Single Mom Seeking

When my daughter was seven months old, my partner -- who was bipolar and an alcoholic -- walked out the door. His whereabouts? Unknown. In hindsight, perhaps I'm lucky to be free of him, but I wasn't prepared to be a single mom.

My life was not supposed to look like this. I was supposed to be married to my soul mate, some strapping, easygoing, here's-a-love-note-in-your-pocket kind of fellow. We were supposed to be the couple who winked at one another across the room at cocktail parties, the ones who knew how to argue-without fighting.

Ah, the hopes we have.

That first year alone, I clung to my baby girl as if she were my security blanket instead of the other way around. My life orbited around her. I stacked blocks and read board books. I spent hours every day blaming myself for choosing Mr. Wrong. As a freelance editor who worked from home, it was easy to live behind closed doors. Let me just stay right here, playing peek-a-boo and trying to get over my ex.

When I did venture out, I did so with my head down, afraid to look a man in the eye, lest our eyes lock and I get swept away again.

Slowly, I came to the surface. I realized that self-blame was not a healthy way to live -- neither for my daughter or me. After weaning her, everything changed. I no longer wanted to shut out the possibility of dating, and sex. A switch had been flipped inside this single woman -my libido was back.

That summer, online dating was the talk of the town. It's so-not-me, I thought. I'm the kind of woman who has to see a man in the flesh to fall in love. Computers are for word processing, not man hunting. (As my single mom friend Siobhan puts it, "I have to smell a man! You can't do that on a computer screen!")

Eventually, although I was nervous and shaky, I put myself online.

"Warm, generous single mom seeking respectful, cooperative man. No addictions. No drama."

My friends and family babysat. I met plenty of men who were emotionally remote. Their distance felt safe. Safe, no-strings sex was easy enough to find. Having a relationship was the tough part. I was afraid to trust another guy. Would he walk way, too?

Dating as a single mom is another ballgame altogether. But despite my longing for a man in my bed, I really wanted a lifelong companion, a partner-in-parenting, a man who'd come bed with me for the rest of my life.

In 2005, after going on around 100 dates, I met my current boyfriend, a charming Israeli transplant who was enticed by my feisty daughter and me. (She was easily lured in by his dog.) Perhaps being in a steady relationship gave me the courage to write openly about what it means to date as a single mom.

And it's no wonder many of us are terrified to get back out there.

Last summer -- minutes after a personal essay I wrote for The Washington Post went live on its site -- readers came out of the woodwork in droves to attack me.

"Rachel sounds like she still doesn't get it," wrote GetYourDatesRight. "After being irresponsible in the first place by getting pregnant by her bipolar, alcoholic boyfriend, she's still too focused on being single and 'getting the guy.'. What is wrong with this woman?"

MyThoughts said I was "pathetic" and railed about the "Plague of illegitimate children born in the USA today."

Dating said I was a "loser."

And they didn't stop here.

"Been there" wrote: "Here's some advice that will benefit all readers ... don't have sex with bipolar alcoholics. And if you do, and you end up pregnant, put the baby up for adoption."

Adoption? At that point, I probably should have taken cover. Unplugged the computer and got my butt straight back into bed. But I didn't.

In a sick way, it was almost fascinating to take quick peeks to see how these nut balls kept coming at me. What drove their blind hatred, I wondered. Was it a gender thing, a political thing, an age thing? Who, exactly, were these single mom haters?

What if my partner had been in the Marines and died in combat in Iraq? What if he'd had a heart attack while running the marathon? Would he still have attacked me like this? What was it about single moms that made us such a popular target?

It makes you wonder if these people are truly concerned for the welfare of my child; or are they more concerned that my daughter will turn out just fine, that single moms like me are too competent?

It is hard to say. It's clear that there's still a stigma for a single mother to date: these people feel single moms should be punished, that we should somehow "pay for our sins." I wonder if they would be so nasty if a single father were dating. I suspect not.

I didn't ask for this life scenario called single motherhood, but I feel blessed to have it.