10/01/2010 09:58 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Texas Governor Offers Unemployed Two Choices: Buy a Job or Just Say Thanks

If you're unemployed and you live in Texas - and at least 1 million of you out there - listen up. Governor Rick Perry has an important announcement for you:

"Being an unemployed person in Texas is the best state in the nation to not have a job in."

That's right, America. That's the kind of Governor Texas has. A governor who thinks being unemployed in Texas is a good thing. That sure explains a lot. Out of a job? That just means you have more time to explore the wild yonder of the Texas-Mexico border. Can't afford to feed your kids? Teach them "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" and wait for further instruction from your Governor. No way to pay your mortgage? Consider yourself lucky and use that Lone Star flag of yours as a lean-to.

Perry's reasoning, as he explained on a Dallas TV station recently (video below), is that even though you're unemployed now, you might have a job soon. He came to that conclusion based on very specific, very scientific fact printed in the Very Specific, Very Scientific Fact textbook that the Texas State Board of Education recently wrote. In it, it states that being jobless in Texas is a good thing, because Rick Perry had some buddies in January "who were unemployed and today they have a job."

But before we all lock arms and start singing "Proud to be an American," or the yet-to-be-released, post-secession version, "Proud to be a Former American," please allow me to point out the large, smelly, GOP-pandering elephant in the room: Rick Perry was the one who, in March of 2009, rejected $556 million dollars of federal stimulus money for unemployment claims so we could "keep things going like they're going in Texas." Reinforcing his favorite anti-Washington meme, Perry added, "We can take care of ourselves. And we do not need any more strings from Washington attached to programs."

That's funny, because Perry sure doesn't have a problem with attaching strings to his own political appointees. If you are unemployed in Texas, you do have another option: buy your job from Rick Perry. Ethics watchdog group Texans for Public Justice uncovered today that Perry's campaign received over $17 million in contributions from gubernatorial appointees and their spouses. If you can pony up enough cash, Fief Perry will appoint you to a special position at one of the many state agencies.

Because while it's not okay for the federal government to help everyday working class families get back on their feet, it's more than okay for Texas's Governor to propel the wealthy into power in order to stay in power himself.

That's Rick Perry's Texas, folks. Y'all come back now, ya' hear?