Reprinted with permission from The Conversation
I don't believe in date night.
It's not that the idea of three hours of child-free, wine-fueled conversation in an overpriced restaurant with candlelight doesn't sound lovely... it does. But the pressure that comes along with it -- the notion that this three-hour, once in a blue moon pause is going to save or strengthen a marriage -- is a hard pill for me to swallow.
I believe in everything that happens in between date nights.
I have been married to my husband Chris for almost eight years, but we've been together for 18. I am only 34, so you do the math. I've loved this man since we were kids. Ours is a relationship that our friends hold up as an example of happiness, equality, love, friendship... and most of the time, I understand why. And I can tell you, it's not because of date nights.
It's because of regular nights. When we put the kids to bed, turn on some music, pour some wine and eat by candlelight. It can be Monday, it can be meatloaf, we can be talking about the mortgage. But it's always meaningful. And more importantly, it's routine. We do it all the time.
It's because we go to bed mad. I don't believe that everything needs to resolve itself before we fall asleep; in fact, I tend to have a much more level-headed reaction to most of our arguments after a good eight-hour sleep. And let's be honest, there's something incredibly fulfilling about turning to face the wall in a huff and not looking back.
It's because we tweet. Let's be honest -- the persona you put out there on social media is often times the life of the party, just a little bit wittier and funnier than the one sitting on the couch at home. Why not invite your spouse to meet that side of you again?
It's because we don't keep secrets. Not our own, and not anyone else's, either... at least from each other. I have found that discussing your girlfriends' issues when it comes to marriage, infidelity and relationships with your partner can help the two of you gain more perspective -- putting yourselves in someone else's shoes to see how you would react makes it a lot more likely you won't end up there.
It's because of our record collection. Because we pull out our wedding song on the regular (Lyle Lovett's "Nobody Knows Me"), we crank the hip hop songs that we danced to when we first met, we play the '80s hits that defined moments in our respective lives -- and then laugh about them.
It's because we spend time apart... even when we're together. We both work from home so while we are merely 10 feet apart all day, we spend most of that time not talking to each other. Except on Twitter.
It's because, apparently, when we do talk to each other, it's with respect. A friend was at our house for a BBQ recently and remarked on how kind we are when we talk to each other, even when I am asking him to take out the trash. She said she could see there was a mutual respect and kindness there in every little interaction. I gave her another glass of wine.
It's because we try really, really hard not to fight in front of our kids. If we feel something brewing and consciously decide to discuss it later when the kids aren't around, guess what? We usually never do. Things pass, emotions cool off and we are all better for it in the end.
So I don't believe in date nights. I think you should focus on your marriage when you're in the house -- no waiters, no specialty cocktails, no skinny jeans and heels. I believe it has made my marriage stronger. I believe it has kept it secure through ups and downs. I believe it can help you have fun with your partner again. And I firmly believe in saving the cocktails, waiters and skinny jeans for girls' night out instead.
Related Links:
About Me -- What Would Gwyneth Do
7 Little Tips for a Happy Marriage
Things I Am Afraid to Tell You
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mad at your partner. I'm a big believer in resolving any disagreements I might have with my husband
before we go to sleep. Personally, I have to do this so I can sleep. I actually think it's better for both
partners to not go to sleep mad at each other. My husband and I have few disagreements. I'm lucky
that way. It's also important, I think, to bring disagreements out into the air ( so to speak) before they
get blown out of proportion. Also when my husband and I do talk to each other, especially when
we're annoyed at each other, it's always with respect and no shouting, as that's not respectful and
just makes things worse. We always try and talk to each other in a calm tone when we're discussing something and neither of us have a problem apologizing to each other when we're wrong. I still
maintain that good communication is one of the key ingredients to making a marriage successful.
"We both work from home."
This means they're not setting the alarm clock at 5:30am. It also means they CAN have those Monday night drinking and candlelight dinners she's talking about.
"I'm am only 34, so you do the math."
I did. That makes you 16. It means you bonded more like family, rather than two adult strangers meeting. You developed a long term friendship. It also means neither one of you are the "dating" type, both similar in personality in the sense that you're inclined to feather the nest early on.
"If we feel something brewing and decide to discuss it later when the kids aren't around, guess what? We usually never do."
This comment, including the other one about going to bed mad, indicates to me that neither of you are the confrontational type. Confrontation is stressful for you, and you avoid it. That's not a bad thing at all, it's good because you're BOTH that way. But if one of you wasn't, you would have to find a different solution.
"We don't keep secrets. Not our own, or anyone else's.
Telling your husband what your best friend just confessed to you while crying over her mojito the night before, is frankly, shocking. Friends and family are important to a strong marriage and a balanced life. I don't recommend this.
We did however, find ways to have our time together; first, when the kids are in bed, there's also; going to the grocery together, a quick walk around the neighborhood, on a drive home from an evening event, when the kids are asleep or talking to each other, playing a game of cards, sitting on the back deck or in the garden swing, even doing housework together.
Now that we have money and the kids are almost all grown (we had more together) - we still do those things - they don't cost anything or they're cheap, and they're not planned. No pressure. We do now go out to eat at very nice restaurants, but I'd take sitting on the porch swing with an ice cream and my love over a steak in a crowded restaurant any day.
I think the writer, although penning a terrific article, is also giving some incorrect advice to people. The point of date night is to get away from the daily grind, and kids, and remember you're two loving, sexy, funny people, and not just parents.
For 2 working adults, (who don't have the luxury of working at home like the author), sometimes you barely have any time together, and fall asleep exhausted after work, cooking, cleaning, chores, problems and kids. Taking a day, or evening, away, to laugh and maybe even fool around helps a marriage, not hurts it. If I'm not mistaken President Obama and Michelle do date nights, and he credits it to saving his marriage.
I don't think she realizes that this is a date night. Date night is when you put aside "you and me time" with your spouse. I have date nights all the time, mainly at home when my husband and I cook dinner together and watch our favorite anime series or just hang out together. I like eating out too but wanna save $$$ however you can. (Yes I said anime! The graphics and fight scenes are awesome, and not very child friendly.) But whats important is that, that time spent together is us being husband and wife not mom and dad. And for those of you without kids, its never too early to have a date night, in fact its even better because you can make a day of it or have a getaway weekend (even if its just in your bedroom!) without the need of a babysitter.
(Also, some people love to cook and others don't. Who's cooking the dinner on her Monday date night? The point of getting out of the house, is spending quality time together, and not having to peel potatoes, chop veggies and debone chicken.)