Are western parents doing kids a disservice by giving in to all whims? originally appeared on Quora - the knowledge sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights.
Answer by Andrew Weill, father of three grown children, on Quora:
Judging something as a "whim" is often a misperception. Children are not always facile with their language, and sometimes parents or adults interpret a communication with a negative judgment that on examination turns out to be inappropriate.
As a young child, I screamed whenever a shoe salesman approached me. Was I being whimsical? Willful? A "bad" child? No, I was a fearful child. I associated "person wearing a white coat" with "doctor who will stick a needle into me." (I had several childhood illnesses and apparently had numerous injections; I have no conscious memory of this.) The salesmen at the shoe store we went to all wore white coats. My young brain processed a white coat as a threat of pain, and reacted accordingly.
I wasn't bullying my parents; I was expressing my fear.
This was overcome when my parents figured out what was going on and explained the misunderstanding to me.
I've raised three kids. At various times, each kid in his or her own way has engaged in behaviors that were problematic. We weren't perfect, but by and large we tried to understand the issue, and then deal with it in a natural and respectful way and with consideration of the needs of all concerned.
For example, my younger son was a very picky eater. But he was a good sport, and he wouldn't mind going to a different place if we were doing our best to cater to his preferences. I believe that our negotiated outcome had a better result than an authoritarian approach would have. Perhaps someone else would have perceived this as us "submitting when he threw a fit," but I think that would be incorrect. He certainly did not grow into a selfish adult; instead, he has worked in youth camps with remarkable patience and communication skills with developmentally disabled children. He's one of the most considerate and kind people I know (although he gets that naturally from his mother).
I think that wise parents learn which battles are worth fighting and which ones are not, and even better, they try to avoid battles as much as possible. The so-called "fits" are often great opportunities for real communication about needs and feelings, and chances to build trust and confidence. All my kids had their stormy episodes, learned to master them with some assistance from us, and are now mature, caring adults.
This question originally appeared on Quora - the knowledge sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights. You can follow Quora on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+.