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I Ask President Obama for Full Equality for my Gay Son
Dear President Obama,
I watched you preach on Father's Day and my heart was touched by your words. I listened with a mother's heart. I have been blessed with four dear children. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for the gift my children are to me.
You told the congregation that the family is the most important foundation. You said we must take responsibility for those we love and we must set an example of excellence for our children. We must give our children dreams without limits and we must teach them the importance of having empathy for others. We must teach them to stand in another's shoes to know another's pain and their challenges so we can lift them up.
You said when you were younger you thought life was all about yourself and now you realize life is about leaving this world a better place for our children.
Your words touched this mother's heart but they also made me wonder if you are truly living your words.
I wonder if you are living those words as you listen to the gay community. There isn't a newspaper across this great nation that has not shared the news of the gay community's fight for equality. You must have heard their pain when your administration affirmed DOMA with their brief. You must have heard their pain as one after another brave and loyal gay soldier has been kicked out of the military because of DADT. You must have heard their pain as Prop 8 snatched marriage away from gay couples.
My youngest child is gay. As parents we were ignorant about homosexuality when Jacob came out to us as a 16 year old young man eleven years ago. We embraced him and we told him we loved him that night, but we were clueless about what it meant to be gay.
We had to educate ourselves. Another part of your message on Sunday addressed the importance of education. I ask you now to educate yourself about homosexuality.
When we visited with the medical community on our journey to understanding we learned that homosexuality was simply the sexual orientation our son was given. We learned it was not a choice that Jacob made. We were told it was a given for him and we as his parents should encourage him to embrace his orientation and live his life with dignity and respect.
This began a new chapter in our lives. We learned to live in the empathy you extolled. We met hundreds of young gay people who have had such difficult lives because of the ignorance of our society. We have listened to pastors condemning gays and teaching others to do the same. We have felt the pain of discrimination as our son has been harassed with words and attacks. We have listened to young people with tears in their eyes share that they have been rejected by their own parents. We have watched as our son tried to enlist as a gay man and was instead led away in hand cuffs.
We also took responsibility as you asked parents to do on Sunday. We have spoken out, marched and led rallies. We have been arrested numerous times doing civil disobedience to try to bring the issues of injustice to light. We have poured our financial resources into programs and agencies that work to educate the people. We have lobbied at the Capitol in our state of Minnesota and in Washington, DC. We have written hundreds of letters to law makers, pastors, teachers and now to you our President.
Our country needs your voice on this issue. I am impatient to see my dear son live his life with full equality. Can you imagine if one of your daughters had equality and the other did not? That is the reality for every family with a gay child. It is heartbreaking and it is wrong.
You may not be able to lift DADT today. You may not be able to end DOMA today. You may not be able to bring marriage back for the gay community in California today. But, as our president, you can move legislation that would right those wrongs. You can sit down with my son and others and listen to their stories so you can stand in their shoes with empathy. You can address this nation about the terrible discrimination the gay community faces in our country. You can live out your campaign promises on some level.
Your final lesson in your sermon was on the gift of faith and hope. You spoke of a hope that insists that something better is waiting for us. You spoke of your faith and your love of Jesus. The Jesus that I know would not make outcasts of God's beloved children. The gay community has been made into outcasts by many in our churches. We need to hear from you that no one is less than another. The greatest commandment that Jesus taught was to love one another as He loves us.
You talked about the importance of fathers teaching their children. If you don't address the issues of equality for the gay community, the discrimination will not end. Your daughters are watching you. They are learning from you and so are all the sons and daughters in this country.
You can be a president who not only embraces equality but who fights to see the day all God's children actually live it. To be able to bring equality to a group of people should be seen as not only a duty of justice but an honor of the highest level. You must be the one to lead our country by setting an example of excellence in treating all Americans with equality in all areas of life.
I sat on the lawn in front of our nation's Capitol on that cold day in January when you took the oath of office. My heart filled with hope that day because I believed the words you spoke as you campaigned. Those words seem hollow to me now.
I ask you with tears in my eyes, with pain in my heart and with a mother's enduring love for her dear children..... please bring equality ... true full equality to my son and to all in the gay community.
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Walk a few years in my shoes & then tell me I should sit back and wait for my civil rights.
I didn't choose this life, it chose me. I am a woman, yet I tend to walk like my father. I'm sometimes called sir because the other person didn't look at my face. I have been called just about every gay slur in the book even though I don't look masculine. I have been called into a supervisor's office & accused of "looking" at a female co-worker in a locker room. My job can still be taken away because we have no protection from homophobic employers. My friends have been assaulted on a downtown sidewalk in the middle of the day, just for looking gay. My "partner" is actually my legal wife, but we still
had to file mounds of legal documents, a trust, POA, Medical POA, all because we are less in the eyes of many, including our government. I pay property taxes & social security but if I die my wife has no legal claim to the social security benefits my straight friends would be awarded. We can't have married couple car insurance because Progressive only allows man/woman couples. Try to imagine being married, but still having to check single on your tax forms. I'm tired of waiting for the same rights as everyone else. I've waited all my life & it's now half over! Walk 50 years in my shoes & then tell me I should
continued:
& then tell me I should wait longer!
Thank you so much. That is so well said smithshawo8!
I so appreciate your comments.
Wow. Randi Reitan, you write beautiful words from a loving heart. Thank you.
So Obama should push for legalization of gay marriage because your kid is gay and at one point two adults didn't know what being gay was? Ugh.
My goodness carsntrucks. If that is ALL you took away from those beautiful, heartfelt, moving, loving and intelligent words then your heart is frozen and you humanity is gone.
REALLY!?!? That is ALL YOU GOT? I cried and laughed and was moved.
Very sad indeed.
Yeah, pretty much. I wasn't particularly moved by the letter. It seems like more agenda-pushing.
If your point is that President Obama should not push for the legalization of “gay marriage,” I agree with you, but for radically different reasons.
President Obama and Congress should push for marriage equality. There is something critical beyond mere semantics in the terms we use to define social and legal realities.
First, "gay marriage" and "straight marriage" refer to two separate types of legal contracts; the number of the parties in each contract is identical; only the sex of the parties is configured differently. At the Federal level, only opposite sex marriage is recognized while same sex marriage is not. Furthermore, the notion of “separate” and “equal” in this case would be nothing more than a type of apartheid. This is unacceptable.
However, “marriage” made equally accessible to same sex couples, as it is to opposite sex couples, constitutes only one type of contract; the number of the parties in each contract is identical; and only the sex of the parties is configured differently. “Marriage” for couples in this context would be recognized at Federal level and would be expected to fulfill the same obligations as well as be afforded the same rights, privileges and protections under Federal law.
Equal Rights for LGBT people. Marriage Equality. Now.
Ms. Reitan: Thank you, again, for your love and support. I feel like you are our National Mom!
There's no such thing as gay marriage and straight marriage. MARRIAGE is inherently between a man and a woman. Gay marriage is a variation of that, but to many people it doesn't exist. It's a paradoxical term.
Blessed be, lady. You're a true American.
Hear *that,* Mr. President.
Hear *that,* America.
Thank you, Randi, for your exceptional letter to the POTUS. I sincerely hope that he reads it and responds to you - and to all of us. It must be obvious to everyone by now that equality is the way of the future, and putting off the inevitable is pointless - and painful.
Wonderful letter. If only all gay people were blessed with parents like Mrs. Reitan. By the way, where's the usual gang of anti-gay haters who spend their time at this site? Oddly, silent. Now we know what it takes to silence them - a mother's love.
Very touching. You are a wonderful mother and person.
What a beautiful letter. I am always amazed by how strong your letters are. Many have commented about what a wonderful mother you must be. I can assure them all you are the most loving, caring and giving mother a son or daughter could have. I implore President Obama to employ the full powers of persuasion and influence his office carries to advance this issue. It is such a clear issue of injustice but also my mom could use the break. I hope he picks up the torch and becomes a leader in this fight. Thank you Mama for leading so many already.
Love
Josh
You are a very lucky young man to have her in your corner!
To Josh and your family: You, indeed, have been blessed and I have loved your mother and father since seeing them in the "For the bible tells me so" documentary, which I was encouraged to watch by my own parents. My father told me, with obvious tears in his throat, that the statement at the end of the movie (your father's statement) by the father of one of the boys in the movie was just exactly what he thinks of me... What did your dad say? I have almost memorized these most touching words (although I am sure I will get it a little wrong here): "There was a time when Jake first came out when I thought that if I could wave a majic wand over him and make him straight I might do so, but today, when I see the man he has become and the person he is, I wouldn't change a thing, and if I had that majic wand, I'd make him just the same way he is" THanks to your Mom for this letter AND your dad for those words that I carry with me daily.
Thank you so much for this beautiful letter. You are a shining example to parents and friends of the GLBT community. We all need to continue standing with and for our friends and loved ones to see this struggle to it's completion, which can only be full equality.
That was beautiful, but I must say "don't hold your breath." This president has thrown the gay community under the bus, like Clinton did when he was elected in '92. It was all part of his process to get votes.
There will always be "more important" issues to deal with, and we will never have the same basic rights that others take for granted. Sad, but true.
How much you wanna bet? In a generation, the Evangelicals will be trying to claim gay rights was their idea all along.
Interesting - if anyone looks back in history - when Inter-racial Marriage WAS the MAIN ISSUE - People wanted to call IT something different too......even today,some people do NOT except it...and even disown thier kids if they marry someone of another race...yes,its rare..but it STILL happens.......Everyone should have the opportunity to have the word MARRIAGE!
You're making up your own history. There's no record of people wanting to call inter-racial marriage something other than marriage. They just didn't want to allow it at all.
No - chk back in records....regarding the call for Inter-racial marriage.....they wanted to call them Inter-racial Unions
Rosenfeld, Michael J. "The Age of Independence: Interracial Unions, Same-Sex
Unions, and the Changing American Family. Boston": Harvard University Press,
2007.
Romulus:
Earlier, you inquired as to the degree of acceptability of this scenario: the state and federal governments legalizing “Same Sex Unions” and call it something like “Same Sex Legal Partnerships.”
Please explain the substantive difference(s) between one and the other, aside from mere nomenclature. If, in formal terms, they are legally identical under Federal law, I see little differentiating the two terms.
Also, are you suggesting that in your scenario, “Same Sex Unions,” “Same Sex Legal Partnerships” and “Marriage” are legally equivalent at the Federal level in everything but name? If not, please explain. If so, why complicate matters further? The old maxim “Simplicitas prima est. Simplicity is best.” works for me.
At a more fundamental level, I would be as willing to accept either term instead of “marriage” as much as a black person would be willing to accept so-called “separate but equal” water fountains for whites and blacks. In your scenario, I fail to see how “separate” is “equal.”
At the most basic level, I would ask, “What is your point?”
All that aside, actually, anti-gay laws and ballot initiatives may be *sold* as being about the 'definition of marriage,' as if that were a compelling state interest, ...in actual fact *do* seek to prevent LBGT people from having 'civil unions' and often, even, from even making legal contracts 'similar to marriage' even if they can pay the lawyers to cobble up something with even minimal and contestable protection.
You *bet* the anti-gay crowd want to stop any and all rights for LBGT people, that's just not what they *say* when they try and sell the injustice.
Remember Miscegenation?
As a mother, I understand the pain that is involved in wanting our children to be accepted. The porpose of the family unit, is to offer a safe-nonjudgemental base (beginning) for our children and loved ones so that they are prepared to go out into the world with their heads held high; understanding that the world is not the place to seek validation.
As a member of a minority population, (women, non-whites, etc.) I understand the rationaile behind equality, and am thankful for the protections ensured under the law. I also know that no amount of legislation will restore your son to a place of equality in society. There is no magic "Obama Effect". Honestly, you will never see the day when all of your children are on common ground, this goes back to the family unit and why it is important.
The President can no more cure you of your heart ache over your son's lot in life than I can have my father call my job and tell my co-workers to stop assuming that I know how to do the latest dances, because I can't dance to save my life.
I would not and could not ask our President to speak words that MAY compromise his belifs. "Marriage is a SACRED institution." By it being a SACRED institutuin, the answer lies not in legislation, but in faith.
While your comment may be heart-felt, your last paragraph is simply not applicable to the situation.
ONLY the ceremonies inside a church/temple/mosque/syangog are "sacred." But those ceremonies mean nothing to the government - which actually issues the legal document that makes you "married." And by law - faith can have nothing to do with it - the government cannot discriminate in how it applies that law: "equal protection" should not be only a phrase.
You and the POTUS do not have to "speak words that may compromise [your] beliefs." But the law MUST be applied equally. If not, that compromises our Constitution.
Marriage, just as the law, has its origins in the church. The BFDifference is that there is no clearly defined place where these two points diverdge. If there was such a place, then right to life v.s. choice would be a no brainer. These are issues that are still debated, and with good cause.
I cannot speak for the president, but what law says that there is a RIGHT to get married. The law will not even allow some of those who want to divorce the RIGHT.
I would like to state that I believe that the Gay and Lesbian communities should be given the right to marry, but that is my opinion, not the law.
Your letter is so sincere and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. Thank you for sending it to the President. Mr Obama seems like a genuine and honest man, so I have no doubt that he will get rid of these homophobic policies that hold so many back from living a life of equality. Millions of us, straight and gay, are waiting for the day he fulfills his promises to the gay community. It cannot come soon enough. Putting it off longer just doesn't make sense. What is more 'pressing' than equality for everyone? Thank you for writing.
What a beautiful letter.
Please send a copy to Congress as wel, both the House and the Senate as only Congress can pass legislation to repeal DADT and they can so quickly and completely.
What a beautiful letter! Thank you for sharing. Your pain, your pride, and your perseverance are very touching. Your family is lucky to have you! I am anxious for the day when equality for everyone is a reality. I've never understood how it could make anyone feel better to know that anyone else was denied something they took for granted.
Yes, we need to continue to hold President Obama accountable. Yes we can, and yes he can.
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