed when:
(a) You bump heads while ice skating or tying a bow.
(b) He/she gently wipes a smear of cookie frosting off your cheek.
(c) You met 20 years ago in an echoing flashback but neither one of you remembers a thing about it...yet.
(d) Your sassy and eccentric best friend/wise old uncle/tipsy grandmother tricks you into spending time alone together.
(e) You end up in a car in a snowstorm with a stranger, far from home with no cell phone or ability to reach your family.*
*Note: Careful! If this is on Lifetime instead of Hallmark, it could be an abduction/ritual killing.
This time of year, covert operatives from the North Pole are everywhere. They can best be identified by:
(a) The faint sound of jingle bells as they walk away after saying something that makes you raise one eyebrow in suspicion.
(b) Creepily knowing that one childhood Christmas wish you never told anybody ever.
(c) Wearing a festive hat--always--to cover pointy ears.
(d) Loves cookies, red suit, white beard.
You know who else is probably hiding in your apartment building, preparing your hot cocoa at the local diner, or directing your child's Christmas pageant? An angel. But how can you tell which seemingly human person is actually heaven-sent?
(a) Always kind and calm, to the extent that you wonder if she's maybe just a tad over-medicated.
(b) Has frequent conversations on the sly with empty space or some inanimate object like the angel on top of the Christmas tree, renewing your concerns about the medication situation.
(c) Shows up a week before Christmas, talks vaguely about how he's "not from around here," promptly finds homes for orphans, disappears on Christmas Eve.
(d) Has a non-emergent emergency requiring your immediate attention every time you try to "check the records."
(e) Is Patty Duke.
If you're a low income single parent during the Hallmark Holiday season, take a breather because you can look forward to:
(a) Having a whole new life thanks to the Christmas puppy you can't afford but couldn't refuse your kids.
(b) Your wildest dreams coming true, all because, no matter how hopeless things are, you never forget the true meaning of Christmas.
(c) Friendly folk in the town you're just passing through providing you with a precious, snug little home because they just want you to stay.
(d) That ornament/carving/recipe you found magically bringing you an engagement ring from that handsome stranger you met last Tuesday.
If you've worked hard your entire life, leaning in to your education and work, it is entirely acceptable and understandable to reassess your priorities and abandon your ambitious career if:
(a) You go back to visit your small town and your old flame happens to be single.
(b) You wake up in an initially terrifying alternate reality where you have kids and a big slobbery dog.
(c) You break a stiletto heel.
(d) You get that big promotion and suddenly realize that what you want is what's always been right in front of you.
Your love life is right on track. You and your fiancé are totally in synch and just made for each other, or so it seems. Unfortunately, this is not the guy for you if:
(a) He either doesn't decorate or prefers cold-looking "modern" décor to homey traditional Christmas swag.
(b) He takes a call from work every time you're about to tell him something that advances the plot.
(c) He doesn't like pets or kids.
(d) You just met a cowboy.
Bonus Round: True or False?
Patriotic patriotism is the best. Only soldiers with duffle bags just getting back from deployment get full frontal hugs and open mouth kisses.
You can barehand a paper cup of scalding hot chocolate and never spill a drop, but you can only take big fake gulps.
You can type on a keyboard like a baby banging on a Fisher Price piano and whatever you write will be brilliant.
You should always follow your dream, as long as your dream is to kiss your new boyfriend under the falling snow in front of the white twinkle lights in the last 30 seconds of this movie.
Scoring: Everyone's a winner during the Hallmark Holidays, except for the jilted workaholic fiancés, who get what they deserve.
Juliana W. Miner and Peyton Price are the hostesses and reviewers at Is This Hallmark Movie Good for a Hallmark Movie? on Facebook and Twitter.