'Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the production company,
Not a creature was stirring:
except for the development execs who hadn't gone home yet;
The stockings were hung by the script breakdowns with care,
in hopes that supplemental financing would soon be there;
The artists were all nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of ancillary marketing danced in their heads;
And rappers who composed the title song; in their 'kerchief,
and I in my cap, had just settled down for a family moment,
with my smart phone, tablet and I'll be there in a minute I have to take this -- !
When out on the internet there arose such a viral,
That I sprung from my arrogant yearly Christmas letter writing,
to see this million hit rival.
Away to my Microsoft Windows I flew like a flash,
Tore open the virus protection and threw up the history erasing software.
The moon on the breast of our newly hired leading lady,
Gave the luster of scandal in her sex tape just uploaded.
When, outside to my wondering eyes came before us,
Yes! A miniature foreign sales sleigh and eight tiny lawyers;
With a little old driver; so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Slick!
More rapid than Disney childhood stars spiraling into dysfunction they came,
And he texted, and blue toothed, and called them by name:
"Now Leopold! Now, Loeb! Now, Bialystock and Bloom! On, Ponzi! On Pyramid! On, Bit Coin and Ruin!"
To the top of what's trending, I know the web's call,
I'll make production delays dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
As paparazzi before the wild celebrity fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, sue said celebrities for bodily injury and harm,
So up to the house-top the lawyers they flew,
With the sleigh full of principle photography start dates, and St. Slick too.
And then, on my video security system I saw on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little dress shoe.
As I alerted my team pre-production might start,
Down the chimney St. Slick came to see our conceptual art.
He was dressed all in fur; from his head to his foot,
But P.E.T.A. had tarnished his clothes with red paint and soot!
A bundle of private funding he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a mere screenwriter opening his back pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples, how surgically perfect!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! And he had two years sober.
His droll little mouth shook off box office woes,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the net profit page of any studio feature we know;
The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth,
but it wasn't lit because of CA's landmark statewide smoke free workplace, outdoor public spaces, parks, beaches and shopping districts law.
But the smoke I imagined could have encircled his head like some Sheik;
He had a broad face and six pack abs from his palates class belly,
That rippled, when he laughed, like America's proud flag.
Oops, Fox News hijacked that line.
He was commanding and svelte, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my selfie;
A wink of his eye, as our .pdf script back log he read,
Soon gave me to know I might receive production deal bread;
He spoke not a word, but extensive note taking commenced,
And he filled all the stockings; with Pay or Plays as pretense,
And laying his finger on the top script he'd chose,
And dropping an option fee, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team face-timed and Skyped,
and away they all flew like meta data mined by NSA types.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Your project's a go! If you cast it just right!"
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.