Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Philip David Morton Headshot

Too Big To Fail Again!

Posted: Updated:
Print
EFE
EFE

I don't understand why people complain about Too Big To Fail. Just because a few companies have metastasized into entities so immense they transcend national boundaries and eclipse the net worth of some countries, is no cause for alarm. Some of my best friends have no boundaries and eclipse me personally and I find that adorable.

All this hysteria about no "accountability" is so "last economic meltdown." It seems to me that there is plenty of accountability. Look at the bank HSBC in the news this week for money laundering. One of the largest banks in the world caught red-handed in one of the largest corruption schemes in history dealing with enemies of the Unites States in Iran and drug lords in Mexico. HSBC didn't just take their tainted cash and launder it, but guided them on how to transmit it so as not to get caught by U.S. Agents!

That's not failing, that's succeeding! HSBC increased their balance sheet! Profits are up! And no one gets hurt! Well, there was also a Saudi bank that gave their freshly laundered money to a terrorist organization. But think of the banking fees on these large transactions! Well HSBC all I can say is: "Finally someone with a business plan!"

Remember a good banking litmus test; terrorist clients are often quite high maintenance, so if you're at a bank that can deal with that kind of customer care, you know you're at a top institution.

Here is some common sense about "Too Big To Fail." The bigger something is, the more it has to succeed. Right? Look at the dinosaurs.

Some people might be put off by this clientele. But we must remember that America is a country built on the backs of people who couldn't fight back. And I mean that in a nice way. So let's stop complaining because why upset the balance these extremely large criminal money institutions rely on to succeed?

In fact, that was part of their defense. The Guardian wrote "Had the U.S. authorities decided to press charges, HSBC would almost certainly have lost its banking license in the U.S... and the entire banking system would have been destabilized," and Department of Justice Asst. Attorney General Lanny Breuer warned of the "collateral consequences" of prosecuting the bank.

But on the other hand, the bank has publicly said "It is profoundly sorry." And to me that is real accountability. To own up to your Terrorist Drug Lord cash business this way takes real maturity.

Remember the three branches of government that ensure our safety in situations like this: Banking, Lobbying and the Military. The checks and balances between these three ensure that no single branch can make a move without bribes to the others. That's what we call in America as "Governing."

"Too Big to Fail" came to notoriety in 2008 when the insurance giant A.I.G. went into financial freefall when their tricky mortgage insurance and deceitful financial investing became worthless and caused the meltdown known today as "our current economy." The American taxpayers bailed the insurance giant out to the tune of $182 billion as the international company was deemed "Too Big To Fail." It was feared that their insolvency would crash the stock market and raise unemployment.

Fortunately the upside after their bailout was that the stock market collapsed and unemployment soared.

But A.I.G. proves that "Too Big To Fail" works! The company just recently paid back this landmark loan of public money back to the Treasury. The downside, former A.I.G. CEO Hank Greenberg just this week sued the American people for the harsh terms of the very bailout that saved the company.

This may seem to be an arrogant move by a small-minded man. But we should thank Hank Greenberg for his Too Big To Fail attitude. Because it teaches us something very valuable: It teaches us that inhuman mind-numbing success-oriented sociopaths can succeed in this country just like anyone else. Way to go America! I know it's hard to imagine the psyche of such a psychopath carving out profit at the expense of others. But just imagine Kim Kardashian as an international hedge fund. Have that picture in your mind? I'm sorry.

Some say it's a dark day for the rule of law, but what a wet blanket those legal scholars are. I think it's time to embrace Too Big To Fail. I say it's time to make a bold move and classify every man woman and child in America as Too Big To Fail!

This way we can all make inept and criminal choices, lie, cheat and steal our way towards self profit, be short-sighted, duplicitous and then count on being rewarded by a council of our peers. Then we could all finally experience the same freedom in this country as some of our most successful institutions.

America is all about freedom, isn't it? It says so in the brochure.