THE BLOG
06/08/2010 02:18 pm ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

The Frenemy Within

In searching for a BFF, it might be helpful to consider what qualities most certainly do not make a friend. Early in my search, I wrote about a dilemma involving my bikini waxer--specifically, the conflict between my desire to befriend her and my fear that our professional "closeness" might preclude a real relationship. In the comments on that post, I was particularly struck by something Jackie wrote about befriending her personal trainer: "Although when we hung out the conversation was still great, she really kept me in check about what I was eating and drinking in relation to my fitness goals. Unsolicited! On girls nights! It got to be too much after a while. Who wants to be told they have to do 100 sit-ups for each G&T they have?"

It made me laugh, then nod in agreement. No one wants to be reminded of everything she shouldn't be doing. It's impossible to embrace the devil on your shoulder when the angel is staring you in the face. And isn't one of the unwritten rules of friendship that you won't make her feel guilty when she's knee-deep in Ben and Jerry's?

It got me thinking about the sentences that should never escape the mouth of a BFF. Because any friend who says the following is no friend at all:

"Are you really going to eat that?"

"You look tired."

"I'm so glad you broke up with that a-hole. I never liked him." (If you speak these words, know that it is a virtual guarantee they will get back together. And I assure you: She. Will. Not. Forget.)

"It's so cute how you take [insert your passion here] so seriously."

"You wouldn't understand." (Um, ok. Explain it to me.)

"Don't try on mine, you'll stretch it out."

"I'd appreciate it if you'd be more considerate next time. :) " (This would be fine, sans smiley face. Emoticons = passive aggressive = are you kidding me??)

"He's totally not my type but you might like him."

"I'd kill myself if I had your job, but I'm so glad you're happy."

"Your son's not reading yet? Little Betsy's already on The Prisoner of Azkaban and has memorized the Gettysburg address ... but he'll catch up. It's not a race." (This isn't one I know from personal experience, but I'm confident it's been uttered in Mommy & Mes around the world.)

I'm embarrassed to say I've been on the delivery end of some of these (I learned the "never tell a friend you never liked her ex" lesson the hard way), and I've certainly been the recipient (most recently in the form of "Wow! You really take the blogging thing seriously..."). But I know there are more frenemy-identifiers out there... What did I miss?

You can follow Rachel's awkward and hilarious escapades in her search for a new best friend on her blog, MWF Seeking BFF