When I did the original research for Odd Girl Out, I asked every bullied girl I interviewed to tell me what she needed most from her family. The answer truly surprised me. It wasn't having the best solutions, calling the school or trying to act like everything was okay.
It was empathy.
Before you say, yeah, yeah, I figured that, hear me out. Now that I've been working with parents for a decade, I have seen up close how easy it is for empathy to go out the window. There are two reasons why parents struggle: First, when the alarm bells go off, we want to put out the fire. We assume -- understandably -- that we can make a child feel better by making her problem go away. Parents are habituated to this from the moment of a child's birth: feed when they're hungry, sleep when they're tired, hold when they cry. We bypass empathy and go straight to the problem solving.
But as your daughter grows more independent, and her peer culture becomes more influential, it becomes almost impossible for you to make her problems "go away" (in my experience, most girls come to accept that long before their parents do). In fact, peer aggression is one of the first moments many parents come to that painful realization: I'm not going to be able to control her world. I can't fix it.
Second, empathy is painful. It involves slowing down to acknowledge and think about your daughter's feelings of hurt, rejection or sadness. This can be an anguishing experience for parents. Connecting with these emotions can make you feel powerless and overwhelmed, so it's understandable why many parents would prefer to spring into action.
Your daughter is hungry for empathy when she is struggling socially. Remember that girls live in a peer culture that often denies or invalidates feelings: you're being too sensitive, I didn't do that, you took it the wrong way, I was just kidding. Still other girls are hurt by peers who deny what they've done in the first place. Your empathy tells your daughter, I know this happened. I know it hurt. I see you, I love you and I'm here.
An empathic response to a bullied or targeted girl might sound like this:
"I'm so sorry this happened."
"That sounds awful."
"If I were you, I would also feel really ______."
"It sounds like you're feeling pretty _______." That makes a lot of sense.
Empathy isn't the same thing as expressing emotions. It's not about sharing your feelings -- it can be really uncomfortable if a parent cries or loses strength at the moment her daughter needs it most. The message sent is that you need to be taken care of, not the other way around.
To help you achieve the right balance in how you respond to your daughter, think back to when she was learning to walk. If you showed fear and panic when she slipped and fell, she'd usually sense it and wail. If you chortled, "Oops! You're okay! Up you go!" and plucked her up calmly, she probably kept on trucking. Your concern and reassurance motivated her to continue. That's what she needs from you now. Your courage will help sustain her when she can't access any on her own.
Empathy isn't the only tool at your disposal, and it's hardly the only thing you'll do when she's hurting. But it's the first step, and one not to be missed.
Follow Rachel Simmons on Twitter: www.twitter.com/RachelJSimmons
What I like most about my charter school is that students donât bully each other. At a neighborhood where it is a serious issue, this is very important for me.
This is achieved by caring teachers in the charter school who are very passionate about educating my child. I think, teachers and parents should work together to make our learning environments safer.
http://parents4magnolia.org/2011/06/15/peaceful-school-enthusiastic-staff/
If it was my child who was being bullied, I would do my best to help him/her find situations in which the very traits for which s/he was being bullied would be regarded as assets. If this meant a change of schools or encouraging the adoption of a particular hobby, I would regard it as well worth it to give my child a positive attitude toward the traits other kids (and maybe some adults) were deriding.
I also like Chicookie's solution below.
When dealing with children, we tend to offer assistance to girls when it comes to "tasks", but expect them to work out emotions on their own.
My daughter never told me about the bullying she endured, until it was critical. When I complained at her school, they were worse than useless, so don't expect help there. What you CAN do is become your child's advocate. I'm not suggesting you hover, or "fix" everything...but an awareness of what is happening in her life is essential.
Bullies love silence. It gives them room to torment their victims. Don't instill your daughter with a sense that she is not allowed to complain, for fear of disappointing you. Our daughters are acquiring the skills of a lifetime in their youth...and they need to learn NOT to suffer in silence.
2- Talk to the parents of the bully. Ask them what they intend to do about their child's bullying.
3- If #1 and #2 fail, talk to a lawyer, and take legal action against the school for failing to protect your child, and the parents of the bullies for failing to stop the bullying
4- If #1, #2, and #3 fail, kick the bullies heads in.
Naturally, if bullying had involved physical violence, it would be entirely different and I would have stepped in myself, without hesitation.
Too often we, or at least I, try to solve other peoples' problems for them and that's a No Win Situation for Everyone that usually just leads to frustration and misunderstanding.
Just empathize with people to help them get through what they're going through and let Them solve their problems.
I told her to always take a good book to lunchroom and be proud to just sit by herself......when they threw food or made comments, to just look at them, smile, and tell them to grow up.
Always smile, take the high road 'cause it is easier to throw rocks from heights.
And.......NEVER lower yourself to another's level.
She was strong and just smiled and looked at them with a bit of disgust......it worked. Others that had been bullied came over and sat with her and ......guess what??? They became the 'cool kids'.......
Eating by yourself with a great book is one of the pleasures in life when you get older. It's one of my absolute favorite activities and also how I met the love of my life!
How did my parents react? They blamed me! If I would only be proud of the name, everyone would envy me--blah, blah, blah.
I have built a life for myself, including a name I really like, but the damage cannot be entirely repaired. My daughter was also bullied--her IQ is "scary high" and she did scare people. I wound up home schooling her to keep her away from junior high. My son, also scary smart, attended an online charter school--and when he surveyed is classmates, three out of four said they chose the school to escape bullying.
Hard as it is to keep in mind, bullies are often very unhappy people who feel out of control. They also need nurturing--but not at the expense of their victims.
Non of this 'stop crying' business. I think some fear that this attitude could create a 'suck' but it has done the opposite. She's a secure girl and when she does cry I know it's something serious. She trusts herself and I believe she trusts me.