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Rabbi Sharon Cohen Anisfeld

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Numbers 16:1-18:32: Are Our Children Special? The Paradox Of Parenting

Posted: 06/20/2012 11:12 am

In the last few weeks, a new You Tube sensation has emerged. It is the recording of a high school commencement address -- now widely known as the "You're Not Special" speech.

The address was given by David McCullough, a beloved English teacher at a public high school in Wellesley, Massachusetts. Instead of the usual well-worn clichés, graduating seniors and their families heard these bracing words.

"Yes, you've been pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble-wrapped," he told graduating seniors. "Yes, capable adults with other things to do have held you, kissed you, fed you, wiped your mouth, wiped your bottom, trained you, taught you, tutored you, coached you, listened to you, counseled you, encouraged you, consoled you, and encouraged you again . . . But do not get the idea you're anything special. Because you're not."

So far, the video of the speech has been viewed more than a million times.

Viewers around the world have been captivated by this individual teacher's willingness to speak bluntly -- and indeed beautifully -- to privileged young people in one of the most affluent suburbs in the nation. "Resist the easy comforts of complacency, the specious glitter of materialism, the narcotic paralysis of self-satisfaction ... Be worthy of your advantages."

The message strikes a chord at a time when there is a lot of hand-wringing by parents and educators alike about whether we are over-praising and over-protecting our children. McCullough reminds us that we must not confuse a sense of entitlement with a sense of genuine self-esteem, that we cannot let easy accolades stand in for the satisfaction that comes from hard-earned achievement.

A similar message -- cast in religious terms -- is underscored by an ancient power struggle that is recorded in this week's Torah portion, Parashat Korach.

The portion tells the story of a revolt -- the most serious rebellion against Moses and Aaron as leaders of the Israelites during their years of wandering in the wilderness. The uprising is led by a man named Korach, about whom we know very little (except that he, like Moses and Aaron, comes from the tribe of Levi). But the text describes the essence of his protest in the openings verses of the portion.

"Now, Korach, son of Izhar son of Kohath son of Levi, betook himself, along with Dathan and Abiram sons of Eliab, and On son of Peleth - descendent of Reuben - to rise up against Moses, together with two hundred and fifty Israelites, chieftains of the community, chosen in the assembly, men of repute. They combined against Moses and Aaron and said to them, "You have gone too far! For all the community are holy, all of them, and the Lord is in their midst. Why then do you raise yourselves above the Lord's congregation?" [Numbers 16:1-4]

The uprising is ultimately a failure, and Korach and his followers are destroyed in a dramatic display of divine vengeance. But the original protest is preserved. And in fact, the rest of the story is unsettling precisely because Korach's argument seems so reasonable, even compelling, to our democratic, egalitarian ears.

What, then, was wrong with Korach's complaint? The Israeli scholar and social critic, Yeshayahu Leibowitz, offers an interpretation that resonates strikingly with the anti-entitlement message of David McCullough's "You're Not Special" speech.

According to Leibowitz, the problem with Korach's protest is that he treats holiness as a given rather than a goal, an assumption rather than an aspiration. "All the community are holy," says Korach, speaking in the present tense. No, Leibowitz argues, the people are not holy. Kedoshim tehiyu. "You shall become holy." The divine command to be holy is always addressed to us in the future tense. We are not there yet, and as soon as we think we are, we are in trouble.

For Leibowitz, Korach is dangerous because he offers a vision of religious life that is comforting, but ultimately leads to spiritual complacency and self-congratulation. Moses, in contrast, offers a vision of religious life that is arduous, but leads to spiritual responsibility and sacred aspiration. In Leibowitz's words, "Man is not intrinsically holy; his holiness is not already existing and realized in him. It is rather incumbent upon him to achieve it. But the task is eternal. It can never be fulfilled except through a never-ending effort."

***********

I went back and listened to the words of David McCullough's "You're Not Special" speech against the backdrop of Leibowitz's commentary on Korach. In different ways, both offer a compelling reminder that our children do not need our facile reassurance as much as they need us to nurture in them noble aspirations. They also need us to help them cultivate the humility to know they will never fully reach those aspirations, and the stamina to keep on trying.

At the same time, I knew something significant was missing for me in McCullough's message. I didn't realize exactly what it was until I came across another commentary on this week's Torah portion by the Hasidic master, Rabbi Yehudah Leib Alter of Ger, or the Sefat Emet.

The Sefat Emet also sees a flaw in Korach's complaint against Moses, and it is similar to the one that Leibowitz identifies. According to the Sefat Emet, Korach made the mistake of thinking that once the Children of Israel experienced the revelation of Torah at Sinai, their spiritual journey was over. Like Leibowitz, the Sefat Emet hears a kind of religious complacency in Korach's claim. "He thought that there was no rung higher for Israel than that of receiving the Torah." But for the Sefat Emet, the spiritual journey does not end there. "You have to go on and do some new redemptive act in the world, for that is why human beings were sent here. Every person has a part in this ... even a simple person can arouse some act of redemption, something specific to that person, each in accordance with his own measure."

This teaching clarified for me what David McCullough got wrong. At one point in his speech, McCullough says: "Even if you're one in a million, on a planet of 6.8 billion that means there are 7,000 people just like you."

Funny, but false. Every child, every person, is indeed special -- in fact, utterly unique. But, as the Sefat Emet emphasizes, this is not an assertion of entitlement or privilege. It is an affirmation of radical responsibility and redemptive possibility.

Underlying the teaching of the Sefat Emet is the notion that we are each created in the image of God - utterly unique, mysterious, and equally precious. It is this truth that allows us to embrace the paradox that is at the heart of our work as parents and teachers. The fact that our children are created in the image of God means that they have absolute dignity and worth that is not contingent on any achievement or external measure of success. And the fact that our children are created in the image of God also means that they have the capacity and the obligation to bring something new and redemptive into this world that is unique to them.

Our children may not be holy, but it turns out they are special after all, and it is our sacred obligation to make sure they know it.

ON Scripture -- The Torah is a weekly Jewish scriptural commentary, produced in collaboration with Odyssey Networks and Hebrew College. Thought leaders from the United States and beyond offer their insights into the weekly Torah portion and contemporary social, political, and spiritual life.

 
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In the last few weeks, a new You Tube sensation has emerged. It is the recording of a high school commencement address -- now widely known as the "You're Not Specia...
In the last few weeks, a new You Tube sensation has emerged. It is the recording of a high school commencement address -- now widely known as the "You're Not Specia...
 
 
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09:33 AM on 07/01/2012
In my mind you're really only special when your abilities are used to advance others without personal benefit, especially if done anonymously.
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Kyrani99
that Eternal Flame is the source of my shrine
07:38 AM on 06/29/2012
I think the simple message is that everyone is unique and that is all inclusive. However being special singles out some and not others and that is racist. That is in my opinion the difference. Nurturing children is done by maintaining a strong bond, It is that which truly honors. And it is often missed expecially when a parent, particularly a mother is stressed. As you can see here in practice how dangerous and damaging a weak bond can be http://kyrani99.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/the-toxic-people-and-their-networks-who-are-they/

A strong bond is built when the child is frequently recollected in mind and loving and positive thoughts are upheld, which is natural when a parent is not stressed. These, even without words make the child feel worthy through their uniqueness. Verbally we fall very short of this and it is this that resorts to the ideas of special and as more or less worthy of other people. Indeed one of the methods used in the recruitment of children that are vulnerable to becoming toxic is their need for nurture and that is artificially fed as being special.
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michelesda
My micro-bio is empty.
11:25 AM on 06/28/2012
How do you get your kids to hold hands and grin for a picture like that? If I made my kids do that, they would accuse each other of giving them cooties.
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jf12
When I saw her I marveled greatly.
11:20 AM on 06/26/2012
According to Christianity, we are special and holy to the extent that we are in conformity with Jesus, the express image of God.
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phal4875
The world is run by cats; we just feed them.
05:17 PM on 06/25/2012
If we are all created in God's image, how can each of us be unique?
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VinZenTexaN
God welcomes his victims
10:14 PM on 06/25/2012
:-) he he he you tell them phal . . . we are unique just like everyone else
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Jacob Aud
12:55 AM on 06/26/2012
This ancient sacred book explains that our unique human traits are the result of our being created "in God's image"—meaning that we are capable of reflecting (albeit to a lesser degree) our Creator's personality traits. (Genesis 1:27) So although we do not have the eyes of an eagle, we can display farsighted wisdom. Our hearing may pale in comparison with that of a bat, but we delight in conversation, music, and the pleasant sounds of nature. And while we lack an internal compass, by turning to God's Word, the Holy Bible, we get the very best guidance for life.—Proverbs 3:5, 6.

Our being created in God's image also explains why we alone have a spiritual need. "Man must live, not on bread alone," Jesus said, "but on every utterance coming forth through Jehovah's mouth." (Matthew 4:4) Do you regularly take in those refreshing utterances by reading the Bible?

When properly nurtured by God's Word, our spirituality can expand our perceptions beyond the limits imposed by our physical senses. How so? By building up our faith. Genuine Bible-based faith enables us to "see" the invisible God—as did Moses—and also to discern His purpose for the future.—Hebrews 11:1, 27.

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20030308/article_03.htm
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Vivian Darkbloom
02:24 PM on 06/24/2012
Thank you for a thought-provoking column. It's always interesting to see what a commentator will do with the conundrum of Korach. Some people really are too full of themselves.

I notice that the Etz Hayim chumash refers to the same ideas from Yeshayahu Leibowitz that you do. It also mentions Rav Kook's commentary (p. 866) about "the necessary role played by skeptics and agnostics in keeping religion honest and healthy. Challenges to tradition, he taught, are necessary because they stand as perpetual reminders of the danger that religion can sink into corruption . . . stagnation and complacency." He says "the impulse within each of us to rebel [against some of the above problems] has legitimacy and "potential holiness."

What an amazing feature of Judaism that it embraces and appreciates people with such a broad diversity of ideas! I look forward to more commentaries from you.
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Mr Anonymous
Mumpsimus, I am not entertained!
11:14 PM on 06/21/2012
Your kid is not inately special. They have to make themselves special, which takes years of hard work.
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grinder44
Your micro-brain is empty.
05:23 AM on 06/21/2012
"Destroyed in a dramatic display of divine vengeance." I have to admit, this stuff never gets old! It's really instructive, too. You know, don't make the semantic error of saying we "are" all holy in the present tense while pointing out the hypocrisy of a religious leader putting himself above the rest of the flock lest (the) god(s) strike you down in a dramatic display of divine vengeance. My god, "Jeff The Grammatically Forgiving Yet Not Too Keen on Today's Teens Attitudes of Unwarranted Entitlement," has told me, and only me, that errors in tense are not punishable by divine vengeance any longer. However, his brother, "Greg The Ethereal Enabler of Nonsense Supernatural Storytellers Who Attempt to Make Relevant Their Magical Tales of Homicidal Vengeance," still has a penchant for knocking out cable service for those who doubt His magical powers. Let this be a warning to you all.
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10:05 PM on 06/20/2012
The whole idea of a "chosen people," in any context, culture, religion or society is xenophobic, racist, and prone to cause hatred and violence. Israel's genocide against the Palestinians is a perfect example. The U.S. committing wholesale genocide against Native Americans is our shame as well.
There are NO "chosen" or "special people." God said so.
09:20 AM on 06/21/2012
Which god is this and where is it?
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psnyder325
Yep, I'm a Socialist. Deal.
03:11 PM on 06/25/2012
The concept of a people chosen by a god who may or may not exist has always seemed to me to simply be a justification for racism and jingoism. The history of the Jewish people, including today in Israel, shows this triumphalism. Judaism, like Christianity, has far too much influence on our society.
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dadoorsron
10:02 PM on 06/20/2012
Just like life. There are a whole LOT of losers and a few winners. So, is your kid special. Odds are, NO!
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methodman
05:49 PM on 06/20/2012
Wow I actually agree with somebody religious. The problem with special than they invent many cute words that don't say anything but maybe rhyme like with disability I am differently abled. Where there is a set of charts that act out work using hard to write symbols. If you don't do that you don't be reacting with the proper dynamics. Sorry I have improved on things which most people with a disability don't. Also religion tends not to respect effort and the pastors and rabbi's are not seeking out thoughtful symbols; so much that can become true is made so, by never walking into a temple or church if you want to be middle class. But I think you are on to a good start but figure for yourself with some curiosity you have. you can't explain to someone else before you grasp things for yourself. That is why this is hard. Some people are Tortoise deep and they aren't able to show and tell simplistic presentations because they seek out a deeper refined experience than a shallow every one has the same caricature. Some religions have the motto RESOLVE TO NOT EVOLVE I stay away from those. But they are out there!!!
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03:18 PM on 06/20/2012
A very interesting article. I will have to think on it more.