I have actually never watched American Idol before - no, really - but this was enough to make me tune in: the kids from American Idol, performing the songs of Queen! Thunderbolts and lightning, that IS very very frightening, but not as frightening as ratcheting up tensions with a nuclear Iran. Right, when one puts it that way suddenly a night of watching classic songs butchered in over-processed bursts of youthful enthusiasm seems like an appealing alternative. Apparently there is a part two in this process - somehow, Fox has managed to rope millions of viewers in for a second subsequent hour, also featuring the songs of Queen - so I'll be back tonight too, to cover this all-important breaking news for the Huffington Post.
But for now it's all about the music, man, and the tenuous political connections I can make to justify writing about it on this blog. If you're like me and you've never watched the show, well, don't expect to learn much. If you're a die-hard fan and know that "Bo Bice" isn't pronounced like an Italian dessert, by all means help me along in the comments section (and here let me add that "Fantasia" is not only a past American Idol winner but also what the urgent-sounding opening strains of "Meet The Press" reminded me of on Sunday, specifically the "Sorceror's Apprentice" segment where Mickey Mouse happily uses a kind of magic to enlist the aid of an enchanted broom to help him reach his water-carrying goals - until the broom replicates into an inexorable marching army that overwhelms him with far more "help" than he wants. Hmm, do you suppose there's a metaphor in there for anyone we know? (Cough John McCain courting the Christian Radical Right cough). And that, dear friends, is how you link John McCain to Clay Aiken. (Update: This was not meant to imply ANYTHING about Clay Aiken. I just thought it was kind of an unlikely combo, and found it amusing. We can sub in Kelly Clarkson there, too, or her pal from that fun beach movie, Justin Guarini).
And this, more importantly, is how you rock out to Queen! Whooo! First up is a montage that would surely horrify McCain's new buddy, featuring Freddie Mercury saucily striding about the stage clad in tight spandex pants, dramatic billowing capes and at one point, I'm pretty sure, some kind of dog collar. Clip after clip of Queen kick-starting arena rock and generally being awesome. Can these contenders measure up? So far I'm disappointed: not one of them has a mustache. It can only go downhill from here.
We're welcomed to this super-special edition of American Idol by Ryan Seacrest, who sports a manly sprinkle of stubble (which I, for the record, find quite fetching) and to whom some might ascribe the song "The Great Pretender." Ryan welcomes the unlucky cold open to the stage, a floppy-haired, equally-stubbled gent by the name of Bucky Covington, who sings a lacklustre version of "Fat Bottomed Girls." This is disappointing, because that song is all about energy and gusto and voluptuous, grabbalicious booty. He should be BOUNDING across that stage but instead he's kind of flopping, like his hair. Sing it out! Grab that booty! Get on your bikes and ride! For a decidedly red-blooded song Bucky's version is rather anemic.
And then, suddenly, it's over. That's it? That's all they have to do? Warble a few bars and point randomly at the audience? Don't they have a name for that and isn't it "karaoke?" Apparently not - Randy and Paula thought it was great. Simon, however, tells Bucky that "the song is bigger than you." Then he says "I don't think working for the Arabian Horse Association qualifies you to be the head of FEMA." No, he doesn't, but he'd probably agree that SOMEONE should have.
Next up: Ace Young, who looks a bit like the Flying Tomato (agree? Disagree?) wails on "We Will Rock You" which is better, but lacks intensity. I don't really believe that he's going to rock me. Randy thinks that a big song, and I agree - I would have liked to see him get the entire audience clapping the beat in unison and sing it acapella. That would have rocked me harder. Simon's verdict: "It was a complete, utter mess." Jeez, harsh. Can you imagine if Simon was sitting in the corner critiquing the administration? "It's a big war, Donald Rumsfeld, much bigger than you." How quickly do you think he'd be voted off?
Next up, the inevitable: "Bohemian Rhapsody." Is this the real life, is this just fantasy? A cutie named Kellie Pickler says she's excited to sing the iconic songs of her youth. Actually, before we get to her shreddin' vocals and leatherette look, a note on Brian May and Roger Taylor: they're both down with the experiment, and they worked with each contestant on their selected song of choice, which is actually pretty amazing. It must be so great to hear these young people singing their songs. Speaking of amazing, while Brian May's talkin' his hair keeps rockin'. Please note that, in additio to his kickin' guitar licks, the man is a musical genius. If you don't believe me, ask Wikipedia, which knows from its pentatonic melody and ostinato percussion. But also, I love the song '39.
Back to Kellie - I have to admit that I actually got a little chill there with those opening strains. Extra points for the evocative-of-the-video lighting. Points also for the open-throated holla on " if I'm not back again this time tomorrow" - nice interpretation. Kellie can sing, but more importantly she shows that she gets this song: she stands perfectly still for the first part, understanding that the showmanship on these songs is with the wildly theatrical lyrics. (Please note that apparently an important-sounding person named Constantine sang this song last season; I don't know how he did.) Unfortunately, this song is about buildup and progression, so cutting straight to the rock-out loses something in translation, but I do like the 'tude she gives Simon, and she's the first one to really work the stage. Randy likes her "fly jacket." Paula thinks she's a rocker chick. Simon teaches her a new phrase — "on paper" — in his funny accent. It is at this point that I marvel: more people vote for this show than in the Presidential election.
Ryan Seacrest is rockin' the stubble. I think he's attractive.Yes, I do.
"Innuendo": Chris Daltrey actually DOES take a risk, with a song that people don't know. He's got the vocal chops for it, the Freddie Mercury intensity, the voice to really ratchet this up. WOW! This guy is the General Zinni of the bunch, the real deal, the guy who goes straight to the gut. Plus, he's rocking some super-manly stubble as well. And the pipes! What are you benching, buff guy? I know I'm supposed to be nonpartisan and objective, but I'm Canadian, and this is actually the only election in this country that I can actually vote in. So I'm gonna vote for Chris! Heck, I'm gonna vote for him twice.
Who Wants To Live Forever? (Insert your own Iran-has-nuclear-capability joke here.) This is a good choice for the doe-eyed Katherine McPhee. She was NOT nailing the wild exuberance of "Don't Stop Me Now" so she switched during rehearsals (aka "do stop me now"). With this soaring version she manages to turn a Queen song into a Mariah Carey. But man, she's got the voice for it. It's a little blunted - you can't hear the desperation in the song, or the tinge of fatalism - the song has serious emotional teeth that she fails to gnash. And the belt isn't working for me.
Randy utters his first almost-negative comment of the night, saying it was "a little kitschy in spots" (and on American Idol, there is a whole new standard for "kitschy") (update per commenters below: he said "pitchy," but I'm still gonna go with AI as pushing the kitsch envelope). Paula says that she likes to see a performer change her mind. What are you saying, Paula? You like a flip-flopper? SImon says that was "almost the moment - one of the strongest tonight." But I know he's thinking the thing about the non-gnashing of emotional teeth. (This IdolBlogger agrees with me, and also has pictures! This one misses Mandisa, and this one has fingers crossed for Air Supply Week).
Elliott Yamin: Find him Somebody To Love. This guy is more George Michael than Freddie Mercury, but he can genuinely sing and has an earnest quality that I find appealing. That said, he opts to take it down for "everybody want to put me down" where he could have harnassed some raw power. Also, awkward segue into the end part. OH NO! You can't build up to that last note and not soar up into falsetto! Am I too much of a purist? Are my expectations too high? You perform Queen with the American Idols you have, not the American Idols you want. That made no sense but oh well. Stuff happens.
Not to keep ripping on John McCain - or, okay, to keep ripping on John McCain - but Randy Jackson is reminding me very much of him tonight as he plays mister nice guy to everyone across the spectrum. You don't know where he stands, really. At some point shouldn't he have to declare himself?
Taylor Hicks (not Tyler, sorry AI fans - my bad!) channels Freddie channelling Elvis with "Crazy Little THing Called Love" and acquits himself nicely. Nice threads. He's entertaining, and smartly avoids revealing vocal limitations on any of the more challenging songs. Simon, riding the Straigt Talk Express, calls it "ridiculous." It is safe to assume that he is not Taylor Hicks' best friend.
Did they save Paris Bennett for last for a reason? Because this girl's got it. She absolutely nails "The Show Must Go On" - she's got the presence, the intensity...dare I say, the gravitas (yes, apparently that's important). Only complaint: I was so excited to hear her go up on the chorus - she had my hackles rising, and for this song there is no compromise. But either way she's got the showmanship. It helps to have a camera swooping around you dramatically, but she captures the inherent drama, the swooning operative heights of Queen. THAT was the challenge of this assignment. That, more than anything, is what shows that Freddie Mercury was really, really hard to match. Saith Paula: she's "a powerhouse." She is. I'm going to vote for Paris, too.
And then the recap, reinforcing my earlier impressions. Chris Daughtry: Still hot. Katharine McPhee: She's got the pipes, but it's Easy Listening. Taylor Hicks, in a lesson for the ages: Fancy footwork can distract from other deficiencies. Ryan Seacrest: Stubble can make you look attractive to someone who never found you attractive before.
And that's it! One-hour results show tonight at 8:30! I know you want it all and you want it now, but you'll have to wait 'til tonight to find out who knew how to play the game and who's just waiting for the hammer to fall (My prediction: Bucky). I will be live-blogging this time, because apparently I need those time constraints to keep me from writing this much. Until then, enjoy your day and take this lesson from Queen and Jack Abramoff: Take care of those you call your own and keep good company.