With all the wretchedness we've been through over the last 2 1/2 years, we felt extremely blessed to finally get pregnant via IVF. It's important to share my process because at least for me, in the beginning stages I felt so much shame and guilt. I often went to thoughts of wrong doing. I should have been able to conceive naturally. It was my right as a woman. Perhaps I should have accepted that pregnancy was just not in the cards for me. Then again, maybe this was the way down our path.
During these last five weeks, I ebbed and flowed between feeling excited, happy, and positive to dark, heavy, and morbid. I didn't trust the process or my body. What if things changed for the worst? What if the universe was just playing a trick on me?
It was the night before my next blood test. As I tried to sleep, there were so many voices chattering away in my head. One moment I thought of how amazing it was to have a life growing inside of me. In the very next moment I labeled myself as insane. I couldn't possibly still be pregnant. My mind would not quiet down. Somehow I was able to get a few hours of sleep.
When I woke up the next day, I was spotting. Was I manifesting my worst fears? I went into a panic but there was a bigger part of me that just wanted to find peace in the midst of all the skepticism.
With all my will, I sat down to meditate. It's been so difficult for me to focus lately, but I took several long, deep breaths and delved into gratitude. I thanked the Universe for what's to come, I found appreciation for my breath and stillness. I envisioned my belly getting bigger and celebrating this joyous time with my husband and loved ones. I also envisioned myself as a little girl, the little girl who doubted everything and felt undeserving. I hugged her, loved her, and assured her everything was OK.
It was time to go. I got in my car and drove myself to the clinic. I bumped into my nurse on the elevator. She greeted me with a big smile and some much appreciated enthusiasm.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"I was spotting this morning." I muttered.
"Oh that's totally normal, I'll call you this afternoon with the results of your blood test"
She kept it all very simple. Yet I wanted to make it all very complicated. My mind had trouble grasping the idea that it could all be going well for me. My thoughts were sitting in the last 2 + years of struggle and disappointment. I heard a small whisper come through me. It assured me that the time is now.
I sat in the lab, got pricked in the arm, my blood drawn, and I left. I was on the road again by 9:00 a.m.
It was now 2:00 p.m. and the nurse hadn't called. Making me wait five hours for her call seemed like emotional abuse. I've created a habit of hanging on every moment, every step, and each agonizing thought. Maybe she has bad news.
I decided to call and leave a message as well as send an email. Doesn't she understand that I've been waiting for this call for years? Why hasn't she called yet?
I paused. I took a breath in and I exhaled out. Repeatedly.
The phone finally rang. It was her, my nurse.
"Hi Pia, your numbers are really high. Everything looks great. You are very pregnant."
Somehow, that wasn't enough... "What do high numbers mean?"
She went on to explain. She might have well been speaking Chinese. Then she set me up for a sonogram in two weeks.
Wow, a sonogram. That means I get to see my baby! A smile emerged. My body softened and I felt my heart open wide.
I called my husband with the news. I could feel the tears of joy streaming down his face. I can always count on him to help me see the good in it all. I am so grateful that we get to take a few more steps forward on this journey.
I went about the day, allowing myself to experience the joy, the love, and the peace of having creation flow through me. It's all a process that seems to be unfolding in right time.