How embarrassing.
Last Sunday the Los Angeles Times ran an article about extravagant Jewish-Iranian weddings in California that expose our community as a bunch of shallow, boastful, materialists who think the purpose of a marriage ceremony is to tell your friends how much money you have. Some of the details quoted in the article, confirmed to me by people who actually attended, included a bride placed in a glass coffin to be opened by her half-masked "Phantom of the Opera" bridegroom. The coffin did not open for an hour, and the wedding was nearly ruined by a shaken and tearful bride gasping for breath. But the coffin, on that occasion, was a telling symbol of the utter death of Jewish values that such ridiculous extravagances betray.
The article further cites the regularity of film crews at these weddings consisting of five or more cameramen with "a 25-foot crane over the dance floor." In television this is called a jib, and to give you an idea of how expensive they are, I can tell you that through the first season of Shalom in the Home's multi-million dollar budget, we couldn't afford one.
Strangely enough, the article then quotes a Rabbi from Sinai Temple in Los Angeles, with thousands of Iranian-Jewish members, who "makes a point of not judging -- and even sees virtue in the enormous family gatherings."
Give me a break. Is there really a point to Rabbinic leadership if it does not come with value judgments? Do we in the Jewish community not -- rightly, I might add -- lecture our Muslim brothers and sisters that they must weed out violent extremists lest their religion be brought into utter disrepute? And while murder in the name of G-d is much more serious than shopping in the name of excessiveness, there can be no question that keeping up with the Schwartz's has become a cancer that threatens to kill off the flickering Jewish soul. How ironic that a people who have for centuries survived forced baptisms are now drowning in an ocean of profligacy.
American Jews often exhibit the worst tendencies of immigrant communities, endeavoring their best to show how they not just landed but arrived. Security is defined not in terms of spiritual virtue and nobility of purpose but stocks and bonds and money in the bank. And what's the point of having it if your friends are ignorant of your success? The whole reason you made the money in the first place was to show off. So go ahead. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. And what better opportunity then at the public celebrations of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah or wedding where, at no extra cost, you can utterly vulgarize the spirituality of the occasion by transforming it into a showcase of material consumption and excess.
I remember growing up in Miami Beach and the over-the-top, utterly ridiculous Bar Mitzvahs that were de rigueur. One in the late '70s featured Darth Vader and R2D2 greetings guests as they arrived at the reception. To be sure, it was memorable seeing C3PO in a tails and Chewbacca's beard complimented with a Hassidic hat, but one wondered, apart from its celestial setting, what Star Wars had to do with the spirituality of the moment. On another occasion, I arrived to see a full ice sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy, which perfectly suited the freezing cold religious aspect.
A wealthy Jewish businessman shared a story with me of how he instills values in his children. His twelve-year-old son had come to him and said, "Dad, I want a famous sports star at my Bar Mitzvah. Let's get Eli Manning." So the father replied, "Son, you have to have manners. You don't tell your father to get Eli Manning. You ask him politely." Apparently it never dawned on the dad that his son had aped his own shallow materialism and had, already at 12, become an insecure braggart.
A remedy is needed. Rabbis should be thundering from the pulpit that extravagant weddings are not only a betrayal of a sense of personal inadequacy, but are an abrogation of Jewish values. You're so rich? Then impress your friends by giving the money to charity. Rather than focus on the twenty-piece orchestra for your son's bar mitzvah, take him to twenty classes where he can learn about Abraham and Sara, Moses and Pharaoh, David and Goliath, and the glory of Solomon's Temple Give him an inner identity, based on values and character, rather than a shallow external identity based on money and objects.
So why aren't the Rabbis giving sermons about gross materialism that wraps itself, in the memorable phrase of Matt Taibbi, like a "vampire squid," around the Jewish conscience? Because they are about as likely to criticize their own congregants as Romeo is to renounce Juliet. But what's the point of being the head of a congregation if you're not also the leader of a community?
The story goes that in Israel, a few decades ago, the Gerer Rebbe, head of one of the largest Hassidic sects and seeking to stop a destructive game of material one-upmanship, enacted an edict that none of his followers can have a wedding with more than 200 guests, still large by some measures. One of his wealthiest followers and supporters approached him and said, "Rebbe, surely this does not apply to me. I'm a very rich man," to which the great Rabbi responded, "Very well, then. If you're so rich, go buy yourself a new Rabbi."
Yes, some things in life can be put on a credit card. But rabbis who preach values and can't be bought? Priceless.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach hosts The Shmuley Show on 77 WABC in NYC. He is the founder of This World: The Values Network, and is the author, most recently, of Renewal: A Guide to the Values-Filled Life. Follow him on Twitter @RabbiShmuley.
Follow Rabbi Shmuley Boteach on Twitter: www.twitter.com/RabbiShmuley
Unfortunately my Bar Mitzvah sort of fit this category. It wasn't over the top "5 camera men" style but my parents did rent out the Hard Rock Cafe in DC for an afternoon (for shame). In my defense, it wasn't about the money, it was about the ROCK!
Further in my defense, in addition to the Torah and Haftarah I went the extra mile an recited 2 additional aliyot and led the entire Torah service. So I feel the day had a large spiritual meaning for me.
That's my rationalization :)
The mandate of having a bar/bat mitsvah is to declare a child has reached the age of spiritual consciousness and discernment - the privilege of Torah, Talmud and haMikra exposition - to be counted in a minyan, to have his/her decisions counted within the jury of the Jewish community and to be accountable for them.
If the parents of a child can afford million$ to help their child begin this journey, so be it. But it is doubtful a party of Star Wars character would be helpful. Perhaps, set up a non-profit fund with those million$ and make the child the manager. Let the child discover incidences of need to be a good decision maker.
Real wealth stays low profile…even using corporate aircraft to powerful people is a tool not a luxury…the planes with all of the fancy paint jobs and special N numbers on them…jerks…take Obama for example…
The plain Jane ones, the kind that are used by the big boys..Totally vanilla…white with a paint stripe or two…those aircraft will belong to someone you never heard of before…but you know them, just in a different way…
The last thing anyone with real money or power wants anyone to known is who they are, where they are, and what they are doing…sure it is all first class…but it is also smart…
People with means (of any religion) usually like to have extravagant parties to show they can afford it, whether it is a Bar Mitzvah, or a sweet 16 or an over-the-top wedding for their princess.
While your point is valid, good luck trying to shame anyone out of spending their money the way they like.
It reminds me of the person who quit something and then goes about condeming that same something. Condeming something is sometimes an expresion of a deep seated desire for that something.
We try to remove the sliver in someone elses eye when we dont notice the pole in our own eye.
It's happening everywhere although the million dollar bar and bat mitzvahs are ridiculous but again it's an American thing too.
The Jews I'm more concerned about are the ones spitting on the First Amendment with regards to this Islamic Center in New York City.
I'm not very religious but the few things I follow from my Rabbi when I was young is "Don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you" and when it comes to standing up for minorites their can be no equivocation. We have to stand up for the rights of minorities in this country no matter what.