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Baltimore Officials Clarify That Civil Rights Laws Don't Actually Apply to Black People

04/29/2015 05:21 pm ET | Updated Jun 29, 2015
ASSOCIATED PRESS

Following a night of riots beginning in the Mondawmin neighborhood and stretching to Baltimore's Oriole Park at Camden Yards, city officials today, flanked by members of the National Guard, came out and openly admitted that laws protecting civil rights don't apply to black people. "Look," the official said, "we've clearly marginalized this group of people for decades, so my announcement that we're excluding black citizens from the protections guaranteed by civil rights laws should come as no surprise to anyone here. I'm just making it official."

When confronted with the accusation that black Americans have been unfair targets of excessive police brutality, the official demonstrated his command of logic by stating: "The riots in Baltimore are a byproduct of income inequality -- a phenomenon observed along racial lines--and income inequality is a byproduct of capitalism, and capitalism is the foundation of our great democracy. So, we can conclude that excessive police brutality against black Americans is a pillar of our country's democratic principles."

The official agreed that violent riots -- such as those sparked by the death of Freddie Gray, while in police custody -- are not a solution to the problem of widespread civil rights violations, but that "police brutality is, in fact, perfectly legal, in light of what I've laid out here today. By formally announcing the exclusion of an entire race from the protections afforded by civil rights laws, we have paved a clear, permissible path for all future brutalities, including those inflicted by public servants paid to protect us all. Not that legality or the concept of respectful treatment of our fellow humans were ever effective deterrents to police brutality before. This just keeps it all above-board."

"Speaking of infringing on rights," continued the official, "these riots are infringing on my right to enjoy an Orioles game."

NOTE: This post is a work of satire.