How Could One Defeat a Monster Composed Entirely of Candy?

09/24/2012 01:04 pm ET | Updated Nov 23, 2012

This question originally appeared on Quora.
By Mark Hughes, screenwriter and Forbes blogger

If it were in a cartoon/story like Monsters, Inc., I'd get a caulk gun ...

...and load it with a honey bear...

...and shoot it toward an ant hill... get the attention of an army of ants...

(via Flicker user Fredric.Salein)

...and fire a long line of delicious sticky honey across the ground...

...and finally blast the candy-containing monster to cover him with honey! The honey will help stick him in place, too, so the ants can easily get him when they follow the trail of honey leading to the monster, and they'll then send for reinforcements to gobble up and take all the candy inside him.

Now, if I were portraying this in a cartoon, I'd use the honey-shooting gun to get the ants' attention, and they'd be "army ants" with little helmets, and the sight of the trail of honey would cause a scout to blow a whistle bringing the other ants running. Then, as they see the huge honey-covered monster, they'd call for reinforcements, and the ant hill would disperse a massive crowd of ants blowing bugles as they charge the monster.

The monster, seeing the arriving army of ants, would try to run away, obviously, but he's covered in honey so his feet would stick as he tried to run, so he's moving slow and funny, and the ants catch up. Then, as they swarm all over him to get the honey, the army ants would stop and sniff the air, sniff his breath, and realize there's candy inside the monster -- and in a frenzy, they'd rush into his mouth and he'd grow bigger and fatter as the army of ants fill him up. Then he'd get skinnier and skinnier as they run back out his mouth cheering with the candy held up over their heads.

At last, the monster would be skinny and tiny, no longer a big, intimidating, scary-sized monster. He'd chuckle nervously at his new svelte, non-threatening self, and then we'd hear a buzzzzz... and in the distance to the musical accompaniment of Ride of the Valkyries comes...

...and the still-honey-covered small monster would see this, panic and scream, and run off in the other direction as a swarm of excited bees go flying after him, into the sunset...

This is a fool-proof plan.

More questions on Hypothetical Battles: