New York-based writer and editor Louise Sloan didn't set out to be come a single mom, let alone a spokesperson for them. She knew she wanted kids at the age of 28, but her various partners weren't quite ready. When she hit 40, she knew it was time to proceed on her own.
Her story of how she came to be the mother of Scott, which involves plenty of sperm and various misadventures, along with a cultural analysis of various single mothers by choice, is told in Knock Yourself Up: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom, a book she was encouraged to write by an editor when she was pitching another topic. Using the group Single Mothers By Choice (Avery, 2007) and single mom listservs, she interviewed 43 women who offer a range of experiences. Here she discusses the politics of single motherhood, men's biological clocks, and what truly makes a family.
Since the book's been released, do you feel pressure as a single mom to paint an always-rosy picture of single motherhood?
If anything, I feel pressured to paint a less rosy picture of single motherhood. My book has been interpreted (by those who haven't read it) as encouraging women to run right out and get themselves pregnant. One article described my book as presenting donor sperm as "the hassle-free option for the discerning single woman," as if having a baby is the equivalent of getting one's nails done. If you read my book, you'll find I believe nothing of the sort. I feel strongly that having a child is something to think quite carefully about, whether you're single or married, and that far too many children are born to parents who haven't spent any time considering whether or not they really want or even like kids.
My own experience as a single mom has been pretty darned rosy so far, I have to say, but I was careful in my book to include some stories of women who have had a much harder time of it, because I felt it would be irresponsible not to paint a realistic picture.
One theme that came up in the book a few times is that for some women, they feel they're better off as single moms rather than partnered moms. Is this a common view among single mothers by choice?
Actually, no─I'd say most single moms by choice would much rather have a partner and co-parent. What is common is for their married mom friends to whisper, "You know, I love my husband, but the way you're doing it is better!" I hope those married friends are not being totally serious. I'd still like to believe in love, and in two-parent families, and in the capacity for men to be excellent fathers and life partners. That said, there are some things about single parenthood that are indeed easier. No fighting over child-rearing issues, for one thing, and no breaking up and having to share custody of your child.
Some of the women you interviewed talked about the different reactions they received for actively choosing to become single mothers, as opposed to women who become single mothers by "accident." Is there more sympathy for the latter?
In general, I think people do have more sympathy for women who become pregnant by accident. It's odd, since most of those women and their sex partners were not thinking at all about their future child when they neglected to use birth control. Accidents do happen, but most unplanned pregnancies happen in couples who didn't bother to use contraception. Meanwhile, it's single mothers by choice, who by necessity had a lot of planning to do, who are criticized for not considering the child's needs! I think it's just easier for people to understand "accidental" pregnancies. Using donor sperm is pretty hard for most people to wrap their heads around (it was for me!), even though it is, in my opinion, a more responsible way to go than to slide into an "accidentally-on-purpose" pregnancy.
I did have some women report, on the other hand, that they got more positive reactions because they were single mothers by choice. Some got positive reactions because their pregnancy was seen as a responsible choice, not a careless accident, but one woman said she thought her older, conservative friends saw it as being okay because it was a "virgin birth"─no sex involved. Meanwhile, another woman's straitlaced, churchgoing older acquaintance asked her, "Why don't you just go to a bar?" People have all sorts of strange and contradictory ideas.
The tagline on the cover of the book reads "No Man? No Problem!" which is an obviously pithy response to a more complex topic. Where do you see the role of men in both your son's life and generally in the lives of single moms?
Thanks for recognizing that the tagline is meant to be tongue-in-cheek! Like most single moms by choice, I value men and fathers, and I am thrilled when a male friend or relative takes an interest in Scott. I do consciously encourage that, and I hope he develops one or more special relationships with male role models. Of course, some critics of single motherhood see that issue in a ridiculously simplistic and sexist way, literally asking, "Without a man around, who will teach your son how to throw a ball?" I had a funny conversation on that topic with a male friend of mine, a straight, married dad whose daughter is about Scott's age. I was bemoaning my total lack of ability to throw and catch, and Timo, an architect and intellectual type, said he had the exact same problem; we'd both have to find someone else to handle the sports instruction. For me, I need look no further than my little sister Caroline, the jock, who'll have Scott getting picked first for sports teams in no time.
But seriously, between relatives, friends, and teachers, all children grow up with a great many male and female role models. The challenge is making sure the majority of those role models are good ones! Certainly, there's nothing quite like the parent-child relationship, but even some people with two parents find that their closest and most powerful role model is someone outside of their nuclear family. Of course, many heterosexual single moms by choice end up getting married, and their children then have a stepfather. The formerly single moms in my book who'd recently married had great things to say about their new husbands' relationship with their kids.
Some of your critics have posited that what you and other single moms are doing is selfish, because you're depriving children of having a father in their lives. How do you respond to that charge?
First of all, it's not necessarily the case. Some single moms do end up with a man who then becomes a father for their children. And some use known donors who are involved in the child's life from the beginning. But many of the children of single mothers by choice will, in fact, grow up without a dad. That's an important thing for women considering this to think about. I spent more time grappling with the father issue than anything else regarding single motherhood by choice.
I am sure there will be times when Scott will see a positive father-son relationship and wish he could have that. I certainly feel that way sometimes, since my father died when I was not quite two years old, and for me it's sometimes quite painful to witness that loving bond that I never experienced (or rather, that I was too young to remember). There are, of course, many people who do have fathers, and they, too, experience a painful longing for that very same bond, since their fathers are distant, disinterested or worse. The reality is, not all fathers are good ones, and not all marriages create a healthy and safe environment for a child.
I do think it's ideal for a child to have two good, loving parents who are in a healthy, happy, lifelong relationship with each other. And I think it's ideal, at least in theory, for a child to be able to grow up knowing his or her biological parents. Yet in reality, I know some people who would have been better off not knowing one of their parents. And we all know how damaging contentious marriages and acrimonious divorces can be for the children involved.
So many of us want to believe in an idealized notion of the nuclear family, but many so-called traditional families fall far short of that ideal. Still, the "Daddy Question" was by far the hardest thing for me to deal with, in considering single motherhood. I so badly wanted my child to have what I had not. My first choice was to have a close male friend be the donor, so my child could grow up knowing his father, and I asked two friends to do just that. They both said no, each one explaining (totally separately; they don't even know each other) that he'd had a painfully distant relationship with his father and felt he'd be repeating that dynamic. Ironic, don't you think? I do know some known donor situations that have worked out very well, though. It's risky, both emotionally and legally, but when it works out it can be a really good thing for the child.
That said, I think single parents, whether male or female, can be great parents. When someone wants a child so very much that he or she is willing to jump through all kinds of hoops to have one, that child is likely to have the deck stacked in his favor.
Certainly, the stories in your book point to an alternative to the traditional nuclear family, even though many of the women you interviewed would love nothing more than just that. What do you think is the political impact of the phenomenon of single motherhood by choice? Do you feel that you're making a political statement as well as a personal one by being so out and proud about single motherhood?
I guess the political statements I'd like to make are the ones I mention, bumper-sticker-style, in my author's note: "Every Child a Wanted Child," and "Love Makes a Family." I think all kinds of people can make great parents─single men, single women, gay male couples, lesbian couples, and, last but not least, heterosexual couples. What matters is that the individuals involved really want children and can provide a loving, stable home environment. Single moms (straight and gay) and lesbian couples with kids aren't against fathers any more than single dads or partnered gay dads are out to bash moms. These are just people who wanted children and, more so than perhaps most married heterosexual parents, really had to think hard about it and plan carefully in advance. I think that sets an excellent example for all parents.
Our ideas about both marriage and gender roles have changed dramatically in the past century. Women now have the right to vote and to pursue a career, and most of us would not expect anyone, male or female, to stay in a desperately unhappy or abusive marriage. That's all good. But discarding some of the bad rules, norms, structures and expectations of the past has also been destabilizing (how do children fit happily into the glib concept of a "starter marriage," for example?) and we haven't come up with a coherent new system. In the meantime, people still want to find love and to have children, and they are doing their best to find ways that work. I don't think that's really a political issue; it's a deeply personal one. I think understanding this, at least on a personal and individual level, is what makes otherwise conservative families and communities able to embrace the single mothers by choice whom they know personally. While many still seem to find the phenomenon of women choosing single motherhood to be disturbing in the abstract, I was struck at how non-controversial it seems to be in the daily lives of the women I interviewed, even the ones who have traditional, religious backgrounds and who live in places like Kansas, Utah and South Carolina.
I do want to speak out on behalf of fathers and fatherhood. Despite what my cheeky tagline and single-mom status might suggest, I'm for 'em! Many of the anti-single-motherhood men seem to feel threatened and devalued as fathers. I think they're right to be angry and confused, given the current state of our culture. Fatherhood is incredibly undervalued in our society, with devastating results for men, women and children. We send out some very mixed messages on the topic. Men get a lot of criticism for not being hands-on parents, but meanwhile most of the cultural messages out there say that childrearing is all about mom, mom, mom (ever hear of "daddy and me" enrichment classes?).
As a new mom, I have found the mom-focused nature of parenting culture quite striking. I don't see how dads can stomach it. They are often totally overlooked and discounted, if not literally shown the door, in the case of one mommy-baby yoga class I heard about. Additionally, despite all the feminist rhetoric of the past couple of decades, most little boys are not encouraged to learn caretaking skills the way their sisters are. If anything, they are steered away from it. And dads who take paternity leave or stay home with their children may be lauded, but they are still considered a bit weird and none too manly, and they may face workplace discrimination. Is there any wonder that many men leave the childrearing to their wives--or worse, abandon their children altogether?
This has to change. My son may not have a father, but I hope he becomes a great, hands-on, nurturing one himself--and isn't made to feel that in order to maintain his masculinity he has to pretend to be some clueless overgrown child who can run a Fortune 500 company but can't figure out the basics of child care. Men often don't step up to the parenting plate, but they are also being pushed away from it, and from what I understand, courts still favor moms over dads. That's not right. Equal workplace rights for women should bring with it equal homemaking rights for men. Too many dads miss out on the joy of hands-on parenting, and I think they and their kids suffer as a result.
On a related topic, most of the women in the book talked about a driving need and desire to have a child. I'm curious if you've spoken with men about their own biological clocks; do they also have this urge to procreate, and what are the prospects for men who are single and want to become parents?
There's a growing number of single men who are becoming fathers through adoption, and, less commonly, through surrogacy. I think it's great when men want to be dads! From talking to some straight-guy acquaintances who are considering single fatherhood, their reasons for thinking about it are similar to women's. Men don't have the same kind of fertility time-clock as women do, but if they want to be dads, most want to do it while they are young enough to enjoy their children and live to know them as adults.
Men can become just as single-minded about procreation as women can be, for sure. One woman I spoke to dated a guy who really hit it off with her, and they talked about their mutual desire to have kids. It was green light all the way, until she mentioned her age─43─and he dumped her instantly. He was looking for a woman who could bear his children. Little did he realize she'd become pregnant with donor sperm only a few months later.
What's the main message you want readers to take away from Knock Yourself Up?
That people who really want kids and can provide a good home for them can do so, in a responsible manner and with positive results, despite being single. And, correspondingly, that people who don't really want kids should never, ever be pressured to have them, by wannabe grandparents or anyone else. Children deserve to be loved and wanted, and preferably planned for. Ideally, having a child should be an active choice, not an unexamined rite of passage or an accident.