Learning to Say No

How Do I Learn To Say No? originally appeared on Quora: The best answer to any question.

Answer by Evan Asano, Founder and CEO of Mediakix, a leading influencer marketing company, Quora.

First, understand why you say yes. Most of us say yes because we want to be the good guy (or girl), we don't want to let friends, family, coworkers and others down; we feel a social obligation; we assume it will be reciprocated; and often because subconsciously we want to be liked.

The default is to say yes or to find a way to say yes, accommodating others and their requests.

Scientists have speculated that one of the reasons peer pressure is so effective is because it's an evolutionary mechanism that developed to keep people from separating out of the group where they were more at risk and vulnerable. So it's not unreasonable that saying yes (cooperation) may have evolved in us similarly.

You can start to see why it's so hard to say no. Saying yes creates agreement with your subconscious (or conscious) needs. We need to say yes to assuage these needs or risk cognitive dissonance that create undesirable or negative feelings, often, the label of being selfish. When we say yes we can be liked, look generous, be a good friend, be a team player, etc.

But what's the real cost? When you say yes, you are in essence putting others and their wants and needs before yours. At worst, you are giving away one of your most precious resources: your time.

So if your goals, time and work aren't valuable, go on and say yes.

If you find value in any of these, learn to say no.

Start by making "no" the default. It's always no, unless there is an exceptional case for someone close.

Understand that by saying yes, you are saying no to one of your needs, wants, or goals.

Practice with a few standard lines. Something simple, general and consistent, "I'm sorry I'm not able to do so." Don't feel the need to explain yourself further. Just leave it at that.

Read, "Essentialism," an exceptional broader treatment of focusing on your core goals, avoiding non essential tasks and saying no when necessary.

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