The Best Day of My Life, or The Time I Heard Gwen Stefani Pee

03/10/2015 03:48 pm ET | Updated May 10, 2015


"You guys!" I hissed.

"What is it?" Samantha asked.

"It's Gwen-fucking-Stefani!"

My friends and I were lunching at Ivy at the Shore in Santa Monica, when who comes in but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Not too many people knew about it, but Gwen Stefani was my secret best friend. As in, I knew we were best friends, she just didn't know it. Yet. And now we were breathing the same air! I knew once we met, she would realize how much fun I was and want to be my best friend too. We would have pillow fights and bedazzle our pants together. It would be pure magic. A match made in heaven. Gwen and Gav were sitting three tables down from us in an otherwise empty restaurant. So I pretty much had an obstructed view of Gwen and her bright red lipstick.

"Where is she?" Samantha asked.

"The table behind us. Don't look now!" Samantha and Selena both swiveled around to look immediately.

"Oh, that's cool." Selena responded. She returned to studying the menu.

"I'm sorry am I missing something? How can you guys be so calm at a time like this?"

"Honestly I don't think Gwen Stefani is that big of a deal," Samantha responded.

"Oh right, she's not the fabulous fucking Jimmy Buffet," I muttered. For some inexplicable reason, Samantha had a complete and total infatuation with Jimmy Buffet. How anyone could enjoy the music of someone who sang songs like "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Fruit Cakes" is beyond me.

I had to do something. But what? I didn't want to be one of those annoying fans that bugged someone while they were eating. Eureka, I've got it! I would wait until they are done eating and they go outside. I'll sneak behind them and then I'll ask Gavin to take a picture of me and Gwen. That way his cooties would be on my camera too, and I could sell it on eBay.

I picked at my arugula salad while I stole glances at Gwen. What was she eating? How did her lip color stay so fresh after eating? Did she use Revlon Colorstay lipstick? How often does she dye her roots? What are they talking about? Did she notice me? Has she realized yet that we are secret best friends?

After two centuries had passed, the waiter finally handed them the bill. They settled up and got ready to leave. I quickly prepared myself with my camera in hand. I got up and stealthily tiptoed behind Gwen, expecting to go outside. Except Gavin made a right towards the door and walked outside, while Gwen veered left for the bathroom.

Oh shit. Now what? Was I seriously going to follow her to the bathroom? Was I that girl? And who was going to take the picture? There was no one in the restaurant. Oh fuck it, I thought. I've come this far. I decided to bite the bullet and talk to her.

Or maybe I should bust out into song to break the ice. I could see it now. I would sing one line, and Gwen would sing the other. We would harmonize together, and the whole restaurant would get up and mosh/dance.

"I'm just a girl I'd rather not be 'cause they won't let me drive late at night!" I would belt out.

"I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak 'cause they all sit and stare." Gwen would chime in. Gwen always knows how I feel.

And then in unison "Whooooa I've had it up to here!"

But then again I'm tone deaf. Maybe I should just ask her for a photo.

"Excuse me Gwen, I'm a huge fan, can I get a picture with you?"

"Um, sure." Gwen replied looking surprised. She didn't look terribly thrilled, which I found rather odd. Didn't she realize we were BFFs? Well even if she didn't I bought every No Doubt album, so I figured she best suck it up and take a pic with me.

"Who's going to take the picture?" she asked. I think she secretly hoped no one would come to my rescue. I couldn't believe she wasn't as stoked as I was to take a picture.

"Uh..." I looked around, hoping beyond hope that someone a waiter, a bus boy, or I don't know, King Neptune would come out of the nearby Pacific Ocean and snap our pic. Right at that moment a little 85-year-old lady hobbled around the corner heading towards the bathroom.

"Excuse me! Can you please take a picture of us?" I asked her with glee.

"Oh, I'm so sorry dear (picture little old lady voice). I can't because of my arthritis. You see --"

"OK, fine, whatever." The old bat.

I turned to Gwen. "I'll just take the pic myself."

"OK." I put the camera in my right hand and held it out as far as I could and stood on my tiptoes. As I'm 5'1" and Gwen is like 5'9", the height difference was significant, even though I was wearing two inch heels.

"Thanks Gwen!"

"Sure dude, no problem." She turned and walked into the bathroom.

Now what do I do? I wondered. I didn't want to seem like I was solely there to get her picture. We were secret best friends, but she clearly refuses to acknowledge our relationship. Well, fuck it, I'm over it. I don't need her. For all she knew I was on my way to the bathroom, and I happened to bump into her with my camera. And what if I had to pee too? It's not like I am sitting around stalking celebrities all day. I can't believe she would think I am just there to get her stupid picture.

So I walked into the two stall bathroom to pee too. She was peeing. Omigod, I could hear Gwen Stefani peeing! Holy crap! I felt a warmth engulf my heart. I never thought my life would be so glamorous! So what if we weren't best friends? I had heard Gwen Stefani piss into a porcelain bowl. My life was now complete.

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