The conversation is supposed to begin like this: "Will you forgive me for anything I might have said or done this year that has hurt you?" You are sitting with a friend over coffee, during the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and you ask this question. Not easy.
What if your friend responds, "What did you do or say?" Or what if your friend says, "You know, it did really hurt me when I found out that you shared that story that I had told you in confidence or ... didn't include me when you had that party or ... embarrassed me in front of so and so," etc. Not horrible sins, maybe, but the kind of interpersonal hurts that erode intimacy. Or maybe there are more serious breaches. Could you call the relative to whom you have stopped speaking over some long-ago insult and ask the same question? What kind of conversation would ensue? Or could you sit down with your partner -- or your kids or your parents -- and ask the same question?
Our tradition tells us: "For transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur serves as atonement. For transgressions between one person and another, Yom Kippur does not serve as atonement, until the one offended has been appeased." There are specific instructions. First, you have to acknowledge the hurt you did. Then, if the issue involves money, you have to pay back the money involved. Next, you have to resolve never to do it again. And finally, you have to discuss the issue with the one you have hurt and ask for forgiveness. This is teshuvah (repentance); this is the work of this season.
Asking for forgiveness is not easy. But it pales in comparison to how hard it is to forgive. Here Jewish tradition is also very clear: "If the person against whom one had sinned did not want to forgive, then one has to ask him/her for forgiveness in front of three of his/her friends. If s/he still didn't want to forgive, then one asks him/her in front of six, and then in front of nine of his/her friends, and if s/he still didn't want to forgive him/her, one leaves him/her and goes away. Anybody who does not want to forgive is a sinner."
That's pretty harsh. Aren't here some things that are unforgivable? Maybe it depends on what you mean by forgiveness.
Jewish tradition tells us there are three kinds of forgiveness, articulated by David Blumenthal in an article in Cross Currents magazine:
The most basic kind of forgiveness is "forgoing the other's indebtedness" (mechilá) after the offender has done teshuvah. This is not a reconciliation of heart. The crime remains; only the debt is forgiven. The second kind of forgiveness is "forgiveness" (selichá). It is an act of the heart. It is reaching a deeper understanding of the sinner. It is achieving empathy for the troubledness of the other. Selicha, too, is not a reconciliation or an embracing of the offender; it is simply reaching the conclusion that the offender, too, is human, frail and deserving of sympathy. It is closer to an act of mercy than to an act of grace. The third kind of forgiveness is "atonement" (kappará). This is a total wiping away of all sinfulness. It is an existential cleansing. Kappara is the ultimate form of forgiveness, but it is only granted by God...
So forgiveness ought to be given only if the offender has done the work necessary to change. But change is possible; people can learn from their mistakes. Notice that forgiveness doesn't mean everything goes back to the way it once was. It doesn't mean you have to invite the one who hurt you over for dinner. But it does mean that you can give up your victim status and go on with the rest of your life.
Every night, before we go to sleep, there is a prayer that is part of the bedtime Sh'ma:
I hereby forgive all who have hurt me, all who have done me wrong, deliberately or by accident, whether by word or by deed. May no one be punished on my account. As I forgive and pardon fully those who have done me wrong, may those whom I have harmed forgive and pardon me, whether I acted deliberately or by accident, whether by word or deed. Wipe away my sins, O Lord, with your great mercy. May I not repeat the wrongs I have committed. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to you, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Try saying this prayer before you go to sleep. Let me know how it feels. Some congregations end their Kol Nidre service with these words. Should we?
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The Jewish Ethicist Granting Forgiveness
Ask the Rabbi - Forgiveness in Judaism
It begins: If anyone has harmed me, intentionally or unintentionally, by word or deed, may I forgive them. You repeat at least 3 times and if possible think of specific people who have harmed you.
Next: If I have harmed anyone, intentionally or unintentionally, by word or deed, may I be forgiven. Again, repeat 3 times naming people you have harmed.
Last comes the hardest: If I have harmed myself, intentionally or unintentionally, by word or by deed, may I forgive myself. Repeat 3 times.
Now the main practice: We take a loved one and pray as follows" May (name) have happiness and the causes of happiness. May they be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May they never be parted from freedom's true joy. Again each line 3 times. We then offer the prayer for friends, then a neutral person like the postman or grocery store clerk. Then a person we consider an enemy.
The purpose is to open our hearts and minds to all beings everywhere. And to learn to let go of anger and disappointment.
Here’s a 5-step strategy that I've used to help accelerate the process of letting go:
1. Recall what happened; what was said, what you thought and how you felt. (write it down)
2. Step into the shoes of the other person involved (as difficult as that may be) and imagine how they felt and what they thought.
3. If you were to assume that they had a positive intention, what might it have been? (assume they meant no malice)
4. Identify all the reasons for not forgiving them and all the expectations you had of them that they didn’t fulfil.
5. For each reason you identify either address it or let go or quantify the cost to you of not letting go.
For me, Buddha sums it all up, ‘why carry the raft on your back once you have crossed the river.’
Great post, thanks you.
Regards
Aled
To get around this paradox I think that living is feeling emotions and not living, as a full human being, is blocking them off.
Therefore watching the pain, no matter how much your mind tries to wrap it up, move on from it, is living as a full human being.
It is also fascinating the observe how many techniques we have for suppressing, ignoring and avoiding pain.
alan
I'm a big fan of the Jewish notion of forgiveness. Much more amenable to responsibility than other notions that don't involve atonement or mutual agreement.
If one behaves towards a friend who has transgressed like they forgive them that counts a million times more than what that person's actual thoughts are about the transgressor.
I welcome your thoughts.
(Matthew 5:27-28) “You heard that it was said, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Indeed we can easily sin with our minds and our hearts. “The person faithful in what is least is faithful also in much,” declared the Son of God, “and the person unrighteous in what is least is unrighteous also in much.” (Luke 16:10) We need to examine our conduct in seemingly small matters of everyday life, even those taking place in the privacy of our home. (Psalm 101:2) “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate,” warned Jeremiah. (Jeremiah 17:9) This treachery of the heart may manifest itself when we make excuses for our errors, minimize shortcomings, rationalize away serious personality flaws, or exaggerate accomplishments. A desperate heart is also capable of taking on a two-sided posture - smooth lips saying one thing, actions saying another. (Psalm 12:2; Proverbs 23:7) How vital that we be honest as we examine what comes out of the heart!
Did you think of asking, out of genuine contrition, anyone who actually exists, for forgiveness?
This is one of the biggest reasons that I see that little fish symbol on a business sign or card as a major red flag. If the proprietor doesn't deliver on his/her end of the agreement, chances are they get to go to their imaginary friend Jesus for all the forgiveness they need. Meanwhile, I, as the customer, get stuck holding the bag.
My "fervent" hope is that the fish symbol be made mandatory as an identifying device, for all the fish people, so that others can factor "the fish thing" into their decision to deal with them or not.
Forgiveness becomes a huge and dramatic production when egos get in the way. People wait for apologies and, in turn, allow others to dictate the way that they feel. When you break it down, the process of forgiveness isn't that difficult - we just make it that way.
I'm not sure how to ask this question: would saying the prayer every night or after services take the power out of it? Like, would it lose it's meaning? (hope that makes sense)
I welcome your thoughts.