As parents, what is it like to have an open adoption with your child's birth parents? originally appeared on Quora - the knowledge sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights.
Answer by Marcia Peterson Buckie, adoptive mom, open adoption, on Quora.
It's mostly positive.
We chose this route and consider it a parenting decision. My husband and I know many adoptive parents, and many don't believe our path is right, or right for them.
However, we knew several adult adoptees and read a lot and attended support groups. Our takeaway, as well the influence on our individual adoption situation, was this was the right way for us and the type of life we wanted to give our child.
We met our daughters birthmother when she was six months pregnant. She had asked to meet us after looking through scrapbooks that we and other prospective adoptive parents had prepared. She told us that she had made the decision to place her baby for adoption, but our social worker advised us that there are legal windows after birth that the first mother (and father, if involved) can still change their mind, and we were prepared for that.
The tough stuff so far:
1) Being at the hospital when our daughters birth mom left.
2) Being witness to some of her grief.
3) Some people say really weird or hurtful things about women who place their children for adoption. This hurts in a primal way, because my daughter's birthmom is family to me.
4) Our daughter's birth father is not involved at this point. So my husband hasn't really dealt with having the first dad talked about.
5) The adoption process triggered some feelings I had about infertility and loss.
6) Cliche alert: a year after the adoption, after ten years of infertility, I got pregnant. Unplanned. Having one child by adoption and one by birth does add another layer of complexity, especially when my daughter doesn't get what she wants.
The good/ positive:
1) My daughter has a positive frame of reference about her birth family (maternal); there is little mystery. No fantasizing that her birth parents are Sonny and Cher or nightmares that they are Bonnie and Clyde
2) My daughter's maternal grandmother is Mexican, and according to her, possibly part Blackfoot Indian. My daughter knows a fair amount about her birth ancestry/ ethnicity. My husband is Scottish, and my biological grandfather was from Ireland, and her birth grandfather is Irish. So our entire family has Celtic heritage in common.
3) We can answer many of our daughter's questions.
4) She does not see her birth family as a separate life: they are part of our extended family and she has affirmation that her place in our family is forever (even on the days she wants a different one).
3) We don't have the sense that there is a mystery birth mom hiding in the bushes with binoculars.
4) We are confident that the adoption was handled ethically and without coercion.
5) My daughter gets to see her birth mom a couple times a year, and emails / phone calls -- she sees her as a full human being: neither sinner nor saint. (I think often birth mothers are portrayed in adoption lore as mythical figures; angels or villains.)
6) My daughter has lots of people who love her.