It's been said that once you have a child, you look at the suffering of other families in a different way. You know what it means to love someone with your entire being, in a way that you never could have imagined before bringing your child into your life. In a way, every child becomes your child.
The suicides this week of two young men, Asher Brown and Tyler Clementi, are devastating, and they are sounding an alarm to all of us about the crisis state of bullying in this country. These tragic events are also a call to parents everywhere to stand up and speak out on behalf of tolerance, respect and dignity for children everywhere.
I can't stop thinking about these two young men, and the burning humiliation they must have felt as they were dehumanized for their gender identity and sexuality. For parts of themselves they were born into, and could not change. Both were fighting to embrace who they were in a community as small as a dorm room and as large as a public middle school.
The suicides are also jarring wake-up call that we're a long way off from an easy life for gay youth. I'm getting a little tired of hearing about how much easier it is to be a gay teen today. I don't argue the point, but that doesn't mean we're off the hook.
According to the Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network's (GLSEN) National 2009 School Climate Survey, nearly nine out of 10 LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) students experienced harassment at school in the past year, and nearly two-thirds felt unsafe because of their sexual orientation. Nearly a third of LGBT students skipped at least one day of school in the past month because of safety concerns. And while, yes, there has been a decreasing trend in the frequency of hearing homophobic remarks, LGBT students' experiences with more severe forms of bullying and harassment have remained relatively constant.
For all the rules and workshops and policies that anti-bullying advocates like me call for, there's one pretty powerful weapon we can all use against bullying. It doesn't cost anything, and you don't need to bring any experts to your school to use it. It's empathy. All of us -- parents, teachers, mentors, big brothers and sisters -- can talk with kids about what Asher Brown must have been feeling as he went to school, day after day: as he was tripped down the stairs, had his backpack emptied and its contents scattered, berated with insults like "fag." You can ask: What emotions did he feel? Is there anyone at your school who goes through that? What can you do to help that person?
If your kids aren't old enough to talk about the suicides, there are opportunities to model empathy all around you: when you give food to a hungry person, make eye contact with someone who is hurting, or acknowledge your own child's pain by saying, "I know you must feel hurt right now, and I'm sorry." Your children will learn to connect with the suffering of others, and feel the moral imperative to help, by watching you.
If you don't already, institute a zero tolerance policy in your family for gay slurs. In schools all over this country, even the progressive ones, "gay" is a stand-in for stupid or weird. When kids use the word "gay" or "fag" as a slur, disrespect becomes part of their slang. When kids call other people or things gay, they dehumanize the people who actually are gay.
If you hear it in the backseat, in your kitchen, in the bleachers, say something. Be the person who stands up. Even if it embarrasses your child, do it. Check out this PSA and consider showing it to your kids, too.
Talk about and embrace the continuum of masculinity and femininity. An overwhelming number of kids get bullied because they look, act or speak in a way that deviates from the tough guy or girly girl. Most kids walk into schools every day where conventional gender identity is a source of respect and status - and a reason to put others down and disrespect them. Be the voice that exposes this injustice. Praise and support the gender-unconventional in your children and their friends. Support boys for being sensitive or unathletic; tell girls it's okay if they don't want to wear makeup, date or go shopping.
Talk about every human being's right to dignity. This is a point Rosalind Wiseman makes beautifully. Even if you don't support gay marriage or even a gay "lifestyle," as some call it, you likely do believe that every human being is entitled to respect and dignity. Talk with your children about that distinction: we may not like every person we meet, or agree with everything they do, but each and every human being deserves to be respected and feel safe.
We can honor the memories of Tyler and Asher, and the others who took their lives this past week, by standing up for them and the countless other children who suffer every day at school. If not us, who? They are our children, too.
Follow Rachel Simmons on Twitter: www.twitter.com/RachelJSimmons
Some of the stories I hear about bullying, just pale and fade to insignificance compared to what I have seen.
Today's children are also used to :"saying" things by text or by upload that they would think twice about saying in public. Not having to look somone in the eye opens up the environment for more kids to explore the bully side whereas in years past it might have only been the kid who was the biggest risk taker.
I do believe for some humanity and empathy might help bullying but for others clear and authoritative punishments should be the norm. All kids should be required to sign a no bullying contract at the beginning of each year with clear consequences written under a variety of circumstances. Such that if they call someone a fag by text they can look it up in their contract later and realize they were warned.
Tyler's parents need to sue Rutgers and win an award in the $200,000,000 range. That's the only thing that will get Rutgers attention and the attention of other schools.
They should also sue the two perpetrators and receive awards sufficient that these two will be paying off the judgement until the day they die, live in poverty and never afford to own a car, a home, and not be hirable in any job that pays above minimum wage.
Finally, the victims of thes bullies need to take matters into their own hands and retaliate. Bullies won't bully if they're afraid their victim will pull out a weapon and mortally wound or maime them.
It's truly a shame that Tyler didn't attack and permanently maime or mortally wound the two culprits. No jury would ever convict him.
Many bullies now work in packs of 10, encouraged by the bully parents. I went to the police when my son was bullied in a new place (laid up for 4 months), and when one is alone, the police do nothing. I went to a lawyer to get it stopped as well, no suggestions.
And the lawsuit result was it was a "sports injury". They weren't playing sports at the time.
Cost us $20,000 to send my son away to a private school for high school. The scars are forever.
Thank you taking the action you did. I'm sure your son appreciates what you did on his behalf. Knowing that your parents support you heals an awful lot of wounds.
Eventually, the schools and police will be forced to take action if other parents have the courage you had to make the effort. It may be glacially slow. I am not advocating patience.
Recruit an anti-bullying candidate to run against the District Attorney that refused to prosecute the bullies. I'll make a contribution to the candidate's campaign if someone were to run.
Weapons? Absolutely. Kids have a right to protect themselves from bullies any way they can.
Bullying is unacceptable and un-American. It doesn't matter if the kid being targeted is being targeted because of sexual orientation, race, religion, ethnic origin, disability or economic status. It's wrong. It's killing our kids. We need to stop blaming the victimns and blame the bullies.