Is athletic competition good for children if you know there is a good chance they won't do particularly well?: originally appeared on Quora: The best answer to any question. Ask a question, get a great answer. Learn from experts and access insider knowledge. You can follow Quora on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+.
Answer by Ken Miyamoto, Father of two boys, Youth Coach
Children learn more from their "failures," losses, and shortcomings than they ever will from success.
Let's start with a little context.
I have two boys. Both are in sports at a young age level (ten and six).
My oldest competed in Tae Kwon Do tournaments in the past (won some trophies) and now is focused on basketball, soccer, and baseball. His choices, not ours, which is how it should be. I'll focus on him because at this age, the sports have gotten more competitive, as opposed to my youngest's sports, which are more about skill fundamental building (they don't keep score yet in his youth basketball and coach pitch baseball).
So, about my oldest boy, who is ten.
Basketball
He's not a natural athlete like some of the other boys. He's one of the smallest on the team and is still learning the fundamental skills of the game. He only made a few baskets last season.
However, each of those baskets drove his teammates, coaches, and all of the parents (especially us) utterly wild!
There's joy in that. It really depends on how you look at it. Do you want your kid to experience nothing more than success? Well, you're setting them up for a very disappointing life experience then.
Children learn more from their "failures," losses, and shortcomings than they ever will from success.
Baseball
This was his first year in competitive baseball. I coached him through tee-ball and coach pitch. He liked it just fine but passed on machine pitch and passed on the first year of competitive baseball until he finally decided to check it out.
Again, in this sport, he isn't a natural like some of the other boys. He's one of the smallest on the team and is still, again, learning the fundamentals of the game. He only had a few hits throughout the whole season, two of which were either caught or thrown to first for the out. The other two got him on base, but he was thrown out at second. The few walks he had, he only got to achieve a scoring run half of the time.
Some would consider that a failure of a season from an individual standpoint.
However, each hit (out or not), each walk (eventually out or not), and each base passed drove his teammates, coaches, and all of the parents (especially us) into big claps and cheers of support!
And they brought so much joy to him. Just connecting bat to ball with a nostalgic crack was a thrill for him. Getting on base was a thrill for him.
I'll admit, those first couple of no hit games were hard. He cried after every strike out until I finally said, "Do you love the game? It's not about hits. It's not about home runs. It's about being on that field with your friends, cheering them on, and having fun. If you don't want that, you're missing out."
I then told him, "Hope for a hit, but don't expect it. This was your first year. You're learning. Believe you can do it and when it does happen, it'll be even better than hitting a home run each and every time."
From that pep talk on, he was all smiles and never cried again.
Children learn more from their "failures," losses, and shortcomings than they ever will from success.
Soccer
This was more of a sport for him. He's fast. He's learning. And he can score goals. There were two different times when he had a dry spell of scoring until his grandparents showed up from out of town to watch and he then scored three goals each time. Joy. Pure joy. Again, from his teammates, from his coaches, and from all of the parents (especially us). Those goals meant more that day and beyond. They meant a hell of a lot more than the ones scored by the elite natural players that score every game.
Children learn more from their "failures," losses, and shortcomings than they ever will from success.
Now, let me offer you the flip side of his experience in sports to give this some balance.
I'll give you two polar opposite examples here.
Flag Football
This was a few years back. He had never really played a lot of football and didn't understand the game as much. This was the case for most in the second grade at that time.
I coached his team, along with a friend. From a sport perspective, it was a disaster. We played in a league that was unfairly matched. Most teams had been playing together for a couple of years, despite the fact that the rules stated that there be no carry over teams. It was corrupt in that respect. Favoritism.
Our team was comprised of newcomers that had never played the sport, let alone together.
If memory serves, we didn't get a first down until a few games in. We lost and lost and lost. We faced teams that didn't play by the rules (they blocked and hit). These poor boys tried and tried, but just couldn't bring it together.
But boy did they learn some amazing life lessons. Necessary ones. Lessons about failure and how to handle it. Lessons about making the best of a less than stellar situation. Lessons about code of conduct, following the rules despite no one else doing so, integrity, perseverance, etc. And you can bet that when they finally DID get a first down, a big run, and even later a touchdown, those moments were much, much, sweeter compared to the stacked teams that were scoring forty plus points with ease.
Children learn more from their "failures," losses, and shortcomings than they ever will from success.
And finally...
Tae Kwon Do
My son started when he was four and went on until he was seven. We both practiced under traditional Tae Kwon Do, as opposed to many of the American franchises of late (no disrespect at all... it's just a different experience). Belts were even more hard earned.
For competition, my son was didn't like to get hit that much at first. Those head shots that happen all too often rattle anyone, no matter what their age. However, being so young, he was in a division where he only had maybe one other competitor. Two others tops.
With each of the few tournaments he attended, he easily won the sparring matches and even the patterns. He came home with first place trophies every tournament.
However, he grew tired with it quickly and by the last couple of tournaments, he expected to win and took little to no lasting joy. He even said to me, "Daddy, there was only one other kid. Even if I lost I would have gotten a second place trophy."
Children learn more from their "failures," losses, and shortcomings than they ever will from success.
Point being to all of this is that competitive sports isn't about the pursuit of just winning. It's everything that builds to that (or doesn't) that matters.
- Working in a team atmosphere, or...
- ... handling individual pressure with everything on your shoulders
- Handling rejection
- Handling loss
- Handling the pressure of winning
- Handling the pressure of breaking that winning record
- Handling the pressure of breaking that losing streak
- Learning how to take direction from coaches
- Learning how to apply what you have learned
- Learning how to focus on any given task at hand
- Learning about friendship and thinking of others as you cheer them on
- Learning how to appreciate others supporting you and cheering YOU on
- Integrity
- Perseverance
- Self Control
- Indomitable Spirit
- Courtesy
All of these and many more are life lessons that competitive sports teach, either directly or indirectly.
Too many parents these days overload their children with expectations in sports. They either think that they can make their kids into prodigy stars or are trying to live vicariously through them. They want them to succeed. They want them to win. Anything else is a waste of time and money.
That's not the way to cultivate your kids. How many times have we seen those types of children break down when things don't go their way? How many times have we seen their parents screaming at them or at the coaches or at the refs or at the umps or at the opposing team as their children look on with either embarrassment or entitlement?
That's not the way to cultivate your kids.
Success shouldn't define the experience for them or for you as parents.
Success should be hoped for, but not expected.
The point of it all should be a combination of joy for the sport, joy for the camaraderie, joy for the challenge, joy for the fun, joy for the smell of the field grass or dust, etc.
Children learn more from their "failures," losses, and shortcomings than they ever will from success.