My fellow patriots,
Are you tired of Democrats with their slobbering same sex smooches and their coherent sentences?
Do you want to bring America back to a time when people knew their place, when might meant right, and when people like you were miserable?
Then join The Kinsey Sicks in our campaign to become the next Republican President of the United States!
But who, you may ask, are The Kinsey Sicks? Do not apologize, dear friend: ignorance is admirable, and is the foundation of any self-respecting GOP presidential campaign. In a nation in which most people would believe that tension between Turkey and Greece is an episode of Iron Chef, you are permitted to be unaware of our alleged talents. Or our shameless self-promotion. Not to mention our our eight albums, two movies, and many music videos, the most recent and diabolically irresistible of which I am posting here for no apparent reason.
For 19 years, The Kinsey Sicks have been America's Favorite -- and least favorite and only -- Dragapella Beautyshop quartet. What, you may ask, is Dragapella? You may have heard of a cappella music, and undoubtedly know that A cappella is Italian for "we can't afford a band." Dragapella is that plus more! It is glorious drag. It is hilarious lyrics. It is trademarked.
The Kinsey Sicks have nobly offered to sacrifice our lucrative dragapella™ career so that we can lead the free world and eventually sign lucrative book deals for our pets.
But can a quartet run for president? YES! After all, my friends, corporations are people, too, and The Kinsey Sicks, LLC want to be the first corporation to be president of the United States. If you don't count Haliburton. Which, after all, was only vice president, officially.
We are willing to run on our record -- did I mention that we've released eight? True, we have not created any jobs, per se (although Trixie of our group has kept many an STD clinic open late as a result of her remarkable devotion to what she insists is economic stimulus.) But through nineteen years of singing across this great country of ours (and several inferior nations abroad) we have managed to create discord. And discord, my friends, is what America needs more of.
No more accommodating Democrats! No more catering to the poor, who, now that I mention it, should get jobs catering my soirees, if they're cute and sexually harassable. No more coddling illegal aliens, who steal not only our jobs but also our God-given right to mangle our own language!
We Republicans are the party of great traditions -- like family, union-busting, and shame-filled sex. The Democrats are beholden to the "radical chic." Just the term turns my stomach. Really, who pronounces "chic" like "sheik." I'll tell you who: foreign-born Muslims! Any red-blooded, red-stated, red-baiting American can tell you that the word chic SHOULD BE pronounced "chick," as in Chick-Fil-A, which we, The Kinsey Sicks LLC, will serve at all state dinners. This is a solemn pledge -- and I am as sincere as I am a lady.
We Kinsey Sicks are as bold and unafraid as we are dubiously talented. And we do not just preach to the choir, who, after all, can drown us out. Sure, we have performed in all the expected places: Rock Hill, South Carolina; Salina Kansas; Idaho Falls. But we are willing to infiltrate courageously the homelands of the heathens, in such Godless hellholes as San Francisco, Chicago and Conway, Arkansas (you'd be amazed how much truly disgusting fornication goes on there -- ask me for details.)
But I digress. My fellow patriots, let us come together as one and, in the spirit of democracy, kick the crap out of illegal alien atheist Muslim homos without photo ID. If you feel the same -- if you are possessed of a morbid sense of comedy, a depraved lack of fashion sense and an appreciation of dragapella™ music -- we hope you will join us at one of our upcoming rallies in Seattle, Sacramento, San Francisco, Ft Lauderdale, Pittsburgh, Wichita, New Haven, Montclair NJ, Chicago, or Tampa FL, where we will rally during the Republican convention and win the GOP nomination. Or, watch this inspiring campaign video and host a rally of your own!
Remember: all our rallies are BYOB -- bring your own billionaire. It may be too late to save America. But there's still time to help us get rich. And isn't that what democracy is all about?
Follow Rachel Kinsey Sicks on Twitter: www.twitter.com/rachelksicks