"Gallery Girls," the phenomenon in which "making it in the art world" means drunken cat fights, Carrie Bradshaw references and hitting on your smarmy gallery director, just got 1,000 times more real. Last night we entered the bizarro reality TV matrix when we went to Chantal and Claudia's gallery, "End Of Century," to watch the new episode with the Gallery Girls in real life. Trippy, right? Today we rehashed the bizarre night of winning, whining and sweaty gallery directors.
SHAKY BEGINNINGS:
Mallika: What happened when you got there?
Priscilla: I sweat a lot, right away. My confidence shot down a bit. The store looked great! No art though. No. Art.
Mallika: Wait, there were some panels, right? But they were blowing in the really meager breeze.
Priscilla: Those papery things?
Mallika: Yes, it didn't seem like actual art.
Mallika: It got so hot, and I felt like it was really the right physical expression of how uncomfortable the whole thing was.
Priscilla:Claudia was the first to talk to me. She was nice... I felt weird.
THE CUPS OVERFLOWETH:
Priscilla:Good thing Bravo was there to constant refill our wine glasses,
Mallika: It seemed to me like there was a direct correlation to how much a GG talked to you and how badly they come off on the show. Maggie for instance, didn't say a word. Kerri was pretty friendly though.
Priscilla: Yeah, I was definitely most surprised by Liz and Kerri. They were different from what I expected.
Mallika: You missed the second episode right?
Priscilla:Yeah.
Mallika: That's when Bravo made those two seem human. I was expecting to like Liz based purely on her incongruous arm tattoo.
Priscilla:Yeah Liz was killing it this episode, acting all human and stuff! It was a shocker!
Mallika: Sooooooooooo human!
Eli Klein and ARTINFO's Chloe Wyma.
ELI'S SLICKNESS:
Mallika:So... we have to talk about Eli.
Priscilla: GAH ELI!
Mallika: Eli slides in.
Priscilla: Ha, slides is a good word. He looked way better without the greasy hair...
Mallika: Does the camera add five pounds and grease? Because his hair was slicked back...
Priscilla: He was dressed kinda '90s hip hop hipster, no?
Mallika: Totally!
Priscilla: And so pleased with himself.
Mallika: Extremely! Well you would be if you were representing the most famous Chinese artist in the world.
Priscilla: (*If you thought that was Ai Weiwei, it's not. It's Liu Bolin.*)Which Eli assured us was A FACT!
Mallika: "I wouldn't say it if it wasn't a fact." I feel like that's not a fair thing to say. Eli, how can we argue with you now?
Mallika: But my favorite part, by far, was watching Eli with Chloe Wyma from ARTINFO, who has written some stellar descriptions of him.
Priscilla: She was not having it.
Mallika: Nope, she was all, 'please remain a TV character and stop being human in my face.' Also, Eli gets close.
Priscilla: So close, so sweaty. We all were. I'll share that burden with you, Eli. We all were.
Mallika: Do you remember when he complimented her on the phrases she used on him? He liked "first rate villain."
Priscilla: And "YOU MADE ME WANT TO SHOWER TWICE?"
Mallika: And then he told us he was not going to watch the show because he was sweating too much?! Did that actually happen? It feels most like a dream.
Amy and Maggie.
BROOKLYN VS. UES:
Mallika: We did get some deep background that the Manhattan girls and the Brooklyn girls really don't get along in real life.
Priscilla: Oy, when Amy and Maggie were watching that awkward bathroom scene and laughing about it together?
Mallika: Oh man, that was terrible.
Priscilla: I know. AMY IS THE QUEEN. I love her, everyone else needs to take tips.
Mallika: Why do you like her?
Priscilla: She's fun! All the other ones are so boring or evil. She's just into getting her crunchy hair and her drink on.
Mallika: She also clearly is in love with Eli, which makes her an iconoclast.
BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL:
Mallika: Can we talk about watching them read tweets about themselves?
Priscilla: Watching them, then watching the show, then tweeting about it, then seeing them read it, then seeing them tweet back. They're tough though. I give them props. Well, tough or totally delusional.
Mallika: I couldn't decide if they were being abused last night or not.
Priscilla: It was such an orgy of interests, like they are kissing Bravo's ass, we are (kind of?) kissing theirs, Bravo is kissing ours... everybody wins?
Mallika: Or everybody lost.
Kerri and Liz get catty.
KERRI SLAMS AMY:
Mallika: Oh also: THE FIGHT!
Priscilla: OH YES! I SAW A FIGHT! A kind of weak one but a fight nonetheless. Kerri was pissed that Amy was talking badly about her in the interviews, but was nice to her face. Which sometimes happens on reality TV shows... But the whole thing was very brief, probably because I was watching and drooling like a creeper.
Mallika: Soooo kicking Amy while she's down. It wasn't a good episode for her. Also, big moment for me: when you tweeted a pic of Maggie twirling her hair... she stared at her phone for a bit... (probably saw your tweet)... and stopped twirling. THE POWER.
Mallika: What if this is how we interacted, as humans? Just tweeting pictures of each other to the world?
Priscilla: Passive aggressive tweets all the time.
Mallika: Forcing people to stop bad behavior.
Priscilla: I had a college roommate who did that with Facebook statuses... "I wish my roommate would be quiet."
Mallika: That girl sounds like she'd make a wonderful wife and mother.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Mallika: So, in the end, do you think you'll be nicer writing about them? Or feel constrained?
Priscilla: I think they are becoming more and more likable on the show as it is... except Chantal.
Mallika: That's a good point. I guess I sort of feel like I want them not to be human because then it doesn't feel gross to analyze them.
Priscilla: And I'm sure a TV producer can shape you into whatever archetype they want even if you're not a total monster. But they also seemed happy to forego their integrity and old lives for reality TV fame which is kind of weird...
Mallika: Yeah, there should be a famous quote about reality TV and selling one's soul by now.
Priscilla: Very true. Also, good to know no one dies on the show.
IDEAS FOR ROUND 2
Priscilla: If they do it again though... AIR CONDITIONING PLEASE!!! Eli's with us on this one.
Mallika: I know it. Also, can Ryan come next time? (Maggie's Neanderthal boyfriend?)
Priscilla: No words, mucho muscle.
Mallika: I want to see him exist. Bravo presents America's new favorite terrible reality TV show: "Ryan's Spinoff" or "Ryan's Cave," where stock reality TV male characters can be purchased like cars. I like the idea of Ryan as a reality TV male character salesman. Man, so many good spinoffs. Also "Eli's Van."
Priscilla: "Eli's Barbershop." "Eli's 'Facts.'" "Eli's Slave Trade."
Mallika: Ha, "Eli's 'Facts.'" A half hour news show and his signoff is always, "I wouldn't say it" and then the audience says "...if it wasn't a fact!"
Priscilla: Winner gets an unpaid intern for life.
Tune in next week to Gallery Girls Mondays at 10 EST on Bravo.