Alec Baldwin's A Promise to Ourselves Captures the Brutality of Divorce Wars
Alec Baldwin is one of the walking wounded, a casualty of the divorce/custody wars. Written out of his pain, looking from the inside looking out, viewing events through the prism of that pain with all of a victim's perceptions and acuity. Although sometimes -- perhaps often -- skewed, or inaccurate, his story told with intelligence, passion and understandably, anger, and acknowledgment of the mistakes he made, it is all the more instructive and revealing to anyone about to embark on a similar journey and gives a foretaste of the emotional rollercoaster they can expect. It is not a journey for the faint of heart.
His description of his wife's lawyer as being "avaricious, inhumane, a garden slug of a divorce lawyer...I loathed [the lawyer] -- he is none of the foregoing -- demonstrates the damage the process can do to an otherwise sensitive and reasonable person.
He exposes to daylight the underbelly of the American system of divorce and the cottage industries that the system has created -- forensic accountants, appraisers, custody evaluators, psychologist, psychiatrists, law guardians and mediators -- and, of course lawyers, all feeding off the carcass of people getting divorced.
Baldwin takes the reader on a whirlwind tour across the landscape of divorce and born of his heartache, makes interesting suggestions to improve the system, to anyone about to get on that bus.
There are many things wrong with the system. It is perhaps, the worst possible -- except for all others. He makes it clear that, at the very least, as far as custody is concerned, the system does not work. The law simply does not deal well -- nor was ever intended -- to deal with matters of the heart -- particularly the heart in conflict with itself.
One thing, according to the public's perception he may well have got right, '...most lawyers [are] are men and women who were not sufficiently smart enough to become doctors or engineers.'
This book is a must and quick read for anybody thinking of a divorce, but they better keep a bottle of Jack Daniels near by. They will need it."
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Excellent review of an excellent book. When I first picked up this book, I approached it with the mindset that I had nothing in common with Alec Baldwin, and that his legal experiences would prove largely irrelevant to mine since his divorce struggles are with a court on the other side of the country from mine. Frankly, I had previously chosen to dislike him for his many outspoken political views which are so opposite from my own. After reading the book, I now realize that rich or poor, famous or obscure, the divorce industry treats one party to a divorce as the "loser" even though it's most often supposed to be a "no-fault" action. Once the "loser" is identified (most often, but not always the father), the abuses heaped on that individual are endless. Every middle-class, non-custodial father is literally one false allegation or job loss away from jail, for no other reason than that the x wife became empowered by a corrupt industry which has subverted the law for years. It's not surprising that so many of those ex-wives has thrown their morals by the wayside and gone on the attack against the father of their children, the pressure from the system to do so is just so great, that only the strongest minded custodial parent could resist the temptation.
Excellent review by Mr. Felder! Bravo! Alec Baldwin touches on what has created this horrible system but does not go in depth. Research Title IV-D and you will see that taxpayers are paying for the removal of a fit parent from a child's life. In order for states to receive the lucrative Title IV-D federal incentives they MUST create a non-custodial parent and the higher the support order the more money the state makes.
You can learn more about Title IV-D here: http://daddy.typepad.com/daddyblog/2008/09/alec-baldwin--.html
Once again EXCELLENT review.
Silkie1,
Mediation doesn't work unless the parents come to the table with a willing spirit. The lawyers are hired by the parents to do what the parents want them to do. The parents have all the control. They can make their divorce adversarial or amicable. Its up to parents!
Neorad,
You got custody of the kids didn't you? So the system works! I imagine the family court dockets are full with cases to hear. Thats why things can take a long time. Not to mention the petty parents bringing petty cases back to the courts because they can't work out if daddy has to take lil Johnny to his baseball game on daddy's visitation day. Oh yes, this kind of crap goes on! I would LOVE to see Alec's and Kim's court records!
wintrywood, your defense of the system is very misplaced. Yes, neorads' husband finally got custody of his children, but the premise that the system works is flawed. As neorad said, this case did not turn around to her husbands favor until she began making the appearances on his behalf. His children had to languish in an abusive household for two years before the system, as you stated "worked". In a functional system, those two years would have been two weeks, tops. If the system were not broken, he would not have had to spend over $40,000 in lawyers, he would have had the liberty of spending it on his kids. If it weren't such a biased and corrupt industry, he would have not had to hide behind his new wife to protect his children from their abuser (mother).
None of this would ever happen if they changed the Law to make mediation mandatory in all 50 States. In other words, you have to go through property division and custody settlement BEFORE you can file for legal separation or dissolution of marriage, and only if substantive change of circumstances come up, should orders be modified.
I know it is hard to fathom, but people use their children to hurt and harm their former spouse, and they use them for financial instruments; i.e. setting up trusts to shelter assets, tax benefits, all manner of hideous situations arise. The abuse in the system is almost as bad as the abuse that drives people out of this hideous marriages.
Most Lawyers lack integrity. They suck. They like to game the system, and manipulate each other. You cannot imagine what these people will do to your life and family for a couple of bucks.
It is unfathomable for a decent person to grasp.
I don't blame the legal system, I blame human nature.
My stepfather, a successful attorney, once advised me that if I thought an attorney was expensive, try not having one. He also said that a divorce is fair when 2 people sign the same piece of paper.
Expensive divorces are caused when one has to hire an attorney to force what they consider a "fair" division of property. If two people can agree, then lawyers become unnessesary. There is software for every state that can help you file and finish a divorce on your own. An attorney is suggested only to review the final paperwork.
From my own experience, the expense of the divorce is directly related to the maturity of the parties involved. If one or both carries existing pain, grudges and anger into the legal process, they are gauranteed an expensive and emotionally draining experience. If there has been months or years of emotional escalation, a party can't see beyond their internal pain, compromise becomes impossible, the children lose and the lawyers win.
This does not have to be so. Reletively smooth divorces are resolved because both parties worked to find compromise and understand the interests of everyone. In an emotionally charged situtation, even mediators fail, and it then falls on the judge to sort through the evidence, and make a ruling.
It's both. Lawyers have a vested interest in perpetuating animosity between their clients. Every tick of the clock is another few hundred bucks in the till. Every phone call, piece of paper, paperclip, staple...etc. costs a small fortune. I've been through it.
The end of a marriage, even a horrible one, is an emotionally gut wrenching experience. The desire to use the system to punish the other person is strong, and often attorneys play upon that high degree of sensitivity to keep the ball rolling. They don't care about you. If it's not a big money case, yours is placed at the bottom of a very large pile. Your decomosing marriage is merely carrion to them...the more meat, the more attention it gets and the longer it will go on.
Children are often thrown under the bus if the parents are not responsibly diligent in keeping their personal dislike for one another in check. When children are made to feel as if they have to choose between the two people they love most in the world, it's emotionally damaging and totally selfish of the adults involved. If one parent is truly a danger to the children, then of course that person should be held accountable. However, children should never be used punitively as weapons of mass destruction.
(continued - Part III)
My ex could be a jerk at times - trust me. But he is a good example of you get what you give. He put his girls first, he worked hard and he took care of his responsibilities. He is now highly successful in his field, and I couldn't be more happy for him. I'm just a little wistful at times that we couldn't have done it together.
(continued - Part II)
I asked him to take the little money we had in savings to buy furniture for himself. Over the years, I never took him back to court for anything. As he got promotions/raises, he would voluntarily increase the child support a little. I worked full time on a modest salary, and I have always felt they are half mine - I am just as responsible for their support as he is. He had them every single weekend, because he lived 50 miles away and that was his only time to be with them. Our girls were pre-school age at the time, and now they are both in college. They love their dad, and have a good relationship with both of us. I never, ever wanted them to feel like I did, growing up. When I tucked them in at night, I would tell them, "your dad and I love you so much." When he remarried, although I wasn't crazy about her, I told them "you have one more person that loves you."
My parents have since died. I hadn't seen my father in years, and I would see my mother twice a year. They destroyed our relationship with all of their bickering and self-centeredness. When you put your own ego before the wellbeing of your children, you will pay dearly. When the attorneys get involved, you're screwed. Be an adult and handle it on your own or with a mediator.
(continued)
I agree with you completely. When I was 14, my parents divorced. They fought constantly and badmouthed each other to me continuously. If I went to visit my dad, I had to listen to my mother mouth off about him, and she would say "tell the SOB if he doesn't pay the child support, you're not going to visit him." (It's not a 15 year old's job to collect child support.) When I got to his house, he grilled me about, was she dating, what was she doing, do you think she would talk to me, etc. When I got home, I got the silent treatment from her for going to visit him. I felt like the battering ram between the two of them. I felt like neither of them gave a damn about me - their only interest was in hurting each other.
As an adult, not suprisingly, I ended up getting a divorce. However, the cycle ended there. My ex and I sat down and hashed out how we would handle things. His only interest was in our girls' lives remaining as normal and stable as possible. We agreed on me buying out his interest in the house and how much child support I would need to remain in the house. He even refused to take furniture because he didn't want to disrupt their lives. (continued)
The divorced, many times, feel a sense of indignity when their marital bliss does not last. And, they are indignant when the opposing counsel, the one who works for the the other side, does their job competent and at a level they are supposed. Why is this so?
Why must society pay for the dissolution and failure of a private marriage? Society has special courts called family courts, paid by taxpayer, who are being asked to fund for the disolution of people's failed marriages. (taxpayers must fund courts and structures, judges, clerks, bailiffs, etc).
It's a double standard and a hypocracy to have people complain about being divorced and then go out an marry again.
Mr. Baldwin is to be applauded for his perserverance in pursuing a meaningful relationship with his child. In a day and age when so many men would be delighted to shake off the financial and emotional responsibility, Mr. Baldwin has proved himself to be that rare and admirable man who's love and sense of responsibility for his daughter trancends everything else in his life. I cannot imagine the courage it has taken for him to doggedly persist in this, despite the nearly insurmountable obstacles and brickbats thrown at his head from all directions. He has my greatest admiration.
One piece of advice that I would give anyone going through or contemplating a divorce is to realize before you start that your lawyer DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.
You will think they do because that's all you have to hang onto, but they don't. You are paying them and they have to be nice. You're vulnerable and you need their soft, caring voices over the phone...and they will take your calls and talk for as long as you need to, and they will continue to do this forever because they have their timer and calculator right next to the phone ready to tally up that phone call.
If I had to do my divorce all over again, I would have gotten a mediator right from the get go.
Also...a word of advice to Alec Baldwin...when you put your kids in the middle and cause them any distress, what you are essentially doing is changing who they are as people. And not in a good way.
It's hard to not do this...especially when emotions are so raw, but you HAVE to put the children first.
Before you know it, your little girl will be 18 and ready to form her own judgements. She'll need to know that you didn't cause any of her distress, but she'll be able to figure it out on her own.
Just put HER first.
What does this mean? How do you know what FIRST is? Giving in? Fighting for custody?
One thing for sure, whatever you do, someone -- probably several ignorant someones -- will be saying you didn't do the right thing. Pretty soon you won't have a clue how to tell what the right thing is.
The American divorce and custody system is broken. Designed by lawyers for lawyers.
"One thing, according to the public's perception he may well have got right, '...most lawyers [are] are men and women who were not sufficiently smart enough to become doctors or engineers."
Not surprisingly, I take issue with that statement. But I will agree many family lawyers default into taking divorce cases after they realize they cannot sustain a practice with personal injury and criminal cases alone. There are many woefully underqualified divorce lawyers practicing.
All the brains and talent, and instead of learning to help people, lawyers choose to learn to hurt. The only lawyers who create anything are politicians in a legislature, and even their fruits are often questionable. Take issue? That statement is right on target.
Did anyone see Alex on 20/20 last night with Diane Sawyer? Eyes shifting and sweating profusely, he sometimes looked as though he was about to jump out of his chair and strangle poor Diane (who bravely forged ahead with her questions). At one point he said that he was very hairy and asked DS if she was attracted to hairy men. Does he know who she is married to?
Baldwin is completely correct about the skewed and biased system. The vermin who trade on the pain of divorce and child custody battle are the beyond the pale. A lawyer once told me there are only two kinds of people in Family Law true believers and scumbags and the true believers leave or become scumbags. It is all abut money to these hacks. The poor who cannot afford lawyers and need them suffer too because the men usually have to put up with the rulings and opinions of people who either don't care or themselves are biased. So the only people who benefit from PC laws and rues are those with money until they are drained and wave a white flag.
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