'Have Him At Hello' Dating Tips: How To 'Give Good Phone'

Have you ever thought about what kind of first impression you make on the telephone? It's been on my mind since I hung up the phone yesterday with a guy who called to interview me. I thought afterwards, "Yuck, I didn't like him..." Of course we'd never met, only exchanged words through the receiver for about 15 minutes. But it got me thinking: why didn't I like him? Would he be different face-to-face? Maybe there's a disconnect between his phone manner and his live personality. But whatever the perception versus the reality, I think phone charisma is something you should master if you want to be successful in life (and especially in love). Too often someone can get a negative impression about you from what you say (or don't say) on the phone. They can't see your body language or facial expressions, which might lead to false assumptions about what type of person you are. Whether you're chatting with someone for business or personal reasons, you should always "give good phone."

After a ten-year dating research study where I interviewed more than 1,000 single men (and women) for my new dating book, "Have Him At Hello," I've identified 8 simple tips. As a matchmaker, my perspective is obviously the dating arena, but regardless of whether you're single or married, these guidelines will help you shine on the phone to make a great first impression:

1. Use a Land Line whenever possible. There's nothing more irritating than spotty reception and always saying, "What? Sorry I couldn't hear you...."
2. Be aware of your tone: Always use a cheerful voice, even if something he says annoys you, or if you've had a bad day. People are drawn to an upbeat vibe.
3. Give intentional responses: If the other person says something vague such as "How are you?", remember that is usually not an inquiry about your health or your mood. In the early stages of getting-to-know-you, everything you say is used to project what type of person you may be. "How are you" is actually a Rorschach test! Use that vague question to give an intentional response and share something about yourself that you deliberately want someone to know. For example:

   He says, "How are you?"
   You say, "I'm great! I just returned from an exhilarating run in Central Park with my best friend from college."

   What does that tell him about you, even if it's subconscious? It says you are fitness oriented (you run), you're the type of person who has sustainable relationships (you've maintained a friend for 20 years since college), and you're an energetic, positive person (I'm great! The run was exhilarating!)."

   Obviously don't make anything up (i.e., don't say you went running if you really didn't), but proactively think of something positive about yourself that you want the other person to know, even if he asks a vague question.

4. Find a "conversation bridge": Find a bridge to help you learn more about him, based on the last thing you said ("So, what kind of exercise do YOU like?" or "How about YOU, do you have some college friends you still spend time with?"). Everyone likes talking about themselves.
5. Be fun: If there's a lull in the conversation flow, try to be fun and spark some banter, which makes someone enjoy talking to you. Pick a neutral, third party topic, and make a comment (or ask a question) about it. For example, "Hey, did you happen to see Letterman last night? He did the Top Ten Reasons for things overheard waiting in line to see Avatar.... Guess what #1 was?" Asking a person to guess something is a great way to keep conversation interesting. (Avoid boring questions such as: How was work? Was the traffic bad?).
6. Flatter him: Make someone feel good about himself by acting happy that he called, and be sure to give positive feedback on his conversation skills. For example, tell him, "I had a rough day at work, but your call cheered me up!" or "Oh, that's an interesting question!"
7. Know when the party's over: End the conversation quickly when you sense the energy level drooping. But blame it on an external factor rather than sounding bored. For example, "Oh, I have to walk my dog now, he's scratching at the door... I'm so sorry, I was really enjoying talking to you. Let's speak again soon!"
8. What Never To Do: While talking on the phone, never chew food or gum, never go to the bathroom or flush a toilet, even if you mute the phone (don't risk a mute malfunction!), and never multi-task while you're on the phone by checking email, loading the dishwasher, etc. (give someone your full attention: it makes a huge difference!)

 

 

 

Comments

[Paul Preston]

09:38 PM on 03/28/2010

Uggh girls with a really cheery voice can be a turn-off too. I dated a girl from AZ who would sing when she talks and it freaked me out because it sounded so fake and... drunk. Girls, just talk properly and talk normal. You don't have to be so cheery when you speak, we like the newscaster's voice sometimes-- Paul http://haydendane.com

[Julie Spira]

10:41 AM on 03/18/2010

Having a positive phone conversation with a member of the opposite sex is part of the courting phase. if you initially traded emails from an online dating site, this is the next step to determine if you want to meet. Also, if a mutual friend or acquaintance gave your phone number thinking you'd be a good match, it's best to be polite on the phone. Having a successful initial phone call will make the difference if you make it to the first date or not. Rachel's tips are terrific for the initial phone call. After that, it's true. Most guys don't like talking on the phone as much as the women do, but it's part of the courting and communication process. You might as well learn how to master it if you want to be in a relationship.

[lpskip]

11:03 PM on 03/16/2010

Not everybody likes talking about themselves. I dont.

[JDM73]

06:29 PM on 03/16/2010

Having phone charisma can be great...but, depending on the situation, people can be really let down when they finally see you face to face. "Wha...?! That voice comes out of this ugly wretch's mouth? Oh, god!" (And yes, this can happen even after they've seen photographs of you. People hear a nice voice and project all sorts of fantasies and idealized images onto it.)

[Deli]

12:50 PM on 03/16/2010

What's a land line?

[Dnietz]

11:26 PM on 03/16/2010

seriously

if that was a requirement the only place i could talk is at my desk at work - LOL

[Hunter]

12:45 PM on 03/16/2010

I travel a lot so this helped me. Thank you.

[Birdwatcher]

10:10 AM on 03/16/2010

Tip 4 states, "Obviously don't make anything up ", but in tip number 7, an example to end the conversation sounds like it's okay to make something up. "For example, "Oh, I have to walk my dog now, he's scratching at the door..." ?????

[TheWifemaker]

11:29 AM on 03/16/2010

Definitely don't make anything up, your conversation should be authentic. The example in Tip #7 is just that-- an example-- to demonstrate the type of "external factor" you can cite, if you do indeed need to walk your dog. Just find something true that doesn't make the other person feel like you're hanging up because you're bored.

[SimplyBkuz]

09:56 AM on 03/16/2010

I own a phone sex company. A lot of these tips are the same things I tell my girls in order to manipulate men into talking longer or calling again. If you want real advice about talking to men on the phone, I'd say listen to the guys who posted here. (They hate talking on the phone unless, of course, they're getting off on it) Otherwise, this is just another article on how women should manipulate men. I say unless you're getting paid for it, just be yourself.

There are way too many women out there trying to manipulate men... or at least there are way too many articles on how to manipulate men. Ladies, just be yourselves. Trust me, it works out better in the end.

P.S. I think it's hilarious that the only responses this article got were from two men and a phone sex girl. How to "give good phone", really? This is what you get when you try to manipulate your readers into thinking you wrote an article about phone sex.

[HekmagaJuximakLives]

09:06 AM on 03/16/2010

So many rules....so much to remember.
Biggles is right, we hate talking, especially on the phone.
If you're in a long phone conversation with a guy, then he's probably gay.

[Mister Biggles]

08:43 AM on 03/16/2010

Ladies, if you want to be "good" on the phone....yes?

GET OFF OF IT.

Men LOATHE talking on the phone.

Use it to set up real life conversations if you want to get to know someone.

[JoeMentia]

10:39 AM on 03/16/2010

I agree to an extent. I have had a few (STRAIGHT) male friends who like to ramble incessantly on the phone. I think it was a way to avoid having to deal with the wife. Heaven forbid you get on the phone with a techie friend who just got some kind of new computer or cellphone gadget that he's jazzed about. One guy in particular could take a 5 minute story and stretch it out to a half hour long dissertation complete with multiple, barely-related tangents. Thank god for hands-free so I could put the phone down and actually do something valuable with time time while he was pontificating. One of the difference that I've noticed between the genders is that women tend to tell stories in relation to how it made them feel, while men tell stories to let you know what they can do or what they know. One rule of thumb for me, if I hear the words "I," "me" or 'my" too often in a monologue, I try to cut it off as soon as possible, regardless of gender.

[Chris Abraham]

11:30 AM on 03/16/2010

I don't think this all has to do with length of time or anything but your FIRST impression and so Rachel's advice of being PRESENT, being POSITIVE, being PASSIONATE is important -- and, for me, since I really AM busy and because dating takes a lot of time AWAY from my busy life (and since we're all a little burned out on all of this), being FLATTERED does matter. But no, the date should not take place on the phone. Also, since you're going to be self-conscious, don't be afraid to have a watch and also talking point. Also, you might even look in the mirror when you talk because you can hear a smile. Don't forget, this advice isn't SEXIST or DEMEANING because these are also the tips and tricks they tell you during your first weeks in SALES as well. You're COLD CALLING in this world of dating and you just need to secure the MEETING and if you don't have a solid pitch, a good demeanor, and some charm, you won't make the sale.

Loves's for closers, to paraphrase Glengarry Glen Ross.

[Dnietz]

11:23 PM on 03/16/2010

I fully agree.