The Allure of Narcissistic Spirituality

Several months ago, my wife and I attended a prayer service at a synagogue that is well known for its spiritual, and spirited, approach. As we entered, the rabbi was leading a meditation. "Close your eyes and breathe in the peace of Shabbat [the Sabbath]." she said. "And on the out-breathe imagine that you are sending healing love to all beings." We passed a man who appeared to be deep in meditation. His eyes were closed, and through a slightly opened smile he slowly breathed in and out. As we moved to our seats, I accidentally stepped on his toe. He quickly turned toward me; his smile vanished and he angrily hissed, "Hey, watch it, buddy!"

In the irony of a person being angry at a stranger for accidentally interrupting his meditation about universal, unconditional love, this man demonstrated the disturbing, alluring and all-too common phenomenon of "spiritual narcissism."

To understand spiritual narcissism we must first understand the word "spirituality." My acting definition is, "The experience of a transformative connection." In other words, spirituality is experienced -- it is not a concept or construct. It transforms us. It changes how we act, think and feel in all environments. And it is a connection -- a profound contact with something and someone outside of our selves.

All three of these components are needed in order for spirituality to occur, but the most essential is that it be a connection -- between a person and the Divine, or between one person and another. Spiritual practices are designed to facilitate these connections, and begin with the knowledge that we have two selves: an ego-self and a true-Self. The ego-self is built on our strategy for ensuring that we are physically safe, stemming from our interpretation of the experiences of our lives (primarily our childhood) in which we determined what was required in order to survive. The ego-self may need to impress, dominate or control and sees others as either threats or tools. There is nothing inherently wrong with the ego-self; it is a necessary structure put in place so that we can survive in physical reality. But it is not who we really are, and we can not make a spiritual connection from it. Our true-Self, however, which is often referred to as our soul, contains the very purpose that we incarnated, and is in constant connection with Spirit/Consciousness/Creation/God. It sees others as fellow souls with equally needed purposes, and has compassion for the suffering that comes from the ego-self's attachment to things.

Spiritual practices help us to loosen the grip of the ego-self and to connect to the true-Self, so that we can live purposefully, be of service and participate in love. The central Biblical injunction to "Love your neighbor as yourself" is usually interpreted to mean that we must learn to love others, with the assumption that we already love ourselves. Literally translated, though, this line actually reads, "And you will [in the future tense] love your fellow in the same way that you love yourself." In other words, we will love another to the extent and in the way that we love ourselves. If you are harsh with yourself, you will be harsh with others. If you can not forgive yourself, you can not forgive others. In this way, this line is not a commandment, but is a statement of fact. The truth is that most of us do not love ourselves very well, and consequently we hurt others. This is why spiritual practices so often seek to teach us how to love ourselves, so that we can better love others. Real love naturally flows in two directions.

Spiritual practices becomes narcissistic, though, when the ego-self hijacks the process and assumes that it is the object of self love, becoming enamored of looking in the mirror and claiming that its reflection is the true-Self. Then we loose our way, forgetting that the purpose of learning to love ourselves is to become more open, kind and effective in interactions with others, and instead of opening our hearts with humility and compassion, we assume a position of superiority -- exactly what the ego desires for its safety. Spiritual narcissism sees self-love as the end goal. Spirituality to the ego-self is an object of attainment, much like fame, wealth, an expensive car and a sexy body.

Spiritual narcissism creates the pretense of holiness as an ego strategy to mask insecurity, receive approval, or avoid struggle and growth. "I'm a spiritual person" it proclaims proudly. "I travel to alternate realities, see auras, heal chakras, predict the future, talk to spirits, commune with angels, manipulate energies, meditate for three hours a day, harness the powers of the Universe to attract success. ... The truth is that I'm more evolved than you!" Deep spirituality makes us more sensitive to the feeling of others, encouraging an open stance of courage where we can drop our protective shields and accept the vulnerability to be seen as we are. Narcissistic sensitivity, however, is focused solely on the subtle nuances one's own internality, and resists looking at hard, uncomfortable truths that may upset the self image. One who is narcissistically sensitive is easily offended by the "coarseness" of others, seeks to make his environment change to align with the contours of his needs, and gets angry or offended when this does not happen.

At a seven-day spiritual silent meditation retreat that I recently attended, devoted to nourishing equanimity, attendees routinely wrote messages to the retreat leaders with complaints about others: one attendee complained that two days of progress was "ruined" by another attendee, who sent a note with the words "I love you," and another complained about someone who was walking too loudly on the leaves outdoors. And the leaders publicly scolded an individual who broke the rules by reading a book in public (in Jewish tradition, embarrassing someone in public is considered a very destructive and violent act, and is strictly forbidden). While complaining about others and shaming a rule-breaker at an event intended to teach equanimity is -- like the story in the beginning of this blog -- ironic, it teaches an important warning: The desire to control others in order to create a "perfect" environment that nurtures our sensitivities is a calling card of spiritual narcissism. It is not a spiritual feat to feel equanimity only when everything is going exactly as one would like. True spirituality takes place in the holy messiness of the world, in open-hearted relationship with others, and in a kind smile to one who accidentally stepped on your foot. In that moment of connection, one can clearly see that the annoyances and upsets are actually wake up calls pulling us out of our self-involvement and in to relationship.

The holiest prayer in the Jewish prayer book is the Amidah -- the "standing" prayer -- in which we are in soul connection to God, so that we can praise our Creator for the beauty and bounty of the world, ask for peace, health and understanding and express gratitude for our lives. What is surprising to many is that most of these prayers are in the plural form; we do not pray alone and for ourselves, but for everyone. In this prayer are words that are, for me, the summation of an antidote to the lure of narcissism: "Purify our hearts to be of service in truth." With this one powerful sentence we yearn to move beyond our ego-selves, and to know our true-Selves so that we can be a blessing to others. This is why Judaism teaches us to focus on acts of kindness: inviting someone to your house for lunch, treating a stranger with kindness and giving money to charity are the highest levels of spirituality.

Spiritual narcissism can be very appealing. I know because I also feel the tug, and too often succumb. But once we see how we are tempted to use the guise of spirituality to shield us from criticism, impress others and make us feel wise, its appeal begins to loosen, and we even find the humor in this upside-down dynamic. Then, we slowly see this as an all-too-human inclination, and as we forgive it in ourselves we can forgive it in others, knowing that we are fellow suffering, struggling, holy beings. As Martin Buber, author of I and Thou wrote, "When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them."

 

 

 

Comments

[Godheard SentU]

11:46 PM on 01/12/2011

"As we moved to our seats, I accidentally stepped on his toe. He quickly turned toward me; his smile vanished and he angrily hissed, "Hey, watch it, buddy!"

"And the leaders publicly scolded an individual who broke the rules by reading a book in public (in Jewish tradition, embarrassing someone in public is considered a very destructive and violent act, and is strictly forbidden). While complaining about others and shaming a rule-breaker at an event intended to teach equanimity is -- like the story in the beginning of this blog -- ironic,"

Husband; "Honey, your not going to believe this, remember that guy that stepped on my foot last week?
He's attacking me online. He's calling me "Spiritually narcissistic". Everyone is going to think i'm crazy"

Seriously' How are these two examples different?

[Alan Lurie]

09:58 AM on 01/13/2011

Dear Godheard,
Several people have written in with a similar vein, and I do see what you're saying and take it to heart. A few comments:
1. No one reading this blog could ever possibly know who this person is, (not even the person) as I was careful to ensure that this was so in several ways that I can not describe here, whereas everyone in the room know who the "offender" at the retreat was.
2. This is not meant to be an attack, but an exploration of something that I also admitted to succumbing to. If someone stepped on my toe as I was meditating I would be annoyed as well. But there is a dissonance between this reaction and the intent of the meditation, which is meant to make us more conscious of our automatic responses and to see others in love and compassion (and I do see this man with love and compassion as a fellow struggler and seeker).
3. I'm seriously disturbed that some saw this as an attack on this man, or on meditation, Eastern traditions, New Age practices, or as a way to put one tradition over another. The intent was to point out something that anyone in a spiritual path can succumb to, - and I have learned to be more careful about my tone and content in the future.
Thanks again for your input.
Wishing you well,
Alan

[SurreyTaiChi]

06:53 AM on 01/11/2011

the principal caution expressed in your article is well taken. however, i don't think anger and, yes, even selfishness renders true spirituality impossible. though some aspire to godhood, most of us remain wholly, no pun intended, human - thankfully. honest expressions of anger, frustration, upset are not necessarily clues to spiritual narcissm. your reaction to the meditator's reaction - particularly as a religious leader - is no more informed or spiritual than his own. perhaps you were careless, inattentive. perhaps his annoyance or anger should be looked upon as a gift, incitement to be more careful, more aware. when i'm driving a car and lose concentration, i have actually come to appreciate the angry horn or verbal scolding that brings me back to the present. most religious traditions have their share of parables, describing the achieved prophet or spiritual leader in moments of very human anger. it is somewhat ironic to me, that most churches and synagogues could be accused of spiritual narcissism as its been defined in your piece. why the need for a special building, why the need for silence, candles, atmosphere? how would the rabbi, priest, congregation respond if someone burst into their space banging drums and otherwise creating a disturbance? i daresay a great many leader and congregant would be more than a little angry. it seems to me, spiritual growth won't occur without some measure of selfishness, that is, self awareness - its more, shall we say, politically correct term. peace.

[Carolom]

08:21 PM on 01/10/2011

Alan how do you know that the focus and intent of his meditation in that moment was not equally as real and pointed as his response to unexpected pain and disturbance?

Perhaps what you have labelled as Spiritual narcissism is simply the road some souls are currently traveling in a world that is hugely demanding on all levels like never before?
In essence you are saying that because this man, who was in a particular state of meditating on breathing Love did not conduct himself in an acceptable manner when his trance was broken by pain, he is a narcissist.

I celebrate that he turned up to contribute to Love, as flawed and as questionable as he might be.
How do you know you are not making judgements on a man who was abused and had pain inflicted on him in childhood and is still struggling with his triggered responses that are activated by pain or a sudden disturbance?

Or that by the grace of his own God he has been lead to that place of worship in order to learn and become more fully rounded and at peace.

So what if people are complaining and writing note to the teacher on retreat? Doesn't that mean that there is a profound opportunity to take this to a Talking Circle and honour their stage of emotional / Spiritual maturity rather than complain about them in such a high profile way?

[Alan Lurie]

10:30 AM on 01/11/2011

Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
I did not intent to judge or condemn anyone, and the example at the beginning is really meant to be a quick snap shot. Of course the reality is much, much more complex and nuanced. I also did not intent this as a complaint, but as an exploration of a very human dynamic that, I think, we all feel at one time or another. If someone stepped on my toe as I was trying to meditate I would, most likely, be annoyed as well. The point of the blog is not to label and judge this reaction, or anyone, but to simply notice that spiritual practices are intended to help us become more aware of our unconscious reactions, to see others as fellow struggling, divine beings, and to respond in love (which doesn't meant that it's OK to step on someone's toe, and I learned to be more careful). I think that you would agree that to send notes complaining that someone is interrupting your attempt to find equanimity is, at least, an interesting dynamic. It is also a level of development. To notice something, give it a name and describe its qualities is not the same as judging and complaining, and I hope that my blog did not convey a tone of complaint. It was meant to be helpful. Of course I may have missed the mark, and take your comments very much to heart.
Wishing you well,
Alan

[Carolom]

06:41 PM on 01/11/2011

Thanks for your reply Alan.
Your original words:..." alluring & all-too common phenomenon of
"spiritual narcissism."

Narcissism is a very pointed label you have given people, strangers to you, who are all evolving in their own way & in perfect timing for them in their infinite journey of Soul and I did find the term very judgmental Alan.

I work in homeless shelters and over the years have seen the impact on individuals when sweeping terms like "spiritual narcissism" are developed in order to define other peoples versions of anothers actions & perceived level -or lack - of 'spirituality' that drives them.

The man you have cited as an example was in Church, he obviously was there because he was connecting with or expressing his relationship with the Divine.
Your example of how he is a 'spiritual narcissist" could just as easily been "in the midst of his training" or "expressing love but still struggling with wounded self"...

Re:
"Spiritual practices help us to loosen the grip of the ego-self and to connect to the true-Self, so that we can live purposefully, be of service & participate in love."...

Wasn't he in the midst of a Spiritual practice? Is it possible that you standing on his foot was Gods way of giving the man an opportunity to activate an old trigger, bring it up in order to take it to the light of self reflection that may happen later?
Equally as possible a scenario as 'narcissim'.

[tankafan]

03:49 PM on 01/10/2011

We often believe that it is easier and more important to be holy than to be kind. This includes the moments when we talk about "justice" in ways that exclude ouselves. Thank you for putting a name on this belief.

[bokononsmoothie]

01:59 PM on 01/10/2011

Excellent blog, thanks so much for sharing. I truly appreciate your admission in the last paragraph that you yourself fall short of the ideal and engage in "spiritual narcissism" on occasion.

+1 to any religious person who admits fallibility. It's hard enough trying to live a good life without your "betters" beating you over the head with their "betterness", rather than offering words of wisdom and understanding.

[Alan Lurie]

04:34 PM on 01/10/2011

Thanks,
Harold Kushner wrote that the two most 'spiritual' things we can say are:
I don't know.
I was wrong.

Wishing you well,
Alan

[Godheard SentU]

12:01 AM on 01/11/2011

Are you familiar with the book "A Course in Miracles?"

[Mark Goulston, M.D.]

12:44 PM on 01/10/2011

Alan, One of your best blogs so far. Thank you for sharing this and your astute observations and insights.

[Alan Lurie]

03:43 PM on 01/11/2011

Thanks Mark,
great to hear from you, my friend!
Wishing you well,
Alan

[astclaire]

04:46 AM on 01/09/2011

Perfection, sir. Absolute perfection. The sum total of everything I've been struggling with and watched others struggle with as well. Thank you.

[Alan Lurie]

09:25 AM on 01/10/2011

thank you for your kind and encouraging comment.
Wishing you well,
Alan

[Weirdwriter]

12:48 AM on 01/09/2011

The narcissists I've run into invariably tell me they're spiritual, NOT religious, in a certain tone reminiscent of the "Absolutely Fabulous" episode in which the Edie character says into the phone, "I'm chanting as we speak!"

Never could come with an answer for that one."Good for you?" dunno...

[Ronald B. Robinson]

12:01 AM on 01/09/2011

Seems like I accidentally "stepped on some toes" with my attempts to make good on Marianne Williamson insights regarding the "New Age Spirituality" communities and "self-empowerment" forums. She said that their dark side is their unwillingness to look at their own dark side. You can see why so few actually look at it and speak publicly about it. As soon as they do they get accused of being "fear based," "cynical," "totally wrong," "overly rational," etc. etc. etc.

In other words, the ideology of "unconditional love/acceptance" preached by the leaders and followers of this movement is withdrawn faster than you can say the word, "unconditional." And much like the person who angrily reproached Rabbi Alan for stepping on his toe during meditation, some avid practitioners of meditation and "unconditional love" have reacted similarly here when the dark side and narcissism of the new age/self-empowerment movement was discussed.

I apologize for stepping on anyone's toes. But I do think it's "high time" to take a close look at both the "high concepts" underlying the new age spiritual/self-empowement teachings as well as the teachers themselves. And then we could evaluate the teachers and teachings in relationship to their effectiveness in building truly relational, pro-social communities based on our neurobiological interconnectedness. To me this could best be done by embracing the ethic articulated by African religious scholar, John Mbiti:

"I am because WE are, and since WE are, therefore I am." Hotep Y'all :)

[Alan Lurie]

09:13 AM on 01/09/2011

Yes, we are called to meditate deeply on the things that provoke us, not things that make us feel good. In exploring our annoyances we encounter our shadow, which covers the things that we dislike most about oursleves and that are most in conflict with the image that we want to project. Hidden in the shadow (or in the depth of the cover) we can discover incredible strengths, and begin to find wholeness and forgiveness.
Far too many spiritual practices that I've experienced simply deepen and darken our shadows, instead of shining the honest light of Spirit.

[Ronald B. Robinson]

01:08 PM on 01/09/2011

Thank you Rabbi Alan. I appreciate the insights in your above response and concur. And thank you again for your courage in plumbing the depths of our "spiritual covers." I too have observed too much of the deepening and darkening of our shadows in the spiritual practices and self-empowerment philosophies I alluded to.

As a Jesuit trained Catholic, I am also aware of the long, deep, dark shadows cast by the Catholic Church, and pervade its leadership to this day. I am also aware of how mainstream Christianity has been hijacked by rightwing political partisans. These psuedo-Christians identify far too closely with the stone age hatefulness exemplified in the Old Testament Book of Leviticus than they do the New Covenant brought by Jesus, best exemplified in His "Sermon on the Mount" or the "Beatitudes."

I wrote an article for Huffington Post back in April entitled, "Heaven to Earth: Obama is NOT the Antichrist," which explored the dark side of Christian Fundamentalism, and sadly seems quite prescient now giving the killings in Arizona yesterday.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ronald-b-robinson/heaven-to-earth-obama-is_b_522196.html

I believe religion and religious symbology is being deliberately used to foment extremist political behavior by the "Right," even murder, and that this is evidence of deeply narcissistic and sociopathic strains that have hijacked the public face of Christianity.

It's time we shine "the honest light of Spirit" as you say, especially given current political discourse & trends.

[americaforme]

10:16 PM on 01/08/2011

Narcissism is so popular as a word! I had the experience of some one comdeming someone who I indeed care about, " That person has narcissistic behavior" I remembered when I was so into self, and didn't know it, I could have claimed that big time.

If we have the grace to live a good number of years, spirituality leaps on us everywhere. I personally learned about kindness when I was fifty, it was not an experience that was natural. I had to fake it until I made it, or if you will act my way into being. What a wonderful time it was for me, a great gift of growing.

I realy enjoyed your post, and was mesmirised with your total out look. Thank you for being the person that you are.

[Godheard SentU]

11:48 PM on 01/08/2011

Hello, I'd like to recommend Marianne Williamson's book;
A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles".
http://www.marianne.com

Not sure but i think it was the first book listed on Oprah's "Book of the Month Club".

[merrymay]

03:24 PM on 01/08/2011

A masterpiece was written on this theme: "Frannie and Zooey" by J.D. Salinger. Since I can't begin to add to what's in the book, I'll bow out.

[Godheard SentU]

12:34 PM on 01/08/2011

re:"this man demonstrat­ed the disturbing­, alluring and all-too common phenomenon of "spiritual narcissism­. "maybe if he said "I'm perfect watch it" or "he was chanting I'm perfect during meditation­". Sounds more like he needs a little more meditating­. Be glad you didn't step on his toe a couple years ago, no telling what his reaction would have been. You might of judged him as "spirtuall­y psychotic".

[Larry Motuz]

11:41 AM on 01/08/2011

Rabbi: Please, please, please keep on writing. Your perspective is often heartwarming. Your distinction between the ego-self and the true self, in a spiritual context is illuminating. Your perspective that you can love others only insofar as you can love yourself, warts and all, is very true.

I am personally non-religious> I do believe, firmly, that the ego self does not and can not define our humanity::that comes through living together, our psychosocial:: nor limits our sense of good and evil to what the ego self sees as good or bad for-me.

Thanks. I usually find your writing touches me.

[Alan Lurie]

09:17 AM on 01/09/2011

thank you for your warm comments, Larry.
Knowing that my writing is helpful keeps me going.
Wishing you well.
Alan

[bluaquarius]

11:39 AM on 01/08/2011

Spirituality is often described with the idea of connecting to a power/force/whatever outside ourself via some altered state of consciousness, usually in the form of a meditative state.

The truth however is that when we close our eyes and enter into internal silence, the only other person in there with us is... us! Thus our meditative state is no more than a conference office for all the different aspects of ourselves and that is a VERY GOOD THING.

We do not listen to ourselves often enough as we are distracted continuously by our external world. We do not hear our internal voices warning us and encouraging us. We mistake this inner ability for the spirit of GOD talking to us. That is why so many wackjobs do wackjob things in the name of God. They mis-lable their inner wackjobness for THEE Wackjob.

There may be a God, but I am fairly certain that if there is, the deity is busy doing more important things. Or maybe he's busy having sex with a beautiful woman. (He is God you know. What would you be doing for eternity if you could???)

I like John Constatine's description in the movie "Constatine": "God is a kid with an ant farm lady. He's not planning anything."

[Elena Brower]

04:25 AM on 01/08/2011

Two golden distinctions in this piece on my first read: "The truth is that most of us do not love ourselves very well, and consequently we hurt others. This is why spiritual practices so often seek to teach us how to love ourselves, so that we can better love others." And "As Martin Buber, author of I and Thou wrote, 'When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.' " Thank you Rabbi for your writing.