THE BLOG
06/06/2013 11:17 am ET | Updated May 26, 2015

Thank God for Drones

Thank God for Drones. I've been worried sick that my gaming 11-year-old would have no future in the job market. What a breath of relief for parents today to know down the recession road their elementary school kids have job security out of college policing the Middle East as a Drone pilot.

"Stop gaming, read a book!" I tell my 11-year-old. Sure my boy's scoring high in Mrs. Kallman's fifth grade class, but that will translate to squat when he graduates college and our economy is still tanked thanks to military-industrial econo-gymnastics over the past 12 years.

Add in the banking failures of the recession that would leave Darwin scratching his head as to why bankers can continue as a species, and I know he's going to be living at home until he's 30 on a meager salary, if I'm lucky.

Then it hit me. He's already in basic training! He has the highest scores on the toughest gaming platforms our there! Isn't that what our American kids have over any others? Desensitization to violence and a CGI license to kill? Why not turn that into hard cash in the free market?

My son can kill more monsters, enemy soldiers and killer crabs than a platoon of terminators on Cyborg Growth Hormone with one arm tied behind his back.

Take that corporate America! You thought you'd already classified my kid unemployable because of a good education and citizenship which requires you to "pay" him a "fair" wage and "health care" and "pension"? Your work force of half-timers and freelancers with no benefits hired in recession desperation is no longer his problem. Thanks to Silicon Valley he's way ahead of you and very employable!

Now Drones may seem horrifically violent with no accountability to some. But that's being negative.

I see a fiscal bright side. Job numbers go up as the terrorists go down. Or their neighbors. Or whomever. Why quibble over accuracy? More importantly it's not a bad way to cut down those bloated municipal budgets at home by removing non-essential things. Like the police force. That's why I can't wait until they implement Drones in the suburbs! Think of how that will wake up our sleepy domestic jobs market!

Now some say hellish robotic gunfire raining down from the sky will cause an eradication of our civil liberties. But I say why is that bad?

In the old days, cops needed warrants to take you into custody, and had to read you your rights before questioning. But that is so last century. And time-consuming! I'm sure the military wanted Drones to question people from 2000 feet but they just don't have an app for that yet. I am told by a credible source that they do have several missiles with some excellent questions written on them.

So if you're accidentally killed for suspicious behavior and targeted for your high internet bandwidth, regardless if it's for terrorism or a shopping spree on Amazon, you probably deserved it. We can sort out all those annoying accuracy factoids about your death later after we get some kill numbers up to show the system works! Just remember as you're taken down on main street by those unseen snipers in the sky -- to think of those job numbers! You've helped them go up!

"Put down that book!" I tell my son. Keep gaming!

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.