With all the celebrity breakups lately, many of us are debating, deliberating, and calculating the numerous reasons marriages fail. We all speculate whether it's the usual suspects such as infidelity, discrepancy over finances, midlife crisis, or growing apart that leads to the majority of splits.
Obviously there is no simple answer to what causes the millions of breakups and divorces -- both Hollywood and pedestrian -- that occur every year. In actuality, there are hundreds of reasons why relationships end, and everyone has a unique story to tell. But researchers do point to five unexpected behaviors that if repeated over time, can cause permanent damage to any couple's love bond.
Engaging in these five behaviors can sink a marriage:
1) Nagging: Nagging is a frustrating dance that many of us fall prey to. It can be defined as one partner repeatedly making requests to the other, who regularly ignores it. The Wall Street Journal calls this type of communication "toxic", and experts say it can eventually sink a relationship. When repeated nagging occurs, I call it a "Death by 1000 Paper Cuts". Men and women both nag, but apparently women do it more. Nagging can be potentially as dangerous to a marriage as infidelity.
2) Criticism: Repeatedly attacking your partner's personality or character rather than focusing on the actual behavior that bothers you and discussing it in a mature and effective manner.
3) Contempt: Attacking your partner's sense of self with the intention of causing harm. Openly disrespecting him or her. This includes name calling and cursing, hostile behavior or body language (such as eye rolling), and putting your partner down.
4) Defensiveness: Needing to defend yourself whenever you perceive your partner criticizing you. Always disagreeing with what he or she is saying, or rebutting with a complaint of your own.
5) Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation or the relationship. Refusing to discuss something or physically disappearing. Holding a grudge or feeling resentful towards your partner for several days, or weeks.
Psychologist John Gottman studied over 1000 married couples and claims that when the last four behaviors are present in a marriage, there is a 94 percent chance that the relationship will fail.
As a trained relationship therapist, I can generally spot these behaviors from a mile away. Interestingly, many people are completely unaware they are even engaging in the behaviors to begin with, let alone comprehending the damage they do. Although many people (including me) have engaged in one or more of these behaviors from time to time, repeated use will cause one or both partners to feel frustration, anger, fear, hurt, sadness, and alienation.
All couples have arguments, and that is perfectly normal. It's not necessarily the conflict per se that sinks a relationship -- it's how the disagreement or the communication is handled. When conflicts are poorly handled and these five behaviors are involved, it has the potential to cause a great deal of damage to the relationship and to the individuals.
If you feel that during your marriage you participated in any of these behaviors, you'll do yourself a world of good to admit the part you played and work towards examining where the behavior originated. Many of the answers will come from how you were raised and how your parents behaved with each other and with you. It's hard and painful work, but honest self-examination will always lead towards profound growth.
I believe that in order to fully recover in a healthy way from a divorce, everyone needs to take some accountability. Although no one can turn back the clock, there is always ample opportunity to work on changing these behaviors if they infiltrated your relationship. Doing so will enable you to enhance all relationships -- not just romantic ones -- in the future.
Christie Russell: Nothing Comes From Nothing
I really believe that a person can get so consumed with something that it truly becomes difficult to get a grasp and a clear outlook of the situation in its entirety.
Looking back, this is one very big reason why my marriage didn't last, and it really blindsided me in a way I never thought it could. Great post.
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It is a fallacy to think that you’ll just happen upon the person who will make your life complete, who will be the yin to your yang, who will be the missing piece to your puzzle. People are individuals with their own idiosyncrasies and quirks and no one is a perfect fit for anyone else. This is a fantasy hammered into our minds that is fueled by Hollywood. Soul mates are made, not born, being willing to work and create a soul mate out of yourself and the person that comes into your life is the magic and fantasy.
Look at ourselves first. Finding true love is an internal process, not an external one; it is not about finding a perfect match, but rather deciding to become someone who is both lovable and capable of being open, selfless, optimistic, brave, accepting, patient and loving.
Learn to be loving towards the person who comes into your life and to renew the love and passion once it comes into your life. Act and show your appreciation of love, it is a precious gift, do not take it for granted or act as though you’re entitled to it if you are lucky enough to have love in your life
There are so many reasons mariages work or they don't. People have different upbringings, values, expectations and their own set of emotional baggage. We always hear that marriage and relationships are work and that you've got to, in a sence, be willing to let go of all those expectations, baggage, values while at the same time not stuff those thiongs deep down inside either. We also also talk a lot about what casues marriages and relationships to fall apart.
What we don't talk and hear about is how we all can rethink the purpose of marriage and relationships in the present. Marriage to some degree has a different meaning than it used to from the recent past and completely different from most of history. What is the purpose of such instituions and why are they still important? How can we get better at finding partners who better match our values, expectaions, etc so that we can avoid the issues laid out in this article?
Personally I'd rather not be talking about the problems outlined in this article and would rather be learning how others found a much better fit in the first place.
1) Nagging: Sarcastic comments that serve no other purpose other than to irritate.
2) Criticism: Repeatedly attacking a posters personality or character rather than focusing on the actual content of the comments. Instead of saying what truly bothers you and discussing it in a mature and effective manner.
3) Contempt: Attacking a posters sense of self with the intention of causing harm. Openly disrespecting him or her. This includes name calling and cursing, hostile behavior or passive aggressive insults that attempts to put other posters down.
4) Defensiveness: Needing to defend yourself whenever you perceive a poster is criticizing any man or woman. Always disagreeing with what the poster is saying, or rebutting with a complaint of your own.
5) Stonewalling: Attacking, then withdrawing and from the conversation after you can't prove your point, but always making reference to your comments. Holding a grudge or feeling resentful towards any poster for every having disagreed with your idea of what is right or wrong.
I think all of those are pretty expected behaviours that sink a marriage.
At the 38th year of marriage, I honestly believe the biggest difference in short-term and long-term marriage is simply "COMMITMENT". Did we mean our vows? Do we really insist that we forsake all others? Do we really plan to stick it out and work on making it better for better or worse?
It takes two. Not two saints. If both partners honestly mean their vows, they'll withstand the storms that life inevitably throws at them. If only one partner meant it, that's tough. No matter what the other partner does.
WTH???? Oh HELLL NOOOOO!
Now all of those things probably sound like little things I could just let go. My favorite one so far was "oh I just need to "train" you like I did the last one". Really?
So, he's got about another month before I start looking for my own place again.
Thank you Mom, for raising an independent woman that can afford to take care of herself.
Thank you anonymous HP users for taking a moment to read my vent. I feel better.