2008, One Day At A Time

Editor's Note: Dr. Mona Ackerman is on vacation. Her weekly column will return next Thursday.

When I was growing up, One Day at a Time was a TV show; now, it's a motto I try to live by. A catchphrase and major tenet of Alcoholics Anonymous, it's also provided for me a way of looking at life that recognizes that life goes on, whether we like it or not. I find that the end of the year and beginning of a new one is always a good time for self-assessment, yet major life changes happen for me on their own anniversaries. This year was a big one for me in many ways, but two of the biggest are that I stopped drinking alcohol (February 13) and, even more challenging, gave up my 4 to 6 liter-a-day Diet Coke habit (October 4).

I'm not an alcoholic (though I come from a family that's struggled with alcoholism) yet when I found myself doing a podcast interview in February, drunk on martinis, my mind reeling as I tried to stay coherent, I knew something had to change. I decided that that was my last night of drinking, and so far I've kept to that promise. The toughest part hasn't been abstaining from alcohol so much as dealing with people's ideas about a girl who doesn't drink. When I'm out at a bar and a guy offers to buy me a drink, asking for a seltzer seems to signal that I'm no fun. "What do you want in it?" a guy asked me recently.

"Seltzer," I replied, receiving a look of disappointment from him. Drinking has so become the norm that those of us who choose not to, whether for a day or a lifetime, set ourselves apart from the crowd. If someone asks and I attempt to give an honest answer as to why I don't drink─because I'm trying to lose weight, because it makes me feel out of control, because I feel like I'm a better person when I don't drink─they often hear my responses as accusations, like I'm saying there's something wrong with them for drinking, when nothing could be further from the truth. I envy those who can casually sip a glass of wine, indulge in a cocktail or two (or more), and have it not be a big deal. They drink for pleasure, whereas while I've had some delicious drinks in my life, I always drank to get drunk, to get buzzed, to become a better version of myself. I've discovered that I may not always like the person I am sober, but grappling with her, facing her with all her flaws and insecurities, is preferable for me than trying to blot them out with another vodka cran.

I'm not surprised that researchers have recently found a link between impulsiveness and alcoholism. I know that for me, it's often much easier to leap before I look, and worry about the consequences later. Well, perhaps "easier" is just my way of soothing my conscience when I make bad decisions, whether it's spending too much money, going out late when I should be working or otherwise shirking my responsibilities. And it all goes back to being able to take things one day at a time. If I were able to do that, I could allow myself to realize that whatever fun, rash, impulsive thing I want to do can always wait until tomorrow, that the world won't end if I miss one party or leave a pretty dress on the rack. I'm glad I've been able to avoid using alcohol as a crutch, no longer making it a convenient excuse for misbehavior, as in, "Oh well, I was drunk, I can't really be blamed for my actions." But I still haven't quite figured out a way to deal with myself when I get completely overwhelmed, verging on panic, multiple thoughts and to do items and fears scrambling together, clamoring for my attention. When that happens, I still reach for something soothing, usually food or a shopping spree, to get me through.

For me, "one day at a time" extends far beyond the use of alcohol. I tend to have a very all or nothing way of looking at things, so for instance, if I'm behind on one project, I stress about it so much that I can't seem to motivate myself to work on another project, because I know I won't be able to finish both. The idea of making incremental progress, of accepting that I cannot complete everything, but can do something, is a challenging one for me. Likewise, living life "one day at a time" forces me to stop fantasizing about a brilliant, perfect, utopian future in which I have no problems, and instead focus on the practicalities of what I can do right now to improve my life.

I can say that while I'm proud of sticking with my resolutions not to drink alcohol or Diet Coke, ultimately, that satisfaction has been fleeting. I don't miss either of them all that much, though I do occasionally miss the feelings I associate with them. But even more challenging has been the realization that for the most part, my life has stayed pretty much the same. I still have debt, a messy apartment, deadlines that come and go without my meeting them. Simply giving up a few vices hasn't miraculously turned me into the hyper-organized on-the-ball person I had hoped it might. Sure, I'm proud to have made a goal and stuck with it, but if all I do is sit around and feel self-congratulatory, I miss all the other ways I could be working on myself. Because for me, both alcohol and Diet Coke were both physical cravings, and symbols of something bigger than just a beverage. Taking them away means I'm often left feeling empty, looking for something, or someone, else to fill those empty places inside me.

Reaching those goals certainly doesn't mean I've conquered my demons; it often means I just find other outlets for self-destruction and negative thinking. In my worst moments, I'm miserable and can see now way out of my current mess. Even if someone assured me that in a day or a week or a year, some of my burdens would be eased, I wouldn't believe them. What do they know, anyway? is what I tend to think when someone offers me a ray of mental sunshine like this when I'm intent on feeling awful. I recognize that I do this, but, at least some of the time, I continue to do it anyway. Like the author of "The Nasty Four-Letter Word That Keeps You From Writing," (which I highly recommend to any writer), I often live in constant fear, thinking that my career, my life, any success I may have is just a fluke. This kind of thinking never leads to a positive outcome; if it's indeed a fluke, then why even bother trying?

One of my favorite songwriters, Elliott Smith, who struggled with his own addictions, wrote a line that helped a fellow fan and I right after his death, that goes, "You only live a day/but it's brilliant anyway." Sure, that sounds depressing, but only if you look at it in a glass half full way (which is my natural inclination). But if we make the most out of each day, while also recognizing that, literally, tomorrow is a new day that will very likely yield a new perspective, it makes it easier to cope with today. At least, that's what I'm counting on in 2008.

Comments

[MichaelCanfield]

""Seltzer," I replied, receiving a look of disappointment from him. Drinking has so become the norm that those of us who choose not to, whether for a day or a lifetime, set ourselves apart from the crowd."

REALLY? Drinking has become the norm? Yes, since the invention of agriculture. If anything not drinking is more socially acceptable and approved of than most periods in history.

[jmpurser]

I would ask everyone suggesting she attend AA meetings to please respect her decision. She's obviously heard of AA and made a choice. AA uses attraction, not promotion. It works that way because it WORKS that way.

[jmpurser]

Good luck with it kid. Over 2 years sober here and a "real alcoholic". This year, I try to kick COFFEE! Now that's going to be TOUGH.

[boomer1949]

I am 58. My alcoholic father is 77.

I wish my father had had such an epiphany when I was a child. Moreover, I wish my mother had had the courage to admit his addiciton was destroying our family.

As a result, my mother carried denial with her to her grave 5 years ago; my mother was 73. And, her denial did destroy our family.

Like the elephant in the room, everyone new It, everyone saw It, but everyone looked the other way and pretended It wasn't there.

[TOOO]

I could never stand alcohol OR diet Coke. (The only soda I ever liked was Seven-Up, and I hardly even drink that anymore.)

But I lived with an alcoholic (and crack addict) for 5 years. She'd been through AA, rehab, whatever, but only because everyone forced her to go, so of course nothing worked.

You can't quit unless you really want to. So, congrats on being smart enough to want to quit.

[unitron]

There's no way my taste buds would put up with that much diet any kind of cola in a year, let alone a day, no matter in how much alcohol I pickled them.

[oogabooga]

I haven't had a drink since.....breakfast

[MikeDu]

"The toughest part... dealing with people's ideas about a girl who doesn't drink."

Take it from a 53 year old guy, I STILL have to deal with people's startled reaction to my non-drinking self! I literally get looks of pity from people who I imagine are picturing my poor overly-healthy liver tucked up under my non-beer-belly ribcage. For me the romance of booze is long long gone. I've known too many people who thought reckless party drinking was 'cool' in their early 20s - only to not be able to hold down a decent job in their late 40s.

About AA - like an athiest friend once said, at least religion has the benefit of getting the poor to wash their faces and comb their hair once a week. If believing in a higher power or magic beans keeps you off the booze go for it.

[Iago]

What is wrong with Diet Coke? Can you get arrested under the influence with a couple Diet Cokes?

Really, I don't get it. What's the harm in a diet coke? You want it, drink it.

[BreakOut]

Thanks for this post. I've always denied that I'm an alcoholic too and I can quit with willpower as well. But I'm also looking for the bigger picture of the why's and wherefore's of addiction and impulsiveness. Yeah, drink to get drunk, spending too much money, overwhelmed, empty, perhaps lonely, self desctruction, negative thinking, messy apartment, missed deadlines. Yep, one day at a time or one step at a time down a different path.

It's enlightening to hear what other's experiences and viewpoints are and then perhaps understanding where I'm at a little better and maybe even figuring out how to deal with or change my actions and habits.

[singermuse]

People from time immemorial have sought out ways to alter their consciousness, whether for religious or social or other reasons, such as perhaps dulling a painful experience or life situation. The world is replete with opportunities to indulge and put ourselves out of balance.
That being said, addiction is not to be limited to what is imbibed or not. Addiction can apply to even the sometimes obsessive or negative thoughts we think, or relationships, beliefs, food, anything.
I would not presume to judge another for their chosen mode of coping with the world the way things are currently.
However, whatever creates chaos or a life out of control or injury to others should certainly be avoided.
Congratulations on staying with a commitment you have made to yourself and yourself alone.

[anechoic]

alcohol is corporate control
destroying brain cells is anti-revolutionary

[greencrazed]

Good grief people, who are you to tell her that she's an alcoholic?!?! I've always scratched my head at that element of AA. "I took one drink, AND I WANTED ANOTHER ONE! WAAHHH! I MUST BE an ALCOHOLIC! She's off the booze, through her own free will. That doesn't sound like an alcoholic to me. She drank to get buzzed. If I drank a cup of coffee to make me wake up, does that make me a caffiene addict? I think not. A true drunk is someone who wants to stop, but cannot. A true drunk is someone who is powerless over alcohol. It is ruling and ruining their life. That doesn't sound like the case here.
You people are the drama queens of AA and can make meetings big sob sessions.
Sign me,
Sober for eight years.

[MrWebster]

Not drinking will certainly change some of your casual and even serious social relationships. Given your work as a writer, I would bet that booze is very much thee social lubricant when friends and comrades gather. Actually, it's probably the lubricant for most social relationships. I imagine you lost buds along the way, but that's the way it is.

Hey you got things to do and you realized booze interfers with that. Booze and the modern writer don't go well anymore. I think James Joyce after teaching and writing would spend the evenings boozing it up. The ability to live like that and be productive just doesn't exist anymore. I doubt if he could have afforded modern NYC rents and yet have time for real writing and real drinking.

Well you got yourself the big picture you needed.

Don't go to AA until the point you find misery and white knuckle obsessions joyful.

[lwaxanatroi]

Congratulations on a year of sobriety. I hope you gave yourself a one-year present (I did when I reached my first one-year mark). Yes, I've had two one-year anniversaries, which is why I'm writing you. My first sobriety date was March 4, 1979, and I managed to stay a nondrinker for over twenty years. I did it without AA, but then I decided I might not have been a "real alcoholic" and went back to drinking occasionally. Well, occasionally wasn't in my repertoire and I spent about five years buzzed and ashamed and aching to stop but not trusting AA. Went into rehab, where they forced me to attend AA meetings and I'm now starting year four of a much solider, much happier sobriety. Give AA an honest try, ask a woman you respect to be your sponsor, and I think you'll find, as I have, that AA truly is "the easier, softer way" to recovery and joy. Namaste.