"Bachmann Pledges to Ban Pornography" screamed the headline that greeted me last Friday morning, breaking through the pre-coffee haze of my early morning routine. Given that I earn a living in the online porn business, it was news that caught my attention.
As it turns out, the pledge that Michele Bachmann signed says nothing whatsoever about 'banning' pornography, so the headline was a bit of a red herring. The intent of the pledge was clear, however; signatories to it were promising to adhere to an ideological and public policy agenda that comes straight from the pulpit of the Religious Right.
What struck me wasn't the philosophical or sociopolitical bent that the pledge reflected, though, so much as its sheer impracticality with respect to the fidelity and prudence it demands of its signatories. This is the United States in the year 2011, after all; given the recent history of indiscretions by politicians of all stripes, do we really expect our elected representatives to be faithful to their spouses, and to avoid all manner of sexual scandal?
With that question in mind, I took the liberty of preparing the pledge below, the signing of which would certainly garner the support of our company, and which I think we can all agree is more appropriate to the curious animal that is the Modern American Politician.
The Pink Visual Pledge for Public Officials, Politicians and Other Manner of Socio-Cultural Parasite
The undersigned, ______________________ hereby avers the following:
Should I have the honor of serving the American people in any elected, nominated or appointed capacity, I hereby vow to conduct myself with honor, integrity and forthrightness, in word and deed, as follows:
- I vow that if at any time I tweet pictures of my penis to Twitter followers, intentionally or otherwise, I will admit to my actions immediately and not waste the American public's time with fanciful claims that my account has been hacked, or other similar forms of pungent bovine excrement.
- I hereby aver that if I divorce my wife on her deathbed, I will subsequently surrender any claim to being a "family values candidate."
- I hereby promise that if I have sex with one of my interns, he/she will at least be vaguely attractive -- if not physically, then in terms of his/her personality.
- I swear that if I am caught soliciting anonymous gay sex in an airport bathroom, I will come out of the freakin' closet already, and stop insulting the collective intelligence of all living creatures by spouting inane comments like "I have never lived the gay lifestyle."
- I hereby pledge that if it comes to light that I have been sending sexually explicit messages to teenagers, I will take responsibility for my actions, and not place blame for my reprehensible behavior on an addiction to alcohol, oxycodone, pornography or the Disney Channel.
- I hereby vow that if it is revealed that I have been frequenting prostitutes, I will not force my spouse to accompany me to the press conference at which I issue my pathetic, tearful public mea culpa.
- Should I ever disappear for a week while cavorting around Argentina with a secret lover, I promise I will simply stay 'missing' rather than come back and hold a rambling, humiliating mess of a press conference.
In addition to the above I, the undersigned, do hereby vow to lighten the hell up where the sexual misadventures of my fellow human beings are concerned, and not treat the squalid details of my peers' sex scandals as though those scandals are The End of the World as We Know It, so that the legislative/administrative/professional body that I am a part of can focus on getting some actual work done for a change.
Name Candidacy, Title, Affiliation or Turn-Ons Date