Would You Send a Pink Toy to a Baby Boy?

Dear Diana,

I know Teddy is a boy, but I'm sending this pink block because it's my favorite baby toy, and the only one I had left of a stash I'd bought. I really hope he likes it, and that I can visit soon and shake it at him. I can't seem to find them from the place I used to get them, and they've been a big hit with the babies I know, and hope it's okay that I'm sending it. Yes, I feel a little silly sending this, but didn't want you to think I didn't know his gender.

I sent this letter to a friend who just had a baby -- her second, actually, though her first is off to college. I felt like I needed to include a note, lest she think I was color- or gender-blind. I felt a little silly, but also like I couldn't just send the pink Rich Frog Soft Block, which is indeed my favorite baby toy, and say, "Enjoy!" without arousing at the very least suspicion, at most some attempt at feminist brainwashing. I'd bought them in bulk -- that's how much I like them -- but all I had left was pink and I couldn't find them at the same low price I'd previously purchased them for, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It's a tricky topic, all the more so because I thought nothing of giving my friend's baby girl a giant blue Eric Carle stuffed elephant. I would give a baby girl a blue shirt, no problem, but this tripped me up.

In her upcoming book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter," Peggy Orenstein does an excellent job of unpacking the ways girls are marketed to at a very young age, and the nuances of that gender-based marketing. I think it's interesting that even for me, who's been a feminist since my teens, that the socialization around gender starts so early. At one month, I highly doubt my friend's son will even notice this toy, so it wasn't about him per se, as the reaction of those around him. Would a pink toy be laughed at?

I shouldn't have been surprised that I was in this quandary, because gender is so encoded in our society that it's one of the first things we ask prospective parents. Of course I wasn't so much worried about what the baby himself would think of the toy, if he even processed its existence at all, but what his parents would. According to an article at Dads Today, "Dr. Linda Lindsay, professor of sociology at Maryville University, believes it is nurture that triumphs nature. When children are very young, she says, they are given stuffed animals. As they get older, girls continue to receive stuffed toys, but boys begin to be teased or chided, especially if he plays with the toy in front of others." Marcus Leshock writes about taking his baby daughter out and being deluged by strangers who want to either determine her gender or assume she's a he. Does it matter? To him, yes.

As they get older, it gets more complicated, as mom Christie Haskell writes in "Toys Aren't Sexist Unless You Think They Are," explaining how she feared posing photos of her daughter's traditionally girlie toys for fear of being called sexist. But what struck me was that for all my feminist beliefs (my mom dressed me in a baby Ms. shirt), I struggled with whether or not to send the toy. I wasn't trying to make any kind of political statement, but simply to hear the words that make me so happy: "___ loves the toy you gave him/her!"

I don't have kids (yet), though I hope to someday, and I also hope I'll be open-minded when it comes to the toys they receive. For now, I'm waiting to hear the fate of the pink block.

 

Follow Rachel Kramer Bussel on Twitter: www.twitter.com/raquelita

Comments

[Lisa Shields]

07:53 AM on 01/13/2011

Dear Lord...are we STILL trapped in the world of "pink is for girls, blue is for boys?"

When my daughter was a baby, I made sure she had gender non-specific toys...building blocks and trucks, lincoln logs and tinker toys...and lots of soft stuffed toys. When it was time for her first set of Legos I was HORRIFIED by the special "girls" sets---you guessed it...little pink and purple legos so they could build little nail salons.

Good news...my daughter had brilliant spatial skills...something they claim is rare in women.

I really think we limit our kids long term with the "Blue and Pink" rhetoric. So bravo on thinking outside the Toy Box...

[Widespread Panic]

05:46 PM on 01/12/2011

No, I would not.

[Widespread Panic]

05:43 PM on 01/12/2011

Nope.

[anastasiabeaverhousen]

01:02 PM on 01/12/2011

Yes

[belle27]

09:46 PM on 01/10/2011

For a baby, it makes no difference. Of course, this article is about the parents, not the baby. The question being asked is, would you feel afraid of offending the parents by giving a boy a pink toy? And sadly, I can only think of a few couples in my (educated, progressive) circle who would not be a little taken aback by a pink toy. Interestingly, those couples are child-free by choice.

[monroele]

09:42 PM on 01/10/2011

I would give neither a boy nor a girl pink things. I would keep my eyes open and wait what they like and then give it to them.

[RedRat]

09:10 PM on 01/10/2011

For a baby, it makes no difference. However, sending or buying pink things for an older boy, not so much. Face the fact, in our culture, whether we like it or not, pink is associated with girls and blue with boys. Now, you may think that we ought to be color blind, we are not. We are products of our culture. You may well reply that we ought to change that. Perhaps, but do you want to make this specific boy in this specific circumstance bear your burden of color blindness for sex. Perhaps an admirable goal, but think of the carnage on the way to your goal.

[Lawson Meadows]

01:33 AM on 01/10/2011

(Part 2)

The differences between the pinks and the blues are real and separate, and should be. What is unacceptable is the use of either as justification to restrict capacity, potential, rights, or opportunity.

The ad men are in it for the bucks; the social impact of their efforts is relevant only to their bottom line. Until parents become aware of the issues and problems, counsel their children, set examples to support equality, and generally resist the obnoxious clinging to among other things, color based gender identification and subsequent judgments, the marketing forces will be what determines children's reaction to, preference for, support of, and ultimately expressions about strict gender barriers.

My goodness, all of this over a pink block… whew!

I’m a fan for making me think a bit!
Lawson Meadows

[Lawson Meadows]

01:32 AM on 01/10/2011

Rachel,

When I first read your article, I passed on commenting, but the subject kept lighting a bulb in my head... so I had to come back.

The pink block, given to this boy, will not matter to the kid now. However, if it matters to his parents, it will likely matter to him later in childhood, presuming it doesn't get "lost".

The struggle with gender-appropriateness seems more your issue than theirs. That being said, I understand it, and would likely experience similar dissonance it that regard. Seems, as with many social "rules", we are often at odds with what we perceive as reasonable, versus what we see as appropriate. Everything from wearing a tie to a business meeting (normally appropriate), or not doing so (pretty reasonable), to finding some gender neutral word to avoid alternating "he" and "she", or always using he/she (One author suggested hesheit... don't say that fast.)

The good news is, now that you are out of blocks, you can bulk buy some gender-neutral baby toys to avoid potential psychological scaring of you, the kid, or his/her parents... plus, you don't have to write any more "notes". :-)

You are certainly right about the level of gender socialization at an early age, but I wonder, if you sent garments, would you have considered sending something pink, even with a note?

(Continued in Part2)

[dmherb]

11:50 PM on 01/09/2011

I would totally give a boy a pink toy, the kid doesn't care.

[NWBrunette]

09:27 PM on 01/09/2011

Why not? The idea that gender is a rigid box is outdated as well as completely ridiculous.

[RedRat]

09:14 PM on 01/10/2011

Perhaps it is. However, you live in this society right now. Culture says pink for girls and blue for boys. That is just the way it is. Should we not have color identified with either sex, perhaps so. But do you want your kid to bear the brunt of that change? I would not.

In reality, the very idea of this color/sex identification is silly and nonsense, but I accept that the majority in this culture have deemed it to be important. So, I would go along with it. In some cultures, other colors are identified with the sexes.

[atcrossroads]

05:53 PM on 01/09/2011

Great post, Rachel. The gender stereotyping of all things child related is ridiculous, and I find it especially trying as the mother of a girl. My daughter is 10 years old, and although she sees herself as a girl, she does not see herself as a 'girlie-girl'. Meaning she very seldom wears pink, or flowers, or pastel colors, no ribbons and frills and lace, dresses only on very rare occasions, and then they have to meet her very strict criteria. She has zero interest in dolls, tea sets or any other home maker toys. She would rather play with cars, scientific sets, WWE merchandise and the like. When you walk into a toy store, it is usually clearly demarcated into a boys' section and a girls' section. And everything she would like is in the boys' section. She does not seem to care, but I always worry that the labeling will warp her sense of gender identity. Ditto the clothes. She is much more likely to find clothes in the colors and styles she likes in the boys' section. I just wish they would make children's toys and clothes more gender neutral.

[balibali15]

11:11 AM on 01/09/2011

The type of toys being sold can tell a lot about a society andt he toys we give to our children. Remember though, it is the thought that counts, and we never know what children will like playing with, he may love it.

[hometownblues]

10:26 AM on 01/09/2011

Wow, I can't even imagine giving my daughter a barbie doll (aside from how sexist and materialistic they are), so I can see that giving a boy a pink toy would feel weird. I've bought my daughter clothes from the boy's section but I couldn't see doing the same for a boy. Most of the toys we've bought her are the multi-colored "boy versions" instead of the all pink versions. I don't mind my little girl having pink things, but I know a couple girls whom everything they own is pink. It's disgusting. I can't imagine limiting my daughter to such restrictive roles. I'd hope that if I ever had a son I'd feel the same way, but at the same time, we live in a judgmental society. Putting a little boy in pink could get him labeled. I wouldn't care if other people judge me for dressing a boy in pink, but that kind of judgment doesn't apply only to the parents. Kids can be very susceptible to ridicule. But then again I don't want my kids to just be another follower in the pack mentality. It's a tough choice to make so I say let the kid make it for you. I say let the kid be everything that they are and love them because of it.

[BluestateGuyInTX]

10:25 AM on 01/09/2011

You have written something very important. I am appalled at the extreme gender differentiation on children's toys these days. Most people don't get why this is a problem because they don't understand the difference between gender and sex. I hear people use the two words interchangeably all the time, especially in the media. When you blur the distinction you force essentialism and that inexorably leads to denying little boys and girls the freedom to be who they are. Just to be clear, as I am sure you know but perhaps others here do not know: sex is between your legs and gender is between your ears. ;-) Or to be more clinical: Gender is sex-specific culture and sex is potential biological reproductive role. They are very different. The later is enforced by nature and the former enforced by other people. The later is innate and universal across cultures and the former varies from culture to culture in is anything but innate.