06/02/2011 03:05 pm ET | Updated Aug 01, 2011

Your House Is an Inadequate Indefensible Piece of Trash

It is almost guaranteed that your current dwelling is not up to end-of-days "code." Can your house withstand prolonged attacks from the smiting fires of heaven, alien assault, sun farts, thousands of screaming zombies, and your neighbor engulfed in flames? Imagine your house
as an ice cream truck, and imagine thousands of pie-eyed, sweaty little fat kids desperately want inside your adequately stocked, super-cooled fatty van. Now imagine yourself as the ice cream and the countless zombies as those sweaty little fat kids trying to get you. They will be running and crashing into every window and door, attempting to gain entry while screaming gibberish and flailing wildly. Or imagine a demon patrol happening upon your "we-survived-the-end-of-days party" and organizing a force of twenty thousand hellspawn to destroy your home and collect your heads as trophies. Your dirty lack of religious devotion is sensed by hundreds of angels, who swoop down, throwing flaming bags of dog feces and rocks, attempting to send you to Lake Brimstone. Or aliens might blast your wooden door with green flames, turning your house into alien crème brule, allowing them to eat their way through it to come in and probe you freely. This is how you need to be thinking. Remember, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and you need to be thinking about every window, door, and wall (including the roof). Sure, you can probably get by hiding in the attic or basement for some time like a mouse, just hoping that a random flaming bag of dog feces does not start your roof on fire or that a fat, sweaty zombie doesn't barrel through the basement door, roll down the stairs, then get up and chase you hungrily. If you truly want to survive, either build a structure from the ground up or retrofit your existing structure.

Buy a castle if you have the money. Plenty of them are actually for sale because they usually outlast their residents, which is a great sign. Older castles on cliffs or hills, with armor, archer towers, and drawbridges, are ideal. If the description says "owned by a Templar knight" or something similar, buy it. Some castles even have rivers and plentiful fruit orchards nearby because the residents understood the need for security and food. If you cannot afford an existing castle, you can have one built. Multiple companies employ old and new construction methods to create castles to suit, from the mad-scientist model to the French chateau layout. If you have the money to burn, this is the best option. Before castle construction, have a fallout shelter built under it stocked with enough supplies for one thousand years, just in case. The castle should be octagonal and have the following features:

  1. Eight archer towers for snipers to take turns looking out for rogue angels, zombies marauders--and Sasquatch in certain regions.
  2. A domed roof covered in corrugated steel to repel any avalanche, heavenly fireballs, and bird poop.
  3. An exterior defense wall with elevated walkways and a moat just beyond the wall. A layer of defense is necessary, as you cannot pour boiling oil on people if they are right outside your door, because, say, if your neighbor happens to be answering the door, he will get covered in hot oil, catch fire, and run around in your house.
  4. Portcullis and drawbridge, because no wall is truly complete without the safety of a wrought-iron gate and retractable front door.
  5. A dungeon, for any zombies or door-to-door salespeople.
  6. A trebuchet in the castle yard so you can launch stones at pillagers or take your garbage out.
  7. A sprinkler system, because no firefighters will come to the rescue.
  8. Retractable steel covers for all windows.
  9. Only one ground-floor entrance with a steel door (and portcullis on the other side of it).

If having a castle built is too expensive and you're a do-it-your-selfer, build your own castle. Go to your local hardware stores and purchase all of the cinder blocks (without holes) and brick mortar that you can.

Excerpt from The End of Days Survival Guide by Philip Mackey, Available June 6 on Amazon