"Bachmann Pledges to Ban Pornography" screamed the headline that greeted me last Friday morning, breaking through the pre-coffee haze of my early morning routine. Given that I earn a living in the online porn business, it was news that caught my attention.
As it turns out, the pledge that Michele Bachmann signed says nothing whatsoever about 'banning' pornography, so the headline was a bit of a red herring. The intent of the pledge was clear, however; signatories to it were promising to adhere to an ideological and public policy agenda that comes straight from the pulpit of the Religious Right.
What struck me wasn't the philosophical or sociopolitical bent that the pledge reflected, though, so much as its sheer impracticality with respect to the fidelity and prudence it demands of its signatories. This is the United States in the year 2011, after all; given the recent history of indiscretions by politicians of all stripes, do we really expect our elected representatives to be faithful to their spouses, and to avoid all manner of sexual scandal?
With that question in mind, I took the liberty of preparing the pledge below, the signing of which would certainly garner the support of our company, and which I think we can all agree is more appropriate to the curious animal that is the Modern American Politician.
The Pink Visual Pledge for Public Officials, Politicians and Other Manner of Socio-Cultural Parasite
The undersigned, ______________________ hereby avers the following:
Should I have the honor of serving the American people in any elected, nominated or appointed capacity, I hereby vow to conduct myself with honor, integrity and forthrightness, in word and deed, as follows:
- I vow that if at any time I tweet pictures of my penis to Twitter followers, intentionally or otherwise, I will admit to my actions immediately and not waste the American public's time with fanciful claims that my account has been hacked, or other similar forms of pungent bovine excrement.
In addition to the above I, the undersigned, do hereby vow to lighten the hell up where the sexual misadventures of my fellow human beings are concerned, and not treat the squalid details of my peers' sex scandals as though those scandals are The End of the World as We Know It, so that the legislative/administrative/professional body that I am a part of can focus on getting some actual work done for a change.
Name Candidacy, Title, Affiliation or Turn-Ons Date
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