Dear Ask Phyllis Readers, I'm pleased to introduce Dr. Susan Guthrie, a Psychotherapist and Life Coach as guest writer to Ask Phyllis. I thought you would enjoy comparing an astrological perspective with a psychological perspective on queries. We'd love your feedback askphyllis@gmail.com
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Dear Phyllis,
Five years ago my Leo* sister married a Scorpio* man who controls her with tantrums and emotional manipulation. She used to be very close to me and the rest of the family, but she virtually never calls or tries to see us anymore. I've tried telling her many times how much I miss but she ignores me and tells me that it's my problem. HELP!
-Sibling-starved Cancer*
Astrologer Phyllis replies:
Oh, dear. This is a complicated. On the one hand, you are missing your sister. On the other hand, you are concerned about the dynamics of her marriage. Both issues can be very worrisome to your family-oriented Cancer self. Although you would love your brood to be emotionally healthy and tight, it doesn't seem to be happening right now. And there is only so much you can do about it.
It does sound like your brother-in-law is exemplifying some of the controlling tendencies his sign Scorpio is known for. Scorpios are often exclusive, their intense emotions can erupt in (devastating) tantrums and their savvy helps them brilliantly manipulate others.
Why do people love Scorpios? Because they are also tender, delicious, exciting and deeply passionate and involved. Chances are your brother-in-law is giving your sister something special. The good between them might outweigh (what you consider as) the bad.
Keep in mind that Scorpios typically ignite their controlling behaviors out of a need to keep themselves safe -- emotionally and otherwise -- rather than out of deliberate meanness or cruelty.
It's not a surprise that your brother-in-law doesn't want to spend time with your family. Scorpios are very picky socially. They typically surround themselves with a few carefully selected and well-tested companions and ignore the rest of the world.
The simple truth is your family might not interest your brother-in-law. Or, he may sense your judgments of him (expressed or unexpressed -- Scorpios are hyper-sensitive to other's feelings and intentions) and prefer to steer clear of you.
The bigger issue is why the heck your Leo sister is going along with her Scorpio husband's limited social agenda. After all, Leos tend to be inclusive and outgoing, if not the ring-leaders of their social circle. Why is she avoiding you and your family?
Because Leos value love very, very highly. They tend to do whatever it takes to create and maintain love, even if it involves sacrifice. Your sister might be jumping through hoops to keep her connection with her Scorpio husband alive and thriving. If she needs to honor his need for privacy and one-to-one intimacy, so be it, she might feel.
If you think your sister is zooming past maintaining intimacy and entering dominated wife territory you might be correct. Many Leos are working on discovering the appropriate balance between self-assertion and surrender in their relationships these days. Specifically, Leos are learning what kind of sacrifice expands and benefits them, vs. the kind of sacrifice that wears them down and defeats them.
Leos learn through doing - so make room for your sister to do this. She might be trying to develop something she doesn't think you or your family supports. Or your sister might be learning that cutting off her family to please her husband isn't healthy self-support.
But your sister needs to discover this for herself. If you chime in with your opinion she might resent it and avoid you even more.
What can you do? Respect her choice. Accept her. Nurture her. Do what woos every Leo: love and adore her. Show her respect for the decisions she's making and let her know that you'd welcome spending more time with her whenever she's ready.
Then, sister-starved Cancer: tend to your hurt feelings by reminding yourself that this isn't personal. Your sister is doing her best to grow and develop. Turn your attention to your life and what you would like to grow and develop. Apply your creativity there.
Dr. Susan Guthrie Replies :
Loosing your sister this way is terribly painful, and may even feel like a death to you. But the reality is that, although she is still alive, your former relationship with her has died. It sounds as if you're holding on to the hope of getting it back. Hanging on to that hope is destructive to you and may lead to depression, obsession and hopelessness.
A healthier choice would be to mourn the loss of what you had with her before this marriage. Grieving is painful but it opens the door to healing and compassion and forgiveness.
The smart (not easy) approach when you're suffering is to ask, 'What does this tell me about myself?' You may have a pattern of expecting more from others (and likely yourself) than they can deliver. Your sister isn't pushing you away on purpose - rather her husband is demanding that she be the center of her universe! She, like most of us, is probably doing the best she can to keep him happy.
Your request (demand?) that she give more attention to you is unrealistic. Although it's great that you asked her for more closeness, your unwillingness to accept her response is a little like you're having your own (although very different) temper tantrum at her, just like you-know-who.
True liberation and empowerment are ours the moment we stop trying to make other people act the way we want them to and accept them as they are - flawed and human, just like us. Standing on the ground of acceptance, love can flourish between you and your sister, and between you and your self - exactly what you want most!
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Learn real ways to overcome every sign's naughty habits as well as love them the way they want to be loved in Astrology's Secrets to Hot Romance How to Find True Compatibility and the One Who's Right for You by Phyllis F. Mitz, M.A..
*Leo are born July 22-Aug-22
*Scorpios are born Oct.23-Nov.22
*Cancers are born Jun22-July22